Husband throws temper tantrums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is abusive. It is not ok, it is intended to make the target feel invisible, like they don’t exist, don’t matter, are not worthy of love and attention. And for what infraction? What infraction could possibly justify this response?

As others have said, empathy often end up in relationships like this because we feel the emotions of others so deeply that we make excuses for them. Oh, he’s only acting this way because he’s hurt and doesn’t know any better. Try flipping the script. He is acting this way even though you have told him how it makes you feel and HE DOESNT CARE that it hurts you. He wants to hurt you.

You could also be doing something that’s called compulsive repetition in psychology…. It’s the concept of people subconsciously seeking out relationships similar to dysfunctional relationships they’ve had previously in life (childhood, romantically, etc) because they think if they can just “fix” whatever the issue is, like a loved one withholding affection from them, or not being emotionally reliable, then they will overcome that trauma.

OP here. This thread has been very very helpful for me. I AM an empath, and yes I make excuses. I so badly never want to hurt someone's feelings, or make them sad, or angry. I want them to be happy, and I've stayed this long because I want it to work out for all of us. I truly do. Which is why I tried and tried for so long, and never gave up. But if anything, it all got worse, which makes sense because he sees me as a threat and he has only gotten angrier over time.

Speaking of silent treatment....there was an entire 5 day vacation where he didn't speak to me at all. I will never forget it. I even remember the last dinner we had out as a family and how he sat himself at the other end of the table and silently ate his dinner while the other 5 of us were at the other end. I was dying inside, screaming and crying inside, but I plastered that smile on my face, trying to cover the freakiness of it all up for my kids' sakes, and remember how difficult it was and how painful inside it was. when I confronted him about it when we were back home, he said he wasn't angry about anything in particular, and I told him to get therapy, medication, or get out. But of course he didn't do anything, and neither did I. I'm ashamed of myself as I should have been stronger and made him leave.

The great thing is that I have wonderful kids that are all almost grown now. I believe they all understand the dynamics on some level. Although I had always hoped to "fix" these problems for all of our sakes, I know that they will be fine because of the way I've raised them, and now as they get older I know that I need to have peace in my life. I never had a family growing up, and this was my first and last chance. So I kept trying to make it right. Once I had healthy relationships, for the first time (with my older kids) I realized what unease I have been living with with my spouse. I know it's too late for me to find true love, but I can at least try to find peace in my life and I'm finally at the point where I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me miserable.

[Anonymous]

OP again....By far the HARDEST thing for me to do is hold my ground and maintain this point of view when he is being nice, funny, helpful, etc. It makes me stir crazy and very confused, and then I feel guilty. That is the part I need help with from a therapist.

That and I know my kids love him. As they got older, he was nicer to them, too. It was easier. He never participated in the hard stuff when they were little , but stepped in as a "dad" when it was just about the fun stuff that he likes.

I want to say I wish I had never married him, but it's hard to say when I have 4 beautiful children. It's messy and painful no matter how I look at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again....By far the HARDEST thing for me to do is hold my ground and maintain this point of view when he is being nice, funny, helpful, etc. It makes me stir crazy and very confused, and then I feel guilty. That is the part I need help with from a therapist.

That and I know my kids love him. As they got older, he was nicer to them, too. It was easier. He never participated in the hard stuff when they were little , but stepped in as a "dad" when it was just about the fun stuff that he likes.

I want to say I wish I had never married him, but it's hard to say when I have 4 beautiful children. It's messy and painful no matter how I look at it.

OP, I've posted twice on this thread. I relate to you so much. I'm seriously considering making a throwaway email just to stay in touch with you if that's something you thing would be helpful and supportive.

To your point above, its a dirty trick your mind plays. I too find myself thinking, "maybe if I do this.. or that... haven't tried that yet... maybe it would help" but I'm catching myself right away and that's progress.

