Our teen only wants to hang out with the “bad” kid

[Anonymous]

Your kid is probably smoking weed and the friend is supplying it.

My son started hanging out with a kid like that last year. You cannot control the other kid but you can "control" yours.

We could not control the school but we did at home. Mine was grounded for a month. No phone, no social media, no outings. We searched his phone daily as well. He hated it, of course, but that was part of the consequences for hanging out with the wrong crowd. After a few weeks he got his privileges back but days after he was hanging out with the friend again. So he was grounded again.

I'm not going to lie, it took like 4 strict groundings for him to finally start stepping away from the friendship. That was half of the school year. We put the App. Life 360 on his phone and tracked his every move for a while until he gained our trust back.

He was forbidden to go to the kid's home, I learned his parents were divorce and no one was ever home. The last straw was when I noticed my son was at the friends' house, so I decided to drive there and knock on the door. My son came out smelling like weed. I told him and the kid that he was lucky I wasn't calling the police to the home. I threaten them I would if ever a next time. They were 16yr. old's at the time and that seem to work. At least for my kid who is no longer friends with the "bad" kid.
The kid got in more trouble at school after that and got in trouble during the summer.

My son continued playing sports and also got a job. We just kept him busy.

By the way, this is all Suburban VA. The kids are 6ft. tall and I'm a 5'4" mom, who loves and protects her boy!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Kids aren’t bad. Kids engage in bad behavior for a variety of reasons. Usually, not always, they are hurting somehow. Try to figure out if your son has other stresses that make him more susceptible to engaging in inappropriate behavior with this kid. Problems at home? Bullied or ostracized by other peers? Academic challenges? Anxiety or depression?

Yes, I hate using the term “bad” kid. He is just a kid and didn’t choose his family. Older siblings are a mess. I assume he’s not getting good guidance at home on behaviors. Not sure what is driving his behaviors.

As for my kid, he has been excited/nervous about this new school. Maybe he’s struggling to figure out how to fit in?

He's had a big life change and puberty is rough, too. Could he be anxious or depressed? I agree with others that you ought not to lay blame on the other kid. Double down on your kid. As far as how your kid talks: it's obnoxious, perhaps upsets you, but totally normal for this age. Some food for thought...

It could be anxiety with the new school.

My older son never went through a phase like this so maybe I need to adjust our expectations for “normal”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever invited this friend to your home? Spend time with him and decide for yourself what kind of person he is. Bear in mind he is a child.

He did come over a few times when they first met. I personally observed some disturbing behaviors. Maybe/hopefully he will outgrow them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your kid have a phone you can leverage? I would tell him he has to do the school activity he enjoys plus try the school sport if he wants access to a phone.

I could but prefer not to force activities/sports. Maybe in this case it’s worth pushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is probably smoking weed and the friend is supplying it.

My son started hanging out with a kid like that last year. You cannot control the other kid but you can "control" yours.

We could not control the school but we did at home. Mine was grounded for a month. No phone, no social media, no outings. We searched his phone daily as well. He hated it, of course, but that was part of the consequences for hanging out with the wrong crowd. After a few weeks he got his privileges back but days after he was hanging out with the friend again. So he was grounded again.

I'm not going to lie, it took like 4 strict groundings for him to finally start stepping away from the friendship. That was half of the school year. We put the App. Life 360 on his phone and tracked his every move for a while until he gained our trust back.

He was forbidden to go to the kid's home, I learned his parents were divorce and no one was ever home. The last straw was when I noticed my son was at the friends' house, so I decided to drive there and knock on the door. My son came out smelling like weed. I told him and the kid that he was lucky I wasn't calling the police to the home. I threaten them I would if ever a next time. They were 16yr. old's at the time and that seem to work. At least for my kid who is no longer friends with the "bad" kid.
The kid got in more trouble at school after that and got in trouble during the summer.

My son continued playing sports and also got a job. We just kept him busy.

By the way, this is all Suburban VA. The kids are 6ft. tall and I'm a 5'4" mom, who loves and protects her boy!.

Did you ground him if they were hanging out at school too?

My kid lost all privileges after the school incident and has slowly earned some back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

That all makes sense theoretically, but it’s hard to see him so easily influenced.

How do you teach not to be a follower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

That all makes sense theoretically, but it’s hard to see him so easily influenced.

How do you teach not to be a follower?

OP therapy now.
Get someone outside your family involved.
This is not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

That all makes sense theoretically, but it’s hard to see him so easily influenced.

How do you teach not to be a follower?

OP therapy now.
Get someone outside your family involved.
This is not going to end well.

Therapy for what exactly?

I was asking PP to explain what she meant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is probably smoking weed and the friend is supplying it.

My son started hanging out with a kid like that last year. You cannot control the other kid but you can "control" yours.

We could not control the school but we did at home. Mine was grounded for a month. No phone, no social media, no outings. We searched his phone daily as well. He hated it, of course, but that was part of the consequences for hanging out with the wrong crowd. After a few weeks he got his privileges back but days after he was hanging out with the friend again. So he was grounded again.

I'm not going to lie, it took like 4 strict groundings for him to finally start stepping away from the friendship. That was half of the school year. We put the App. Life 360 on his phone and tracked his every move for a while until he gained our trust back.

