Our teen only wants to hang out with the “bad” kid

[Anonymous]

Our young teen has some good neighborhood friends and a few others from sports, but has basically stopped hanging out with most of them this school year because he wants to hang out with a “bad” kid he knows from school. Bad/inappropriate language, disrespectful to adults, bad attitude about school/activities, older siblings who vape, etc. After they hang out, our kid speaks differently and has a bad attitude. Doesn’t care about school or activities anymore. He sounds just like the “bad” kid. It will go away if they don’t hang out but as soon as they see each other my kid transforms into a copy of this kid.

They got into big trouble at school (my kid was just an observer but still was involved) last month so we said they can’t hang out anymore. We can control that out of school but they still sit together at lunch and hang out in the halls. Today he came home talking just like this kid again.

This kid has dissuaded my kid from doing a school activity he used to love. He also was going to try a new school sport this season but now he won’t because this kid isn’t doing it.

Our kid is drawn to him like a moth to flame. How can we pull him away? What can we do aside from switching schools?

[Anonymous]

Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

[Anonymous]

What age and grade?

[Anonymous]

Birds of a feather flock together, OP. Look at your own kid first.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is limit their orbit. Keep your son out of this friend’s classes by keeping him academically advanced tracked, in the accelerated programs and then later the AP classes. Insist your son be involved in extracurriculars of his choice, a sport each season at least. And be frank with him that that boy is making bad choices and by simple association it will ultimately trickle down to him, even if he doesn’t “participate” in the negative activities the other boy is doing.

[Anonymous]

My dad says the fate of his 6 kids was mostly all in "who they meet". I'd be very concerned. Move maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our young teen has some good neighborhood friends and a few others from sports, but has basically stopped hanging out with most of them this school year because he wants to hang out with a “bad” kid he knows from school. Bad/inappropriate language, disrespectful to adults, bad attitude about school/activities, older siblings who vape, etc. After they hang out, our kid speaks differently and has a bad attitude. Doesn’t care about school or activities anymore. He sounds just like the “bad” kid. It will go away if they don’t hang out but as soon as they see each other my kid transforms into a copy of this kid.

They got into big trouble at school (my kid was just an observer but still was involved) last month so we said they can’t hang out anymore. We can control that out of school but they still sit together at lunch and hang out in the halls. Today he came home talking just like this kid again.

This kid has dissuaded my kid from doing a school activity he used to love. He also was going to try a new school sport this season but now he won’t because this kid isn’t doing it.

Our kid is drawn to him like a moth to flame. How can we pull him away? What can we do aside from switching schools?

Don’t do this. If your kid was involved he was not just an observer. On one hand your talking about all the influence this kid has over yours but when their is trouble your kid is just an observer. Listen, in middle school my kid was involved in some bad behavior and had gotten in trouble doing dumb crap, I’m not blaming you or judging your kid. But you have to be honest with yourself about what’s happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, friends matter. But you need to address your concerns as choices your own kid is making, not the "bad influence" kid.

I certainly can - and do - for specific behavioral stuff.

But I can’t force him to have a better attitude about school or hang out with different friends or do the sports/activities he doesn’t want to do anymore just because this kid isn’t doing them. His whole demeanor changes after spending time with this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What age and grade?

13, 7th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

[Anonymous]

How old? My son did this freshman year and his grades suffered. I just kept talking to him about his choices. Not vilifying friends.

One friend, a star football player at a different high school, OD’d on ketamine laced weed. That was a wake up call.

My son got his act together and is doing great this year. Unfortunately he doesn’t really have friends. That part sucks. But it doesn’t seem to bother him. He is intent on succeeding at his own goals. It’s a process. Keep the long game in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

The “bad” kids always takes the brunt of the blame And the punishment. It’s highly likely that because your kid is not labeled the “bad” kid he got away with it this time, but after repeated incidents of being an “observer” he will eventually be labeled the “bad” kid. I would treat this situation just as serious if your kid was suspended too.

[Anonymous]

That's a bad age/grade for this to happen. Kids that age can get a little obsessive about pursuing what they like without regard to consequences like an older teen might. I wouldn't remove a new school (maybe private for a few years) off the table. This is a critical time.