Reply to DH WFH is a huge turn off

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "DH WFH is a huge turn off"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]1) OP is not selfish just because she has "enjoyed" WFH for longer. She took a flexible WFH job so that she could be the primary parent. If you've never don't that, you may not understand that it's not the relaxing WFH experience some people discovered for the first time during Covid. It's doing drop-off/pick-up daily for decade because your spouse has to leave too early and gets home to late to do it. It's doing most of the meal planning for the week, meal prepping between meetings, doing laundry between tasks in the morning. It's doing all the doctors and dentists and vet visits, because you have the "flexible schedule." It's also losing out on career advancement and opportunities to develop relationships with colleagues because you are WFH, because you can never travel as the primary parent, and because you've made a clear choice to prioritize your kids.

OP has not spent the last 20 years getting up at 9am, wearing pajamas half the day, and then drinking until midnight because of the glories of WFH. She's been squeezing work in between caregiving responsibilities. This is not a fair trade.

2) However, I would not try to convince your DH to go back to the office because he obviously doesn't want to. I think he real problem is the late mornings, late nights/drinking, and general behavior of a kid home from college for his first holiday. I totally get why that's a turnoff. I would focus on these behavior and talk specifically about how the impact you directly. The late night drinking is almost definitely hurting intimacy for you guys -- people are critical of the lack of sex here but on the other hand, he's watching TV and drinking until midnight so when is sex supposed to happen? I would talk to him about having a more mature approach to evenings (maybe a glass of wine together on the couch with the TV off, or while watching something you both enjoy, and getting some physical contact) and earlier bedtimes so that there is more time for both physical and emotional intimacy (him staying up watching TV likely also eliminates evening check ins before sleep, which is something my partner and I really value).

3) Then I would start getting away from him as much as you can, in order to get the separation you need. Don't get a new job, that's dumb. Start going for runs in the morning (or walks, or trips to get coffee). Take your laptop elsewhere for chunks of the day to work if you don't have calls/meetings. Start making plans in the early evening during his "pajama time" -- meet up with friends, run errands, go shopping, whatever. He's home and your kids are fairly independent you said, so take that time for yourself and get away from him. I'd also plan some weekends away -- go visit a sibling or a friend, attend some kind of retreat in your industry, whatever excuse you can find. More time apart. He's not making it happen so you have to, but you don't need to go get an office job to do it. Just find elsewhere to be when you can.

I personally think that when he sees you living a very active life, notices you going out more in the evening, and hears you asking for earlier bedtimes so that you guys can get more intimacy, his schedule will adjust and he'll start doing the same. He's still in the honeymoon phase of WFH and I think he's getting complacent. He's acting like a teenager whose strict parents never let him just relax so he's being a lazy college freshman. He can stay WFH, but he can be an adult about it, too. Show him what that looks like.[/quote]
This, except don't frame it as "maturity" or lack thereof.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics