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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The silent treatment is abusive. It is not ok, it is intended to make the target feel invisible, like they don’t exist, don’t matter, are not worthy of love and attention.  And for what infraction?  What infraction could possibly justify this response?

As others have said, empathy often end up in relationships like this because we feel the emotions of others so deeply that we make excuses for them.  Oh, he’s only acting this way because he’s hurt and doesn’t know any better. Try flipping the script. He is acting this way even though you have told him how it makes you feel and HE DOESNT CARE that it hurts you.  He wants to hurt you.

You could also be doing something that’s called compulsive repetition in psychology…. It’s the concept of people subconsciously seeking out relationships similar to dysfunctional relationships they’ve had previously in life (childhood, romantically, etc)  because they think if they can just “fix” whatever the issue is, like a loved one withholding affection from them, or not being emotionally reliable, then they will overcome that trauma.

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OP here.   This thread has been very very helpful for me.   I AM an empath, and yes I make excuses.  I so badly never want to hurt someone's feelings, or make them sad, or angry.  I want them to be happy, and I've stayed this long because I want it to work out for all of us.   I truly do.  Which is why I tried and tried for so long, and never gave up.   But if anything, it all got worse, which makes sense because he sees me as a threat and he has only gotten angrier over time.

Speaking of silent treatment....there was an entire 5 day vacation where he didn't speak to me at all.  I will never forget it.  I even remember the last dinner we had out as a family and how he sat himself at the other end of the table and silently ate his dinner while the other 5 of us were at the other end.  I was dying inside, screaming and crying inside, but I plastered that smile on my face,  trying to cover the freakiness of it all up for my kids' sakes, and remember how difficult it was and how painful inside it was.   when I confronted him about it when we were back home, he said he wasn't angry about anything in particular, and I told him to get therapy, medication, or get out.   But of course he didn't do anything, and neither did I.    I'm ashamed of myself as I should have been stronger and made him leave.

The great thing is that I have wonderful kids that are all almost grown now.  I believe they all understand the dynamics on some level.   Although I had always hoped to "fix" these problems for all of our sakes, I know that they will be fine because of the way I've raised them, and now as they get older I know that I need to have peace in my life.  I never had a family growing up, and this was my first and last chance.   So I kept trying to make it right.   Once I had healthy relationships, for the first time (with my older kids) I realized what unease I have been living with with my spouse.   I know it's too late for me to find true love, but I can at least try to find peace in my life and I'm finally at the point where I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me miserable.

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OP, I could have written your entire thread. I too have been married to a man (for 20 years) that externalizes everything-- I caused his anger, I cause him to yell, I started it, etc, and my kids are now teens. I know they know it's not normal. Like you, my family of origin was completely messed up: I wanted so badly to recreate something for myself. Do not be ashamed. You are doing what you can, and one day, you will leave him. Know that it's not about being 'strong' and it is VERY complicated (for those posters who say, 'why doesn't she just leave?'). I hear you and I see you.[/quote]

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