Our teen only wants to hang out with the “bad” kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our young teen has some good neighborhood friends and a few others from sports, but has basically stopped hanging out with most of them this school year because he wants to hang out with a “bad” kid he knows from school. Bad/inappropriate language, disrespectful to adults, bad attitude about school/activities, older siblings who vape, etc. After they hang out, our kid speaks differently and has a bad attitude. Doesn’t care about school or activities anymore. He sounds just like the “bad” kid. It will go away if they don’t hang out but as soon as they see each other my kid transforms into a copy of this kid.

They got into big trouble at school (my kid was just an observer but still was involved) last month so we said they can’t hang out anymore. We can control that out of school but they still sit together at lunch and hang out in the halls. Today he came home talking just like this kid again.

This kid has dissuaded my kid from doing a school activity he used to love. He also was going to try a new school sport this season but now he won’t because this kid isn’t doing it.

Our kid is drawn to him like a moth to flame. How can we pull him away? What can we do aside from switching schools?

Don’t do this. If your kid was involved he was not just an observer. On one hand your talking about all the influence this kid has over yours but when their is trouble your kid is just an observer. Listen, in middle school my kid was involved in some bad behavior and had gotten in trouble doing dumb crap, I’m not blaming you or judging your kid. But you have to be honest with yourself about what’s happened.

The principal said he was an observer who should have either walked away or contacted a teacher. My concern is that next time my kid might actually DO something to impress this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Kids aren’t bad. Kids engage in bad behavior for a variety of reasons. Usually, not always, they are hurting somehow. Try to figure out if your son has other stresses that make him more susceptible to engaging in inappropriate behavior with this kid. Problems at home? Bullied or ostracized by other peers? Academic challenges? Anxiety or depression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Yes, I know my kid gets a bad attitude and behaves poorly. That is the problem.

The kid didn’t force him to do anything; my kid is responsible for his own actions. But he only does it when around this kid though. I’m trying to figure out how to remove the influence of this kid before this attitude/behavior sticks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Kids aren’t bad. Kids engage in bad behavior for a variety of reasons. Usually, not always, they are hurting somehow. Try to figure out if your son has other stresses that make him more susceptible to engaging in inappropriate behavior with this kid. Problems at home? Bullied or ostracized by other peers? Academic challenges? Anxiety or depression?

Disagree. There are bad kids. Stop making excuses for them.
Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? My son did this freshman year and his grades suffered. I just kept talking to him about his choices. Not vilifying friends.

One friend, a star football player at a different high school, OD’d on ketamine laced weed. That was a wake up call.

My son got his act together and is doing great this year. Unfortunately he doesn’t really have friends. That part sucks. But it doesn’t seem to bother him. He is intent on succeeding at his own goals. It’s a process. Keep the long game in mind.

Glad to hear your son stepped away. I’ve been trying to avoid mentioning this kid to him.

But it’s hard to say “have a better attitude towards school/activities”. For weeks he has said he’s going to try out for a sport. Practiced over break. Seems sincerely excited. Said the coach is one of his fav teachers. Comes home saying that the sport is lame and that he hung out with friend after school instead of going to try out. I don’t understand how this kid has so much influence over him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

The “bad” kids always takes the brunt of the blame And the punishment. It’s highly likely that because your kid is not labeled the “bad” kid he got away with it this time, but after repeated incidents of being an “observer” he will eventually be labeled the “bad” kid. I would treat this situation just as serious if your kid was suspended too.

He was legit an observer this time - there was an adult nearby who saw it all go down. And we did treat it very seriously. We are really hoping he walks way if there is a next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a bad age/grade for this to happen. Kids that age can get a little obsessive about pursuing what they like without regard to consequences like an older teen might. I wouldn't remove a new school (maybe private for a few years) off the table. This is a critical time.

It’s very unfortunate timing because this is his first year at this new school and the program is a great fit for him. I am very concerned though since it’s such a formative time. Ugh. Might have to look at other options.

[Anonymous]

Op, how much time has your son spent attending church? At this point, he needs a change of the heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? My son did this freshman year and his grades suffered. I just kept talking to him about his choices. Not vilifying friends.

