Telling an older child about conception using donor egg

[Anonymous]

Please do not skewer me here. I know that we made a huge mistake in not socializing with our child from a young age. It's a heavy burden and I feel terrible.

We conceived our now 14 year old DD using a donor egg and we didn't tell her. I know that we owe her this information and I want to tell her now/soon. I'm worried about her age and development as it relates to the timing. Does anyone have experience with this issue or know where I might be able to get some help in structuring the conversation?

Again, please no judgement, I know we were wrong, I guess I was terribly insecure about it.

[Anonymous]

I would discuss this with a therapist. They can help you frame the conversation and role play questions so you can think about your answers ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

They are not genetically related. All it takes is one genetics class and some funky blood types to uncover this. Or, one 23andMe type test and BAM she finds out and is devastated.

I would have told her by age 7 or 8, 14 is a rough age. I agree with the therapist route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

[Anonymous]

First off - hugs to you!

I totally get it.
I have a 12 year old DC conceived with DE. We told him about his conception regularly until DC was 8 or so. At that point, the conversations sort of dropped off...not intentionally, but they just did.

At this point, I think DC doesn't remember any of the conversations so we are in the same boat.

My kids do know that they were conceived via IVF (I have another OE kid). We talk about that all the time.

I like the therapist approach. I think I'm going that route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

Agree completely. For so many reasons, she needs to know, and 14 is a good age for her to process this (don’t feel bad OP; your timing is fine).

These home DNA tests are pervasive; I disagree with them, but we are not putting that genie back in its bottle. So she needs to find out from you. You can simply explain she has always been your child and always will be; this changes nothing about the family or your love for her.

You might explain you still carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and that’s what matters. Might also explain her DNA is still half her father’s although he did not inseminate the egg in the “traditional way,” but instead in a special room in the clinic. Her dad is still her dad.

Hopefully she is mature and thoughtful enough to view this the right way; and to thank you for being honest with her about it all.

Why do you disagree with them?

I'm not the person who posted that she disagrees but I'll give you my take. This data is way way to public and too accessible to others. I'd like to caution my kids away from taking these tests. I think there are medically ordered DNA tests that are private but ancestry and 23 and me - not thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

? No one said miscarriages are getting more and more common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

Are miscarriages becoming more common?

I know many older women, including my grandmother, mom and MIL who talk about the emotional pain of multiple miscarriages.

[Anonymous]

No need to feel bad about this. Just explain why you felt uncomfortable sharing it sooner. No shame in that. Besides, not everyone agrees that it is best to share this kind of information to young kids.