The strain of SN on a marriage

[Anonymous]

I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Self-care doesn't have to mean a two week adults only vacation to fiji. Self care for me is going out with a group of girl friends once a month for dinner. If you can't afford dinner, suggest coffee. Really self-care is finding something (even infrequent) that is just for you.

PP Here. We had a violent kid and an NT kid. One parent could never, ever be alone with both kids. So if i left the house on an evening or weekend, I had to take a kid. Ergo, no self care, ever. All annual and sick leave was for school vacations, the random days off, and of course, ER visits. I hear you that self care doesn't need to be insanely expensive, but some of you just totally have no clue that there were NO options for some of us.

And at this point we're coming out of it, and so there is time for self care, but even with the benefit of hindsight, I see absolutely nothing we could have done differently.

+2 when violence is an issue the barriers to self care are higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

Literally when the hell would I have gone to therapy. God the blindness is unreal. There was no virtual therapy pre 2020.

I'm gonna log off because I'm starting to get angry, and that won't help me respond to anyone in a calm and supportive way. But mother of god, literally how would some of us ever gone to therapy alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Self-care doesn't have to mean a two week adults only vacation to fiji. Self care for me is going out with a group of girl friends once a month for dinner. If you can't afford dinner, suggest coffee. Really self-care is finding something (even infrequent) that is just for you.

PP Here. We had a violent kid and an NT kid. One parent could never, ever be alone with both kids. So if i left the house on an evening or weekend, I had to take a kid. Ergo, no self care, ever. All annual and sick leave was for school vacations, the random days off, and of course, ER visits. I hear you that self care doesn't need to be insanely expensive, but some of you just totally have no clue that there were NO options for some of us.

And at this point we're coming out of it, and so there is time for self care, but even with the benefit of hindsight, I see absolutely nothing we could have done differently.

+2 when violence is an issue the barriers to self care are higher.

+3. PANS/PANDAS parent over here. What we went through is not really understandable if you haven't seen it firsthand. Thankfully we finally got a diagnosis and treatment, so things are better with DC, but we're still shellshocked/dealing with PTSD and time will tell whether there's anything left in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

Literally when the hell would I have gone to therapy. God the blindness is unreal. There was no virtual therapy pre 2020.

I'm gonna log off because I'm starting to get angry, and that won't help me respond to anyone in a calm and supportive way. But mother of god, literally how would some of us ever gone to therapy alone?

I am a SN mom. I went to therapy when my kid was in school. Or when my DH could be home.

Lots of us figure out ways.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

Literally when the hell would I have gone to therapy. God the blindness is unreal. There was no virtual therapy pre 2020.

I'm gonna log off because I'm starting to get angry, and that won't help me respond to anyone in a calm and supportive way. But mother of god, literally how would some of us ever gone to therapy alone?

I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you. Clearly your experience is even more difficult than most special needs parents. That does not mean that some of the suggestions won’t help someone else. I hesitate to even offer another suggestion for you, since your entire mindset is that it is impossible - and, indeed, perhaps in this time of your lives it is, and I empathize. Can you get a sitter for the NT kid and take turns getting an evening away while the other stays with the other child? Where are they during the day? It can’t be that both parents stay home 24-7?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

Literally when the hell would I have gone to therapy. God the blindness is unreal. There was no virtual therapy pre 2020.

I'm gonna log off because I'm starting to get angry, and that won't help me respond to anyone in a calm and supportive way. But mother of god, literally how would some of us ever gone to therapy alone?

I am so sorry. It is so hard. Self care is impossible sometimes and those times are so hard (especially if they drag on for long periods of time). I’ve gotten to a point where I have nearly no leave available at work (except unpaid and that’s not something I can afford).

I don’t know your child’s needs, so I don’t know if this is an option, but the best thing we’ve done for our family is family therapy. It helped so much with our family dynamic (individual therapy for my son has been a huge challenge and has been only minimally helpful) and helped my husband and I to parent in more effective ways, which lowered our stress levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC has HFA. We are blessed that it is relatively mild compared to others. But, it is exhausting. DC isn’t getting the supports he needs at school which then turns home life into havoc.

It’s taking a toll on my marriage. We have to divide and conquer - meltdown after meltdown,
Constant need for attention, and just the unpredictability of it all. Financially it’s also draining us havin gnto
Pay out of pocket for all the supports needed.

For those who make it work, how do you balance needs of your child with your own needs? I do zero self-care at this point. DH and I haven’t had a date night in 5 years (DC refuses babysitters and grandparents).

Your case doesn't sound mild at all. I wonder why you categorize it that way. It sounds like you need a BCBA to help your family so you can create a behavior intervention plan.


I am in an autism parents group with level two and three kids. Several of the parents have used ABA to greatly improve their family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP that mentioned self care and I am very much a special needs parent who has spent the last 4 years advocating, worrying, crying, celebrating victories, driving to interventions, blah blah blah.

When I felt the equilibrium was off (or more off than usual) the one place where I started each time was self care. As trite as it is, put your O2 mask on before you put on DC's. The self care that comes to mind for me first is finding a therapist - for me!

Literally when the hell would I have gone to therapy. God the blindness is unreal. There was no virtual therapy pre 2020.

I'm gonna log off because I'm starting to get angry, and that won't help me respond to anyone in a calm and supportive way. But mother of god, literally how would some of us ever gone to therapy alone?

I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you. Clearly your experience is even more difficult than most special needs parents. That does not mean that some of the suggestions won’t help someone else. I hesitate to even offer another suggestion for you, since your entire mindset is that it is impossible - and, indeed, perhaps in this time of your lives it is, and I empathize. Can you get a sitter for the NT kid and take turns getting an evening away while the other stays with the other child? Where are they during the day? It can’t be that both parents stay home 24-7?

I am PP and today I am calmer. Thank you for responding. We are on the other side now, but no, we could not have hired a sitter for NT with one parent staying w/ the older child. No sitter wanted to be around the violence that was our daily lives. Plus the NT little one was too scared to be with anyone but a parent. We tried with a very trusted friend a few times, and it was very traumatizing for NT. During the day kids were at school (or little one was day care for some of the worst of it), but I couldn't use any vacation days because I needed to save it for school vacations and days off.

Im' not saying people shouldn't offer suggestions for other SN parents, but I'm just saying -- stop saying "take care of yourself" or "put your oxygen mask on!" It's just really condescending. I think most people have thought of that. Nowadays going to therapy would be easier because you can do it online w/ so many providers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

+1 They don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

+1 They don’t get it.

That is why you need a BCBA. Just throwing up your hands and saying it is all impossible is almost never true.

Especially when OP says her child is mildly affected. Something doesn't add up here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

+1 They don’t get it.

That is why you need a BCBA. Just throwing up your hands and saying it is all impossible is almost never true.

Especially when OP says her child is mildly affected. Something doesn't add up here.

Who says she hasn’t tried ABA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

+1 They don’t get it.

That is why you need a BCBA. Just throwing up your hands and saying it is all impossible is almost never true.

Especially when OP says her child is mildly affected. Something doesn't add up here.

Who says she hasn’t tried ABA?

I am betting no. She says her child is mildly affected. And yet that is not what any of her description of her home life suggests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

This. Also my autistic kid is so challenging that none of the babysitters we’ve hired will ever come back. His needs are high so it’s difficult to even find someone capable enough to even deal with him, let alone come back again.