Developing good relations with adult children

[Anonymous]

No. Unsolicited. Advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

And it's "sow"

Idiot

She rips what she sews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following! Ours are 21 and 23. Want tips too.

I read so many threads on DCUM where adult children complain about the behavior of their terrible parents. It's so sad to read these.

I can't imagine behaving the way these parents do, unless they are in decline do to health issues which affect their mental state and behavior.

But I wonder if these parents simply never grew up.

You have to let go of your adult children, difficult as that process is.

I can't imagine going to my adult DD's apartment, and criticizing her decorating choices or her clothing or food or anything else! But people post that their parents do just this, which is crazy.

I love my children and want to have good relationships with them as they get older (and I get older). I do not want to be that old witch who drags down their lives. I can't comprehend parents who try to tell their adult children how to raise their own children, or criticize their career choices, etc.

My children do come to me for help and advice, and I try always to be careful to give them advice that I would give anyone, and I try not to steer them in any direction. I offer information and allow them to make their own decisions, right or wrong.

For example, DD is dating a nice guy who IMHO is not husband material. I would never in a gazillion years say anything negative to her about this relationship! She has to see it for herself. If it were dangerous (it's not) that would be another story. It's not my place to tell her how to live her life.

Be respectful to your adult children.

Oh, and don't give them money!! We told our children from the get go that they are always welcome to live in our home, but that we will not support them after they graduate from college. If they can't make enough money to live on their own, they can live with us, but they will have to pay us nominal rent. This has not happened, thank God, but I think it's spurred them to become self-sufficient.

A friend's mom continued to support her well into her 30s, which I thought was terrible parenting. It kept my friend dependent on her mom, and she never really became independent. Her mom died and left her a lot of money, and now my friend is essentially a bored rich woman who doesn't really work because she sees no need to.

Giving kids money is the way to ruin them, so DO NOT DO IT!! Let your kids fail if need be, but do not support them financially!

Ignore the annoying PP who says it's too late if you didn't do a good job raising your kids!! Total BS!!

You can do a good job now, and your kids will respond. You can't change the past anyway, so just make the present as good as it can be. If you made mistakes, own them, but don't allow your kids to wallow in self pity past their teen years. They need to grow up. Help them do that by treating them with respect and kindness, but not trying to manipulate them, emotionally, financially.

If you want to have a great relationship with your adult children, you have to be an adult too.

Reminded me of this

[/youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJg1zRgkbno

[Anonymous]

DS and I have a good relationship with our two adult children. They are both mid twenties. We talk to them fairly frequently, but not every day (usually about once a week and sometimes more with one). We give advice when asked and help them work through problems occasionally, but mostly they are very independent. We have fun and spoil them a little when they visit us and we get our own place to stay nearby when we visit them so that we don't invade their space. We include their boyfriends/girlfriends no problem when they want to bring them along. We have always had pretty good relationships with our kids but we are truly friends with them now - we laugh a lot when we get together and we all know we can count on each other. That said boundaries help and we definitely set some -good listening is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following! Ours are 21 and 23. Want tips too.

I read so many threads on DCUM where adult children complain about the behavior of their terrible parents. It's so sad to read these.

I can't imagine behaving the way these parents do, unless they are in decline do to health issues which affect their mental state and behavior.

But I wonder if these parents simply never grew up.

Sometimes it’s very clear the adult children never grew up, as evidenced by the demand above that their parents continue to be “givers” even into the kids’ thirties (see pp). Some of DCUM’s posters like their relationships to have drama.

But yes. Don’t challenge your kids’ choices unless they’re actively dangerous. Don’t nag. Don’t expect anybody with small children to go the extra mile for you (but don’t be a doormat either, because it’s ok to ask them to strip their bed and wash up after the dinner you shopped for and cooked).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be a good listener and ask good questions, but try not to give advice unless asked. Let them find their own path.

This -- though I would define "good questions" as open-ended questions that are not asked repeatedly

[Anonymous]

Wondering if this is different for boys and girls. I have a great relationship with my mom and talk to her almost every day. DH has a decent relationship with his mom and talks to her a few times a month. I have an only DS (teen) that I currently have a great relationship with but worry that even with a 'good' relationship as he gets older it won't be as close as we are now, or would be with a daughter.

[Anonymous]

If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

And it's "sow"

Idiot

She rips what she sews.

LOL. So funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

Wow. Thanks PP for this huge pat on your back! That's so helpful to other parents! We all wish we had been like you -- perfect!!

It seems that pp hit a nerve.

[Anonymous]

I bet some of the parents who think they have good relationships with their kids also have kids who are on here posting how much they dislike their parents (or even more likely, their mother in law).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

And it's "sow"

Idiot

Boy, somebody’s bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

Wow. Thanks PP for this huge pat on your back! That's so helpful to other parents! We all wish we had been like you -- perfect!!

I am this poster. I never claimed to be perfect. Ask me how I came to acquire this knowledge and am now in a position to give this advice . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be naggy and criticize how they live their lives. Especially when theyre a full fledged adult and have a job and their own family

If you have grandkids, don’t tell your kid how to raise them. You can say your opinions if you need to but back off

If they tell you bad news, be supportive rather than seem anxious yourself so they have to manage both your anxiety and theirs

Accept that they’re an adult with their own life. It’s ok if they make mistakes. Let them go