Lost my mom 9 weeks ago...is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find the support you need. I found I could feel close to my mom by taking part of my day to connect with the good memories, whether it was making her favorite cookies or going for a walk. It was a moment of relief from the overwhelming sense of loss.

thanks trying to do those things too. Cooked up a favorite dish of hers at Christmas and cried the whole way through. Certain songs bring me to my knees. I suppose this is all "normal" and part of the grief process.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad 8 weeks ago.
I will tell you this:
The world is not for people who are in grief. Qnd anyone who has not lost a parent has NO idea what the feeling truly is like, period.

I am shattered and cry at anything that remotely reminds me of him, anywhere.
I try to make myself strong by trying to say to myself “ we all have to leave one day. “
I dont know when this feeling will go away , I do cry less than when it was a week or 2 weeks right after.
But I dont know this grief will completely ever go away- there are family who wonders what is wrong a month has passed so I should be “over it”.
Which even made ke question myself until a friend who has lost her dqd too this year that , you let yourself grieve, it will lessen itself.

I try to keep busy, watching lot of tv evenings. Qnd just letting myself be. I do work full time job and went to see a movie yesterday, and to the cemetary today.
I will go with the flow.
I dont think we can just put away our loss of a parent we have know all of our life in “8/9/10 weeks”

[Anonymous]

Sorry about all the typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. This is not a long time. Would it help if you tried to think about it as you are now free to remember her as she was, and not the situation she was in in at the end of her life? There is also nothing wrong with feeling a little sense of relief now that the bad parts are over.

Thanks.I do my best to remember her when she was healthy and well but i cannot seem to stop thinking about those last weeks. Being very grateful that I was there but those last hours jus keep playing over and over in my head. i feel no relief actually. I thought I would, I thought i would be relieved to know she's not suffering. But I miss her too much to even allow that. Does that even make sense?

I feel exactly this way about my dad’s last days too.

[Anonymous]

Op Grieve if you need to, its hard to put up a facade when you are grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’’m sorry for your loss and how hard it’s been. Grief is different for many people. 9 weeks isn’t that long of a time, but at the same time, are you seeing any healing or noticing that over tome it’s getting a little steadier week by week? If not, you may be stuck temporarily. Maybe a grief counselor would help, and maybe they might recommend a little nudge with an antidepressant to help get your strength up for routines. There’s nothing wrong with feeling gutted by grief, and sometimes we all need help if we are stuck. Sending hugs.

well i thought i was getting better till about 2 weeks ago and don't know why but i cannot even talk about her, look at a picture or video of her without totally losing it. whereas a few weeks after she passed i was able to do those things. the grief on some days feels like a crushing wave i cannot escape. I supposed this will ebb and flow like this for a while. I am not totally closed to meds but have never been on them and hear about side effects, etc....so not sure if I want to even risk it.

OP, keep an open mind to meds. I lost my sister a week before I had my first child. The descent into postpartum depression was inevitable. It was the first time in my life that I went on an SSRI, but it honestly saved my life at a time when I was really sinking and getting to a point where I felt like I couldn't keep my head above water, was crying and feeling despair every day.

I'm glad you are looking into outside help. Try your primary care, they can help, can even start you on an SSRI sooner while you wait to find a therapist that aligns with your needs. If you are employed and have an Employee Assistance Program hotline, try that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not normal. You really need to go on meds. I’m very sorry.

This is total nonsense, OP. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find the support you need. I found I could feel close to my mom by taking part of my day to connect with the good memories, whether it was making her favorite cookies or going for a walk. It was a moment of relief from the overwhelming sense of loss.

thanks trying to do those things too. Cooked up a favorite dish of hers at Christmas and cried the whole way through. Certain songs bring me to my knees. I suppose this is all "normal" and part of the grief process.

It is. First holidays are always hard and with them coming so quickly after the loss when things are more acute, even more so. Try to extend to yourself the grace and understanding that you’d give your best friend if she were going through this.

[Anonymous]

I found this book really helped me. I've actually ordered a few copies over the years to give to either people grieving (after asking permission) or to people close to someone who is grieving.

It's OK that you're not OK, by Megan Devine
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1622039076/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Anonymous]

You're fine. This is within the range of normal. The reason you feel worse is because the shock of the death is wearing off. Now you're just trying to adjust to your life without having to think about caring for your mom but also without having your mom as your best friend. There's a big hole there, and you haven't figured out how to fill it yet. You feel worse because without the shock you have to get used to living without your mom. That's brand new for you. She's always been alive. You're doing okay.

[Anonymous]

You need meds stat
They take the edge off and then you can find a therapist

[Anonymous]

This is ALL normal. ‘Something really big happened to you.’ It takes a long time to adjust. Griefshare helped me. You could look into a program near you. But, rest assured, this is ALL very NATURAL. Things will remind you of your mom—a song, a person in a grocery store, etc. You may tear up when you look at old photos of her. She was your beautiful, special MoM! That’s tough. For some reason, it just seems like our Moms should always be there. I’m sure your Mom was one terrific lady. You have been through a lot in recent months and it will take months and even years to level out. Just keep opening up those photos and let the tears flow. And keep doing until, one day you will be able to open up the photos and less tears will flow and the happy memories will fill in. You have much to be thankful for even in your sorrow. Hugs to you, Op.

[Anonymous]

All normal.

Grief will NEVER go away. But your life will grow bigger, and you will evolve, and learn how to cope with that grief. Look up Tonkins model of grief:

"Tonkin's theory of grief suggests that over time, your grief will stay much the same, but your life will begin to grow around it. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment. Slowly, these moments may grow more frequent and the outer circle will grow a little bigger."

https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/

It is not the time to try to minimize your grief, it is the time sit with those uncomfortable feelings, process them, and grow bigger to encompass the grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All normal.

Grief will NEVER go away. But your life will grow bigger, and you will evolve, and learn how to cope with that grief. Look up Tonkins model of grief:

"Tonkin's theory of grief suggests that over time, your grief will stay much the same, but your life will begin to grow around it. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment. Slowly, these moments may grow more frequent and the outer circle will grow a little bigger."

https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/

It is not the time to try to minimize your grief, it is the time sit with those uncomfortable feelings, process them, and grow bigger to encompass the grief.

Not OP but wanted to say this article is very good and seems so true.
Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

When my sister died, it took about a year before I stopped viewing everything through the lens of “____ is dead and I have to do x!these people are doing x?”
Basically every experience was colored by her loss.
I had (have) complicated grief and needed mood stabiles for a period of time along with anti anxiety medicine. Her death was unexpected, and that played into it.
But I think you are still in the realm of normal. And complicated grief and the need for medication can fall in the realm of normal. Don’t be afraid to seek a therapist/support group.
It’s been over 6 years at this point and I still have moments of overwhelming grief.