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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again....By far the HARDEST thing for me to do is hold my ground and maintain this point of view when he is being nice, funny, helpful, etc.   It makes me stir crazy and very confused, and then I feel guilty.  That is the part I need help with from a therapist.

That and I know my kids love him.   As they got older, he was nicer to them, too.  It was easier.  He never participated in the hard stuff when they were little , but stepped in as a "dad" when it was just about the fun stuff that he likes.

I want to say I wish I had never married him, but it's hard to say when I have 4 beautiful children.    It's messy and painful no matter how I look at it.  [/quote]

OP, I've posted twice on this thread. I relate to you so much. I'm seriously considering making a throwaway email just to stay in touch with you if that's something you thing would be helpful and supportive.

To your point above, its a dirty trick your mind plays. I too find myself thinking, "maybe if I do this.. or that... haven't tried that yet... maybe it would help" but I'm catching myself right away and that's progress.

I think a lot of well meaning friends and internet strangers also encourage this line of thought but they aren't dealing with what we are. My H sounds a bit more reactive and cruel than what you've told us here at least. But their personality disorder is the same. There's truly nothing you're doing or that you've ever done to cause or contribute to his dysfunction. Just as there is nothing you'll be able to do to appease him. Time to go.

I'm in awe of your strength! It's hard to be the mother I want to be when I am living in what feels like a war zone daily.  It sounds like you've done that and you know that was all you. It's okay, you did what you felt was best for your kids. Don't think about why you stayed so long, just take one day at a time toward your new life. Take care of yourself and get ready to make some big changes. [/quote]

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