I think a lot of well meaning friends and internet strangers also encourage this line of thought but they aren't dealing with what we are. My H sounds a bit more reactive and cruel than what you've told us here at least. But their personality disorder is the same. There's truly nothing you're doing or that you've ever done to cause or contribute to his dysfunction. Just as there is nothing you'll be able to do to appease him. Time to go.

I'm in awe of your strength! It's hard to be the mother I want to be when I am living in what feels like a war zone daily. It sounds like you've done that and you know that was all you. It's okay, you did what you felt was best for your kids. Don't think about why you stayed so long, just take one day at a time toward your new life. Take care of yourself and get ready to make some big changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful of anyone who makes you responsible for their emotions or actions.

You made me cry.

You made me yell.

You made me angry.

You made me throw this.

You made me leave or give you the silent treatment.

You made me feel the way I do.

You made me act the way I do.

Anyway who externalizes responsiblity for their own emotional responses and reactions and subsequent actions is unable to be a healthy partner as they see their emotional state and actions as intrinsically tied to their partner, were they are just a passive reactor without agency or personal control or responsibility.

Totally agree.

It’s very immature and juvenile. If they’re doing it beyond age 8 then they really are developmentally like a 2 yo. Steer clear away. It never ends, but works with one off work projects or customer service debacles, but not with an actual repeat relationship. The pattern becomes too evident and damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again....By far the HARDEST thing for me to do is hold my ground and maintain this point of view when he is being nice, funny, helpful, etc. It makes me stir crazy and very confused, and then I feel guilty. That is the part I need help with from a therapist.

That and I know my kids love him. As they got older, he was nicer to them, too. It was easier. He never participated in the hard stuff when they were little , but stepped in as a "dad" when it was just about the fun stuff that he likes.

I want to say I wish I had never married him, but it's hard to say when I have 4 beautiful children. It's messy and painful no matter how I look at it.

You’re tough and protected the children well.
Pls plan your exit, save money, make new friends and get ready for a really fun and PEACeFUL life in your 50s, 60s and 70s without him. He doesn’t deserve you. Hate how he treats children like props and accessories, only swinging in when convenient for him to goof around a few minutes with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some on these posts are profoundly sad. Do these spouses verbally attack their bosses or anyone in a position of authority (think pulled over for speeding)? If they can control their emotions with others, it means they are CHOOSING to lash out at you. Nobody deserves this. To the poster (OP?) who said, “There isn’t anything I can do”, you are wrong. Do something proactive: Ask for marriage counseling or go see an attorney to prepare yourself. You deserve a peaceful life. And, please don’t respond with how it will impact your children’s lives. They are being impacted now with his outbursts.

NP. They don't. They come home and put it on you. And if you don't hate their boss as much as they do/they want you to they attack you as well.

All I have to say is that I wish I had understood what I was signing up for when I married and I wish I had not married my husband. If you are in a place where you can leave I highly, highly recommend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some on these posts are profoundly sad. Do these spouses verbally attack their bosses or anyone in a position of authority (think pulled over for speeding)? If they can control their emotions with others, it means they are CHOOSING to lash out at you. Nobody deserves this. To the poster (OP?) who said, “There isn’t anything I can do”, you are wrong. Do something proactive: Ask for marriage counseling or go see an attorney to prepare yourself. You deserve a peaceful life. And, please don’t respond with how it will impact your children’s lives. They are being impacted now with his outbursts.

NP. They don't. They come home and put it on you. And if you don't hate their boss as much as they do/they want you to they attack you as well.

All I have to say is that I wish I had understood what I was signing up for when I married and I wish I had not married my husband. If you are in a place where you can leave I highly, highly recommend it.

True. Unmask at home and temper tantrum at anything and everything if spoken to.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar marriage too. Twenty years, four kids. I left.
Took months of therapy and reading to realize that what he is doing is classic emotional abuse and narcissism. (He cheated because I cheated, even though I didn't. He calls me cruel things and attacks my character in front of the kids because I provoked it. He is only trying to do right while I keep defying him. Etc.) It will probably take me even longer to fully shed the guilt and knee jerk response of contorting myself and shutting down my feelings to try to make him behave like a decent father and person. It is crazy making.

