Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

I stayed at home for a bit after my third and I was surprised at how much more money we ended up spending because of reasons like this. There are costs to working, like daycare. But I spent far less after returning to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

but those people are not buying expensive real estate while doing nails every three days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

That is a big hit in income.

How much do you earn? If less than her maybe you should do it.

[Anonymous]

180K is a big income, but yeah she needs to cool it with the subscriptions. What if you sat down together and showed her how much you are spending now on all those things and then how much it would eat into your savings if she didn't work. Maybe she doesn't get it?

[Anonymous]

Let her. Seriously, do your part and let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

I did not think I would want to stay home with my kids. I thought SAHMs were lazy or bad at their careers. I don’t think Dh would ever marry a woman whose goal in life was to stay home and I would not have married a guy who would want a stay at home wife. We decided together that it would be best for our family for me to stay home and we did not decide this until we had our second child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great. So make a plan for 6 months and live off the income you would have if she quit or went part time. And then see what the budget is for the lifestyle you want.

This, although maybe bump it to 9 months to a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great. So make a plan for 6 months and live off the income you would have if she quit or went part time. And then see what the budget is for the lifestyle you want.

OP here. Second baby will be tried for soon.

How about you live off one income until baby two arrives and then she transitions to SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

Pp here. I’m a massage person myself. I didn’t really care much for massages before kids. I needed them more when I had a baby because my back and shoulders hurt from carrying the baby around. Your wife sounds high maintenance. For the record, when you have a baby, you don’t miraculously have more time to cook.

I’m a sahm so I fully understand why she would want to stay home. People can live off 200k. I think you should have a clear plan on how long she would stay home. Will it be until the second child is in preschool? Elementary? Forever?

OP here. I do all the cooking.

You said you both cook and that the food boxes like Hello Fresh are mostly for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

I did not think I would want to stay home with my kids. I thought SAHMs were lazy or bad at their careers. I don’t think Dh would ever marry a woman whose goal in life was to stay home and I would not have married a guy who would want a stay at home wife. We decided together that it would be best for our family for me to stay home and we did not decide this until we had our second child.

Same here. I would have laughed in your face if you said I would end up as a SAHM while dating/engaged. I wanted to juggle working and a baby…until I held the baby in my arms and everything changed and I couldn’t imagine leaving her. This is one of those things where sure, if the man absolutely cannot imagine being a sole provider, he should bring that up. But also the couple just needs to be compatible enough, and flexible in how they handle disagreements, for a marriage to work. Things change as you progress in a marriage throughout life’s milestones like parenthood.

[Anonymous]

I went back to work and I can tell you I regret it. Not because I don’t like working, but I hate leaving my kids behind and have someone to else spend precious time with them, and paying lots of money! What kind of work does she do? Working 2 days would be ideal because you are still home the majority of the week.

I read an article recently that said we spend about 80-90% of our time with out children before they are 12 years old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

I did not think I would want to stay home with my kids. I thought SAHMs were lazy or bad at their careers. I don’t think Dh would ever marry a woman whose goal in life was to stay home and I would not have married a guy who would want a stay at home wife. We decided together that it would be best for our family for me to stay home and we did not decide this until we had our second child.

Same here. I would have laughed in your face if you said I would end up as a SAHM while dating/engaged. I wanted to juggle working and a baby…until I held the baby in my arms and everything changed and I couldn’t imagine leaving her. This is one of those things where sure, if the man absolutely cannot imagine being a sole provider, he should bring that up. But also the couple just needs to be compatible enough, and flexible in how they handle disagreements, for a marriage to work. Things change as you progress in a marriage throughout life’s milestones like parenthood.

Pp here. If you asked any guy I dated in my 20s, they would be surprised I am home with the kids. I dated a guy who was slightly older and told him I wouldn’t even want to take the full maternity leave and be back at work as soon as my body allowed, at maybe two weeks. My college boyfriend told me I was not wife material. He didn’t think I had maternal instincts. I didn’t think babies were cute. I thought toddlers at restaurants were annoying and their doting parents were even worse. Now I love babies and toddlers. I didn’t know how much having a baby would change me.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds like a spender. She is not going to miraculously spend less. She represents 1/3 of your HHI. This is not insignificant. Maybe she can cut out some meal plans and the salon. Then there will be baby gear you need to buy. She will need new clothes post baby. She will want to go on vacation. It isn’t like she is just going to sit at home spending no money. You will likely want to have a first birthday party and go on a family vacation. She will have more time to spend money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

So where exactly are you proposing they find a SFH on $180k?

Many American — don’t live in DMV. And many don’t have massages for SPENDTHRIFT SAHM. Very curious what setup you envision.