Developing good relations with adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

Well, you're the one who wants to see him. And why can't you come by yourself? Board the dog FFS. There doesn't need to be any shopping at all.

Think about this from his perspective. You say you want him to come home, but you probably also want him to study, get good grades, and maybe have a job. It's hard to spend a whole weekend traveling/visiting and also manage those other obligations. Should he just blow them off so that he can visit you more often?

[Anonymous]

The main thing is to accept that they are adults and will make their own choices. Even when those choices are not what you want or what you think are good.

Do NOT try to pressure them to visit you more than your share, if you're divorced, and do NOT pressure them to play happy family in a stepfamily. This, above all, is behind a lot of adult children distancing themselves. It was so great to get out of my mom's house and off her financial control so that I am free to DGAF about her new husband. It's excellent.

[Anonymous]

I would say be prepared for surprises. As they enter adulthood they will re-think their experience of growing up, and have a new perspective on it. Especially as they get to know other families and family dynamics. And as they marry and have children they may have a new perspective on your marriage. Many children will say, for example, that being a child of divorce is fine, but when they experience a better-functioning family or aspire to a lifelong marriage themselves, they may see things differently.

When children are out from under your control, they will feel more free to say things that you don't like. It's only normal and natural that they assert themselves in this way. Be mentally and emotionally prepared for this stage and try to take it in stride. Don't over-react. They may come back around as they mature.

[Anonymous]

Here's a hot tip:

Do not just sit around waiting for your adult child to get married, buy a house, and have children before you express interest or investment in their lives. First off, since people do these things later in life than they used to, you will miss out on a lot of your adult child's life this way. Second, your kids will notice and realize that you don't really care about them, only about the way that they can reflect you or provide you with bragging rights or grandchildren.

Also, if you have kids who take different paths in life, don't just focus your attention on the ones why take a path more similar to yours. This is so obvious to your kids, they will notice and it will impact your relationship to them.

Oh, and don't assume that having kids is the only thing that requires support for you. You see this a lot. Your kids can go through all kinds of things for which you love and support can be helpful. Don't just reach out to them or offer that support when they have kids. Again, this feels self-serving because it feels like it's not really about them but just about your "legacy" or wanting to be seen like a certain kind of grandparent.

A relationship with your adult child is like a relationship with any adult, in many ways. If you nurture it, respect them and express an interest in them, the relationship will flourish. If you neglect it, assume it will be there when you want it to be, are judgmental and a user, it will not flourish.

The mistake a lot of parents make is in taking these relationships for granted and assuming their kids will love and respect them because they are their kids, even if they give nothing. It doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

+1. The road works both ways. Do you think it doesn't cost him gas to visit you?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if it’s just our parents’ personalities, the fact that I’m an only child, or the fact that I was financially independent at a much earlier age - but my parents treat me like an adult and my husband’s parents don’t treat him like a child, but they don’t treat him like a peer either.

My parents treat me like a responsible adult with valid opinions. They also treat me like a friend who they genuinely enjoy spending time with and act the way you act when you want someone to be your good friend. They also realize they are in a different phase of life and didn’t expect to be the center of my world. When I was paying due at work and working 60-80 hrs in my 20s, they didn’t expect me to go on vacations they planned or visit on their schedule - they came to me and accepted the time I could give them without guilt tripping me. And in turn I made time for them because I sincerely wanted to. When I planned my wedding (which I paid for) they treated it like it was our day as a couple, not as their party to entertain their friends and family. When I became a parent they didn’t swoop in and monopolize the baby or act like they knew better. They supported ME, their baby, so I could be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

Well, you're the one who wants to see him. And why can't you come by yourself? Board the dog FFS. There doesn't need to be any shopping at all.

Think about this from his perspective. You say you want him to come home, but you probably also want him to study, get good grades, and maybe have a job. It's hard to spend a whole weekend traveling/visiting and also manage those other obligations. Should he just blow them off so that he can visit you more often?

Well I have a job and a working spouse and two other children in school who have travel sports. Are 4 people expected to change all their things to cater to 1 single adult who only has school to worry about? That's pretty short sighted and selfish, no? And we have paid to board the dog but that's not free or cheap FFS. It's called compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

+1. The road works both ways. Do you think it doesn't cost him gas to visit you?

Where do I get this free money tree all your college students have? I pay for his gas, so NO it doesn't cost him anything.

[Anonymous]

Be good grandparents but continue to parent your children, not theirs. I feel like I've lost my identity a bit after having kids and am now just a go-between for my parents and my kids. And when I was the sibling who didn't have kids yet, I really felt like I didn't count sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

Where do you get off saying I am expecting him to organize all the visits to us. I NEVER said that. Once in a while would be great. Another poster had a legitimate question about not being able to afford all visits on her side and I responded. This is the crap about this board that sucks. You all always assume whatever you want and then respond trying to shame the poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

Well, you're the one who wants to see him. And why can't you come by yourself? Board the dog FFS. There doesn't need to be any shopping at all.

Think about this from his perspective. You say you want him to come home, but you probably also want him to study, get good grades, and maybe have a job. It's hard to spend a whole weekend traveling/visiting and also manage those other obligations. Should he just blow them off so that he can visit you more often?

Well I have a job and a working spouse and two other children in school who have travel sports. Are 4 people expected to change all their things to cater to 1 single adult who only has school to worry about? That's pretty short sighted and selfish, no? And we have paid to board the dog but that's not free or cheap FFS. It's called compromise.

Maybe don't visit, then. It sounds like you feel entitled to his time and effort, and you feel disrespected like he owes it to you to do the traveling. But that's not a good approach with adult children. Sometimes less time together can be the best choice if a visit is too hard to arrange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

Where do you get off saying I am expecting him to organize all the visits to us. I NEVER said that. Once in a while would be great. Another poster had a legitimate question about not being able to afford all visits on her side and I responded. This is the crap about this board that sucks. You all always assume whatever you want and then respond trying to shame the poster.

You seem like a real sweetie pie and I can't imagine why anyone would decline to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

I’ll tell you what my mom did and all my siblings have a great relationship with her.

She maintained a busy satisfying life & never looked at her kids for comfort/company
She is adamant about MYOB
She opens her home and welcomes all boyfriends/girlfriends/ and friends over
She always understood when kids had other obligations and interests
She made holidays and family dinners special and important
She took adult kids on vacation until about mid 20s
She made her home nice so kids enjoyed returning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giving money isn't just a way to ruin their lives, it can also open up so many opportunities in their lives.

The trick is to give them enough money to do anything, but not everything.