On the upside, they seem to follow a playbook. The more you learn and build your strategies to fight it, and the more you realize you are NOT the crazy one or wrong one or whatever he twists into your belief system.... The more you can see things more objectively and give yourself strength to keep going.

If my daughter was in my situation I'd tell her to leave yesterday. This thought is what gives me clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is abusive. It is not ok, it is intended to make the target feel invisible, like they don’t exist, don’t matter, are not worthy of love and attention. And for what infraction? What infraction could possibly justify this response?

As others have said, empathy often end up in relationships like this because we feel the emotions of others so deeply that we make excuses for them. Oh, he’s only acting this way because he’s hurt and doesn’t know any better. Try flipping the script. He is acting this way even though you have told him how it makes you feel and HE DOESNT CARE that it hurts you. He wants to hurt you.

You could also be doing something that’s called compulsive repetition in psychology…. It’s the concept of people subconsciously seeking out relationships similar to dysfunctional relationships they’ve had previously in life (childhood, romantically, etc) because they think if they can just “fix” whatever the issue is, like a loved one withholding affection from them, or not being emotionally reliable, then they will overcome that trauma.

OP here. This thread has been very very helpful for me. I AM an empath, and yes I make excuses. I so badly never want to hurt someone's feelings, or make them sad, or angry. I want them to be happy, and I've stayed this long because I want it to work out for all of us. I truly do. Which is why I tried and tried for so long, and never gave up. But if anything, it all got worse, which makes sense because he sees me as a threat and he has only gotten angrier over time.

Speaking of silent treatment....there was an entire 5 day vacation where he didn't speak to me at all. I will never forget it. I even remember the last dinner we had out as a family and how he sat himself at the other end of the table and silently ate his dinner while the other 5 of us were at the other end. I was dying inside, screaming and crying inside, but I plastered that smile on my face, trying to cover the freakiness of it all up for my kids' sakes, and remember how difficult it was and how painful inside it was. when I confronted him about it when we were back home, he said he wasn't angry about anything in particular, and I told him to get therapy, medication, or get out. But of course he didn't do anything, and neither did I. I'm ashamed of myself as I should have been stronger and made him leave.

The great thing is that I have wonderful kids that are all almost grown now. I believe they all understand the dynamics on some level. Although I had always hoped to "fix" these problems for all of our sakes, I know that they will be fine because of the way I've raised them, and now as they get older I know that I need to have peace in my life. I never had a family growing up, and this was my first and last chance. So I kept trying to make it right. Once I had healthy relationships, for the first time (with my older kids) I realized what unease I have been living with with my spouse. I know it's too late for me to find true love, but I can at least try to find peace in my life and I'm finally at the point where I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me miserable.

OP, I could have written your entire thread. I too have been married to a man (for 20 years) that externalizes everything-- I caused his anger, I cause him to yell, I started it, etc, and my kids are now teens. I know they know it's not normal. Like you, my family of origin was completely messed up: I wanted so badly to recreate something for myself. Do not be ashamed. You are doing what you can, and one day, you will leave him. Know that it's not about being 'strong' and it is VERY complicated (for those posters who say, 'why doesn't she just leave?'). I hear you and I see you.

[Anonymous]

OP: Have you tried giving your DH a pacifier ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

Just look at all the “my boy can do no wrong” parents. Interestingly, it’s most often mothers. This is exactly what lays the groundwork for abusive men. They grow up spoiled rotten getting over on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

Just look at all the “my boy can do no wrong” parents. Interestingly, it’s most often mothers. This is exactly what lays the groundwork for abusive men. They grow up spoiled rotten getting over on everyone.

Seen this.

book smart High income sonny boy can do no wrong. Nothing is his fault. Isn’t it clever how he bullies everyone to do what he says or believe his lies. Nothing can stop him.

