Telling an older child about conception using donor egg

[Anonymous]

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Families-First-Its-Kind-Donor-Conceived/dp/1583335269

Recommend this book.

Wendy Kramer of the donor sibling registry has a lot of resources online for these conversations in addition to this book. She also answers emails sometimes and helps counsel people on the conversations.

I have two donor conceived kids and a friend who found out he was donor conceived as an adult. Definitely just rip the bandaid off and once you’ve had some time to think and plan the conversation just do it! The longer you wait the harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

There’s no evidence miscarriages are more common but 1) pregnancy tests are better so people know about very early miscarriage they might have missed a generation ago and 2) there is a movement to talk about it more. I’m not sure what you mean by empowering a daughter about knowing what causes miscarriage, most are not preventable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

They aren’t getting more common, we just know about them because of the availability of pregnancy tests.

[Anonymous]

Good on you op! I have three donor egg conceived children. I’ve been telling them their story since they were born. They are now 21, 18 and 18 and the girl 18 year old is awaiting her ancestry and me results ( with my blessing , although I asked her to wait until she was 18 to do it)

I do not understand donor recipient families who do not tell the child.
I could put your Dd in touch with mine if you think she would want to know others …..

[Anonymous]

I second recommending checking out Donor Sibling Registry. There are a lot of resources there. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

I'm not the person who posted that she disagrees but I'll give you my take. This data is way way to public and too accessible to others. I'd like to caution my kids away from taking these tests. I think there are medically ordered DNA tests that are private but ancestry and 23 and me - not thanks!

You can make your 23andMe or Ancestry test results private. It doesn't need to be made public. Many other people do make theirs public because they are doing genealogy and want to find relatives who have also made theirs public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

I'm not the person who posted that she disagrees but I'll give you my take. This data is way way to public and too accessible to others. I'd like to caution my kids away from taking these tests. I think there are medically ordered DNA tests that are private but ancestry and 23 and me - not thanks!

You can make your 23andMe or Ancestry test results private. It doesn't need to be made public. Many other people do make theirs public because they are doing genealogy and want to find relatives who have also made theirs public.

Still subject to records subpoena.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

I'm not the person who posted that she disagrees but I'll give you my take. This data is way way to public and too accessible to others. I'd like to caution my kids away from taking these tests. I think there are medically ordered DNA tests that are private but ancestry and 23 and me - not thanks!

You can make your 23andMe or Ancestry test results private. It doesn't need to be made public. Many other people do make theirs public because they are doing genealogy and want to find relatives who have also made theirs public.

Still subject to records subpoena.

Are other healthcare records not?

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. You have restored by faith in DCUM. I appreciate all of the kindness and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

I'm not the person who posted that she disagrees but I'll give you my take. This data is way way to public and too accessible to others. I'd like to caution my kids away from taking these tests. I think there are medically ordered DNA tests that are private but ancestry and 23 and me - not thanks!

You can make your 23andMe or Ancestry test results private. It doesn't need to be made public. Many other people do make theirs public because they are doing genealogy and want to find relatives who have also made theirs public.

Still subject to records subpoena.

How would that affect someone who used donor eggs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

They are not genetically related. All it takes is one genetics class and some funky blood types to uncover this. Or, one 23andMe type test and BAM she finds out and is devastated.

I would have told her by age 7 or 8, 14 is a rough age. I agree with the therapist route.

No it’s best to tell around two or three

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

They are not genetically related. All it takes is one genetics class and some funky blood types to uncover this. Or, one 23andMe type test and BAM she finds out and is devastated.

I would have told her by age 7 or 8, 14 is a rough age. I agree with the therapist route.

No it’s best to tell around two or three

They cannot meaningfully understand it at that age. Disagree.

The time around her first period makes much more sense.

[Anonymous]

Join the Parents Via Egg Donor private FB page- lots of great support and resources
Their advice and support helped us along the entire journey. The founder actually wrote a book too, but I can't think of the name.

[Anonymous]

of the 4 women I know who used donor egg, only 1 plans to tell their kid.

I would never put my DNA out there on some commercial site. Y'all all crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

They are not genetically related. All it takes is one genetics class and some funky blood types to uncover this. Or, one 23andMe type test and BAM she finds out and is devastated.

I would have told her by age 7 or 8, 14 is a rough age. I agree with the therapist route.

No it’s best to tell around two or three

They cannot meaningfully understand it at that age. Disagree.

The time around her first period makes much more sense.

What? The concept is easy to understand for a young child. It's devastating for an older child or a teenager to find out you have been lied to your whole life.