Lost my mom 9 weeks ago...is this normal?
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Anonymous
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First I recognize that grief is different for everyone. My brother overall is doing quite well and pretty much back to "normal life" (he was also very close to my mom). She really was to me, my best friend, the first one I would call for anything. We do not live in the same state but saw each other pretty often. Her illness, Alzheimers was brutal and cruel in the way it slowly took her life away from her (and us).
I realize now the depression (which I think I have) started well before her actual passing. I was mourning her all along as I saw her slip away month by month, hour by hour. In the end, the last few weeks she was under hospice care and she slipped away fast too fast and it still feels surreal. I was there those last 3 weeks with her by her side every minute. I am so glad I was as I would never forgive myself if I wasn't. So fast forward 9 weeks later, I feel like I am almost doing worse than better. I felt like a few weeks ago I was doing pretty OK, still weepy most days but overall was able to finally get back to my job (though only going part time) but with Christmas somehow I feel like I really regressed. I have no desire to see anyone, socialize if I am not at work then I am home often in my robe and pjs. I feel most comfortable and safe being home. I just cry so often that I am starting to wonder if this is within the parameters of "normal". I cannot stop thinking about my mom. My husband wants me to go on meds as he thinks I need it.He is very caring and concerned as he sees the impact it has on my day to day life. I came home early today, feeling very very down, just been sobbing all day. Can barely bring myself to look at a picture of her without losing it. I do not open up to my ddad as much about how I am-suffering because he is too and I don't want him to worry about me. Like me, he has his good and bad days. I spoke twice to a therapist (who seemed good) but not a grief counselor. I then searched for one online but only found betterhelp which is a joke. After spending a lot of time filling out all this info and paying, they then tell me they do not have a grief counselor despite making it very clear that was the only thing I needed help with. I also tried a local support group but everyone seemed so much "ok" than me, and further along in the process, having lost their loved one longer than me. I just couldn't' relate and left there feeling worse than when I got there. Anyone have insight or suggestions? I don't want to every day like this, feeling so incredibly depressed and sad. Any ideas of getting help online? Please no snarky comments, i am feeling low enough as is. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It's immense, losing one's loving parent.
Everything you wrote sounds normal. The first thanksgiving, Christmas without my mom hit especially hard. In fact the entire first year was very hard. It's physical too. You might find yourself losing weight without meaning to. And the physical aspect of grieving makes your body tired. Take your time and tend to yourself. *sending a virtual hug* |
Anonymous
| I think it is very normal to regress during major holidays. Keep trying to find a grief consoler. I am sorry it is so hard. Maybe your husband could help ypu find one instead of pushing you to take meds (most therapists will suggest meds when needed ) |
Anonymous
This. Losing a parent is hard, losing one after a long illness like dementia is hard, there’s a lot to grieve, and then the holidays on top of it is a LOT. Ask your DH to search Psychology Today for a therapist (put in a zip code and narrow by issue, Grief). He can narrow the choices or even send a form email you compose. Most therapists are still offering teletherapy so you can cast a wider net if need be, they just need to be in your state. I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this right now. |
Anonymous
| I hope you find the support you need. I found I could feel close to my mom by taking part of my day to connect with the good memories, whether it was making her favorite cookies or going for a walk. It was a moment of relief from the overwhelming sense of loss. |
Anonymous
| Maybe there is a local support group for grief you could go to until you're able to find a grief counselor? |
Anonymous
| I found the firsts were hard and it got easier in the second year. It does take time. Taking to someone helps too. (((Hugs))) |
Anonymous
OP it takes time, and the holidays are particularly difficult. Give yourself time and space and rest to do what you have to do. Honor you mom and her memory and what she meant to you. Do some things that she would have enjoyed, when you are ready. You will think of her all the time, and that is okay. You will miss her. It means you had a good relationship, which by this board, most women do. not have. If you think it will help you, join a grief group. Make sure it is a small group, so you are not inundated with other people's "stories". Otherwise, at least talk to a grief counselor, who will help you sort through how you are feeling, and maybe help brain storm what you need, and how to remember her. Remember that your mom misses you, too. |
Anonymous
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You need to get a full medical check-up, OP. Some medical conditions also come with feelings of depression and helplessness. Hypothyroidism is very common as you approach middle age and can cause depression, fatigue and weight gain, for example. Ask for a thyroid panel. Point is: whenever you're not coping well with an emotional crisis, always remember to get a physical. Several things can happen at once, and sometimes physical illness is triggered by your emotional state. This is why very recent deaths put relatives at increased risk of heart attacks, for example. |
Anonymous
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My mother died 13 years ago today, I've been thinking about her a lot these past few weeks, although I literally think about her and miss her every single day.
I think what you describe is well within the realm of normal, don't be so hard on yourself. A grief counselor will help if you can find one that works, I wish you well on that. In the meantime I highly recommend Anderson Cooper's limited podcast about grief, it's called All There Is and it's 8 episodes. I found it to be very helpful even though I have not lost a loved one very recently. He is very honest and raw and his guests are also very good. Maybe give it a try. |
Anonymous
| Oh my OP, 9 weeks is not that long when you are handling the death of your mother. Give yourself grace and be patient, and continue your search for a grief counselor. You are normal, yes - but you are hurting. Hugs! |
Anonymous
| No, it’s not normal. You really need to go on meds. I’m very sorry. |
Anonymous
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Grief takes looong. The first 10 years after my mom died were very difficult, although it does get a little easier from year to year.
You don't get over the pain, you learn to live with it. If you like podcasts, I recommend "terrible, thanks for asking". It's about loss with some humor in it. Hugs and be kind to yourself. |
Anonymous
Ignore this unkind post. |
Anonymous
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OP, what you’re going through is hard — and very normal. In addition to your current grief, you might also be dealing with the grief and stress of caring for your Mom throughout her illness. For many people who are grieving, the holidays can be very difficult. We’re getting external messages about happy family celebrations — just as our own family has painfully become smaller. It’s just a painful process as you grow to adjust to living with this loss.
OP, did the hospice services offer any guidance re: grief support groups and other resources? Also, are you interested in local resources as well as online options? I ask because a relative received end of life care through Montgomery Hospice several years ago, and I found their resources to be very helpful. https://montgomeryhospice.org/services/grief-support/ Sending caring thoughts your way, OP. |