They basically raised a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is abusive. It is not ok, it is intended to make the target feel invisible, like they don’t exist, don’t matter, are not worthy of love and attention. And for what infraction? What infraction could possibly justify this response?

As others have said, empathy often end up in relationships like this because we feel the emotions of others so deeply that we make excuses for them. Oh, he’s only acting this way because he’s hurt and doesn’t know any better. Try flipping the script. He is acting this way even though you have told him how it makes you feel and HE DOESNT CARE that it hurts you. He wants to hurt you.

You could also be doing something that’s called compulsive repetition in psychology…. It’s the concept of people subconsciously seeking out relationships similar to dysfunctional relationships they’ve had previously in life (childhood, romantically, etc) because they think if they can just “fix” whatever the issue is, like a loved one withholding affection from them, or not being emotionally reliable, then they will overcome that trauma.

OP here. This thread has been very very helpful for me. I AM an empath, and yes I make excuses. I so badly never want to hurt someone's feelings, or make them sad, or angry. I want them to be happy, and I've stayed this long because I want it to work out for all of us. I truly do. Which is why I tried and tried for so long, and never gave up. But if anything, it all got worse, which makes sense because he sees me as a threat and he has only gotten angrier over time.

Speaking of silent treatment....there was an entire 5 day vacation where he didn't speak to me at all. I will never forget it. I even remember the last dinner we had out as a family and how he sat himself at the other end of the table and silently ate his dinner while the other 5 of us were at the other end. I was dying inside, screaming and crying inside, but I plastered that smile on my face, trying to cover the freakiness of it all up for my kids' sakes, and remember how difficult it was and how painful inside it was. when I confronted him about it when we were back home, he said he wasn't angry about anything in particular, and I told him to get therapy, medication, or get out. But of course he didn't do anything, and neither did I. I'm ashamed of myself as I should have been stronger and made him leave.

The great thing is that I have wonderful kids that are all almost grown now. I believe they all understand the dynamics on some level. Although I had always hoped to "fix" these problems for all of our sakes, I know that they will be fine because of the way I've raised them, and now as they get older I know that I need to have peace in my life. I never had a family growing up, and this was my first and last chance. So I kept trying to make it right. Once I had healthy relationships, for the first time (with my older kids) I realized what unease I have been living with with my spouse. I know it's too late for me to find true love, but I can at least try to find peace in my life and I'm finally at the point where I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me miserable.

OP, I could have written your entire thread. I too have been married to a man (for 20 years) that externalizes everything-- I caused his anger, I cause him to yell, I started it, etc, and my kids are now teens. I know they know it's not normal. Like you, my family of origin was completely messed up: I wanted so badly to recreate something for myself. Do not be ashamed. You are doing what you can, and one day, you will leave him. Know that it's not about being 'strong' and it is VERY complicated (for those posters who say, 'why doesn't she just leave?'). I hear you and I see you.

Same here.

Why just this afternoon my deranged spouse, who refuses to clean up his messes except three times a year, shouted that it is my perfectionist tendencies that drive his anxiety and supposed depression.

Not his autism and bipolar II.

And I must be quite the perfectionist with high expectations to allow him to make a pigsty out of the now unusable basement rec rooms and bathrooms…

All I did was tell him to clean his messy bathroom and suitcase messes and basement crap on a WEEKLY basis. And he exploded. The kids can’t even go down there and definitely not with friends. Even our housekeeper refuses to touch his basement bathroom or know what to do with piles of mess.

[Anonymous]

Teach your own teen children to beware of slob boyfriends/girlfriends. Perhaps you don’t want to ever marry them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

They do it because they can. Because women stay with them and accept this behavior. The can behave this way and have families, sex, and usually cooking and housekeeping. It is really that simple.

Most of these guys spend more hours at work than at home with the family. Do they exhibit this behavior with their colleagues and bosses? Of course not.

Like the OP, I did not have positive role models for relationships growing up which made dating difficult. Fortunately I wised up late in the game to follow the PPs script and leave when men exhibited this behavior around me. I will counsel my children to do the same.