He was forbidden to go to the kid's home, I learned his parents were divorce and no one was ever home. The last straw was when I noticed my son was at the friends' house, so I decided to drive there and knock on the door. My son came out smelling like weed. I told him and the kid that he was lucky I wasn't calling the police to the home. I threaten them I would if ever a next time. They were 16yr. old's at the time and that seem to work. At least for my kid who is no longer friends with the "bad" kid.
The kid got in more trouble at school after that and got in trouble during the summer.

My son continued playing sports and also got a job. We just kept him busy.

By the way, this is all Suburban VA. The kids are almost 6ft. tall and I'm a 5'4" mom, who loves and protects her boy!.

Did you ground him if they were hanging out at school too?

My kid lost all privileges after the school incident and has slowly earned some back.

Yes, he was instructed to stay completely away from the kid.

It was a rough time for all of us but we're in much better place now. You just have to stay consistent and follow through.

[Anonymous]

13 is young. Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

That all makes sense theoretically, but it’s hard to see him so easily influenced.

How do you teach not to be a follower?

OP therapy now.
Get someone outside your family involved.
This is not going to end well.

Therapy for what exactly?

I was asking PP to explain what she meant?

Clearly, OP's kid has a fixation on this other kid they can not even go a day without automatically going back to behaviors mimicking the other boy per OP. Hence therapy to find out why. Because OP is either not telling the truth here or has her head in the sand. As I said this will not end well.

OP's kid is more likely the hidden leader or such a follower that things will just get worse. So yes, OP's kid needs help from a professional immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our young teen has some good neighborhood friends and a few others from sports, but has basically stopped hanging out with most of them this school year because he wants to hang out with a “bad” kid he knows from school. Bad/inappropriate language, disrespectful to adults, bad attitude about school/activities, older siblings who vape, etc. After they hang out, our kid speaks differently and has a bad attitude. Doesn’t care about school or activities anymore. He sounds just like the “bad” kid. It will go away if they don’t hang out but as soon as they see each other my kid transforms into a copy of this kid.

They got into big trouble at school (my kid was just an observer but still was involved) last month so we said they can’t hang out anymore. We can control that out of school but they still sit together at lunch and hang out in the halls. Today he came home talking just like this kid again.

This kid has dissuaded my kid from doing a school activity he used to love. He also was going to try a new school sport this season but now he won’t because this kid isn’t doing it.

Our kid is drawn to him like a moth to flame. How can we pull him away? What can we do aside from switching schools?

I'm sorry, OP. I've been through this, and it's not fun. Ignore the posters who are saying your kid is the bad kid. He's not. He may be vaping or using alcohol, though, so you need to suss that out.

The school will DO NOTHING to separate your son from the others. In our case, we were simultaneously pursing special ed, and the school used the trouble DS was in as an excuse to deny him services. He was eventually given services in HS, but it took years because - I, of course, can't prove this, but I believe it to be true - the admin, etc. at his school believed things that they heard about him. After 2 years of HS, during which time DS got into NO TROUBLE, they eventually gave him an IEP for his ADHD.

If you can change schools, do it. Also, get your son into therapy as soon as you can. And be prepared for a bad reputation to follow him through HS. People still sometimes ask me where my son goes to HS, even though he goes to the same HS as their kids. I think it's because the bad friend eventually was expelled, and they assume (or heard through the social media-driven, drama-filled and wildly inaccurate HS grapevine) that DS also was expelled.

On the bright side, all of these efforts got my DS away from the bad kid - who's still around preying on others. I was in the HS office one day recently and overhead a kid talking to another kid on his phone. The other kid was at the bad kid's house, and they were arranging a meet-up.

Good luck, OP. It will not get better overnight, but it will eventually get better if you don't give up on your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

This. Either teach him not to be a follower or to choose who he is following more closely. He is the one making the bad decisions. Help him with that; it's a lot more valuable to him than just removing influences you think are bad. You aren't going to be there in college or at work, right?

That all makes sense theoretically, but it’s hard to see him so easily influenced.

How do you teach not to be a follower?

OP therapy now.
Get someone outside your family involved.
This is not going to end well.

Therapy for what exactly?

I was asking PP to explain what she meant?

NP. You need therapy/outside help because you do not have the tools to handle this on your own. Your child is old enough to talk about how he should hang out with people who make him a better person. This friend is not doing that. Talk to him to understand why this loser has so much power over him.

You may need outside help to understand HOW to have that conversation.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a bad idea to cut off contact with the kid. When you try to pick their friends, it builds a wall between you and your child and your child will just stop talking to you.

When my slightly younger kid was hanging out with another kid, copying bad language and behavior, I had a chat with him. I talked about the behavior and what was polite, nice and acceptable. I told him that I wasn't going to stop him from seeing his friend, but that I was not going to allow him to behave disrespectfully and mean. If he could continue his friendship with the other boy and not mimic the bad behavior, the bad language, etc, I was fine. But he needed to be a nice person whether or not he was friends with this kid. My son tried to clean up his own behavior and language and for a while had a good influence on the other kid, but the other kid eventually reverted to form and my son finally decided it wasn't worth the effort and slowly drifted away from this kid. They are still on talking terms at school, but don't hang out much otherwise and my son has moved on to other kids who have better behavior and language.

My son continues to have a good rapport with me and he told me about things as the friendship continued, then lapsed and as he moved on. So, we kept open communication. It may not work for everyone, but it worked for us.