Developing good relations with adult children

[Anonymous]

How not to annoy them?

[Anonymous]

Following! Ours are 21 and 23. Want tips too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following! Ours are 21 and 23. Want tips too.

Bump

[Anonymous]

Depending on the situation. It depends if the interaction involves, in any way, your money, your possessions. If your adult children are financially dependent on you, it's appropriate to state boundaries, preferences.

When adult children are not financially dependent on you, you need to view them as full adults. It's hard but t's better if you can manage to view them as equals. If you're considering whether or not to say something, a good approach: if you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to adult children.

[Anonymous]

Stay up to date re: things and idea and issues
Do not lecture
Try to accept of not like or respect their choices
Be a giver
Don’t be needy

Still worth it?

[Anonymous]

Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay up to date re: things and idea and issues
Do not lecture
Try to accept of not like or respect their choices
Be a giver
Don’t be needy

Still worth it?

+1

[Anonymous]

Still be the parent and show interest in their lives and don’t talk about yourself constantly

[Anonymous]

Be a good listener and ask good questions, but try not to give advice unless asked. Let them find their own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

This was so helpful. So glad you took the time to post this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

Wow. Thanks PP for this huge pat on your back! That's so helpful to other parents! We all wish we had been like you -- perfect!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

And it's "sow"

Idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following! Ours are 21 and 23. Want tips too.

I read so many threads on DCUM where adult children complain about the behavior of their terrible parents. It's so sad to read these.

I can't imagine behaving the way these parents do, unless they are in decline do to health issues which affect their mental state and behavior.

But I wonder if these parents simply never grew up.

You have to let go of your adult children, difficult as that process is.

I can't imagine going to my adult DD's apartment, and criticizing her decorating choices or her clothing or food or anything else! But people post that their parents do just this, which is crazy.

I love my children and want to have good relationships with them as they get older (and I get older). I do not want to be that old witch who drags down their lives. I can't comprehend parents who try to tell their adult children how to raise their own children, or criticize their career choices, etc.

My children do come to me for help and advice, and I try always to be careful to give them advice that I would give anyone, and I try not to steer them in any direction. I offer information and allow them to make their own decisions, right or wrong.

For example, DD is dating a nice guy who IMHO is not husband material. I would never in a gazillion years say anything negative to her about this relationship! She has to see it for herself. If it were dangerous (it's not) that would be another story. It's not my place to tell her how to live her life.

Be respectful to your adult children.

Oh, and don't give them money!! We told our children from the get go that they are always welcome to live in our home, but that we will not support them after they graduate from college. If they can't make enough money to live on their own, they can live with us, but they will have to pay us nominal rent. This has not happened, thank God, but I think it's spurred them to become self-sufficient.

A friend's mom continued to support her well into her 30s, which I thought was terrible parenting. It kept my friend dependent on her mom, and she never really became independent. Her mom died and left her a lot of money, and now my friend is essentially a bored rich woman who doesn't really work because she sees no need to.

Giving kids money is the way to ruin them, so DO NOT DO IT!! Let your kids fail if need be, but do not support them financially!

Ignore the annoying PP who says it's too late if you didn't do a good job raising your kids!! Total BS!!

You can do a good job now, and your kids will respond. You can't change the past anyway, so just make the present as good as it can be. If you made mistakes, own them, but don't allow your kids to wallow in self pity past their teen years. They need to grow up. Help them do that by treating them with respect and kindness, but not trying to manipulate them, emotionally, financially.

If you want to have a great relationship with your adult children, you have to be an adult too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

Well said pp! I'm a mom of 2 adult children in their 30s and it's important to develop the relationship as they're growing up. More responsiblities offers more freedom and choices for them as teens. Respect their different personalities and listen to them. I love that my 'kids' want to spend time with us.

[Anonymous]

Giving money isn't just a way to ruin their lives, it can also open up so many opportunities in their lives.