One friend, a star football player at a different high school, OD’d on ketamine laced weed. That was a wake up call.

My son got his act together and is doing great this year. Unfortunately he doesn’t really have friends. That part sucks. But it doesn’t seem to bother him. He is intent on succeeding at his own goals. It’s a process. Keep the long game in mind.

Glad to hear your son stepped away. I’ve been trying to avoid mentioning this kid to him.

But it’s hard to say “have a better attitude towards school/activities”. For weeks he has said he’s going to try out for a sport. Practiced over break. Seems sincerely excited. Said the coach is one of his fav teachers. Comes home saying that the sport is lame and that he hung out with friend after school instead of going to try out. I don’t understand how this kid has so much influence over him.

Have you asked him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Kids aren’t bad. Kids engage in bad behavior for a variety of reasons. Usually, not always, they are hurting somehow. Try to figure out if your son has other stresses that make him more susceptible to engaging in inappropriate behavior with this kid. Problems at home? Bullied or ostracized by other peers? Academic challenges? Anxiety or depression?

Yes, I hate using the term “bad” kid. He is just a kid and didn’t choose his family. Older siblings are a mess. I assume he’s not getting good guidance at home on behaviors. Not sure what is driving his behaviors.

As for my kid, he has been excited/nervous about this new school. Maybe he’s struggling to figure out how to fit in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? My son did this freshman year and his grades suffered. I just kept talking to him about his choices. Not vilifying friends.

One friend, a star football player at a different high school, OD’d on ketamine laced weed. That was a wake up call.

My son got his act together and is doing great this year. Unfortunately he doesn’t really have friends. That part sucks. But it doesn’t seem to bother him. He is intent on succeeding at his own goals. It’s a process. Keep the long game in mind.

Glad to hear your son stepped away. I’ve been trying to avoid mentioning this kid to him.

But it’s hard to say “have a better attitude towards school/activities”. For weeks he has said he’s going to try out for a sport. Practiced over break. Seems sincerely excited. Said the coach is one of his fav teachers. Comes home saying that the sport is lame and that he hung out with friend after school instead of going to try out. I don’t understand how this kid has so much influence over him.

Have you asked him?

Not about this kid. I don’t think he’d have the self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad says the fate of his 6 kids was mostly all in "who they meet". I'd be very concerned. Move maybe?

So interesting!

[Anonymous]

Does your kid have a phone you can leverage? I would tell him he has to do the school activity he enjoys plus try the school sport if he wants access to a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you place a lot of blame on this other child. Let’s rephrase it for you, “my kid is a bad kid.” He got into big trouble at school for just observing? Yea, ok mom. Come to terms first and then get help.

Ok. My kid is a “bad” kid when he is around this kid.

And the principal said he was observing. The other kid got suspended, we got a meeting with the principal. The principal even told my kid to find new friends.

Oh OP you are missing it.

Your kid is not innocent.

Move them now. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse. You are saying your kid literally came home and started talking like the other kid in one day back?????? That right there is a sign your kid is in this to win it.

Your kid is not innocent and is as "bad" as the one you are blaming that is not fair own this or your kid will be the one that gets hurt in the long run this will not end well.

Kids aren’t bad. Kids engage in bad behavior for a variety of reasons. Usually, not always, they are hurting somehow. Try to figure out if your son has other stresses that make him more susceptible to engaging in inappropriate behavior with this kid. Problems at home? Bullied or ostracized by other peers? Academic challenges? Anxiety or depression?

Yes, I hate using the term “bad” kid. He is just a kid and didn’t choose his family. Older siblings are a mess. I assume he’s not getting good guidance at home on behaviors. Not sure what is driving his behaviors.

As for my kid, he has been excited/nervous about this new school. Maybe he’s struggling to figure out how to fit in?

He's had a big life change and puberty is rough, too. Could he be anxious or depressed? I agree with others that you ought not to lay blame on the other kid. Double down on your kid. As far as how your kid talks: it's obnoxious, perhaps upsets you, but totally normal for this age. Some food for thought...

[Anonymous]

Have you ever invited this friend to your home? Spend time with him and decide for yourself what kind of person he is. Bear in mind he is a child.