The strain of SN on a marriage

[Anonymous]

DC has HFA. We are blessed that it is relatively mild compared to others. But, it is exhausting. DC isn’t getting the supports he needs at school which then turns home life into havoc.

It’s taking a toll on my marriage. We have to divide and conquer - meltdown after meltdown,
Constant need for attention, and just the unpredictability of it all. Financially it’s also draining us havin gnto
Pay out of pocket for all the supports needed.

For those who make it work, how do you balance needs of your child with your own needs? I do zero self-care at this point. DH and I haven’t had a date night in 5 years (DC refuses babysitters and grandparents).

[Anonymous]

How old is he? Does he get to decide if he refuses babysitters?

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? We are doing better, but only after years of therapy for me, therapy for child, couples therapy. It has taken a long time to find the *right* therapists, too.

Constant experimentation, OP. If things aren't working, it's because some variable needs to be changed.

In general, I've tried to defer to meeting my own needs over meeting my kid's. Why? I know that in general (and historically), I'm vastly under-satisfying my own needs and vastly over-satisfying my son's. It's been a helpful rule of thumb, tbh. For example: if you need a date night, that can and should be prioritized over the fear that your son has a tantrum (assuming that you can find the right caregiver, of course).

[Anonymous]

You need an educational advocate to get IEP needs met.

[Anonymous]

Couple's therapy should be in the mix.

[Anonymous]

Our child has profound ID and autism. In some ways, this may be easier. She has no ability to really object to anything.

We have always prioritized our marriage. We have always hired help and gone on a date at least once a week. We also cut out a number of incredibly expensive therapies once we realized that her IQ was so low that these things were not going to fundamentally change her trajectory.

The reality is that saving money for her later is more important than spending money now (other than childcare).

If you have never forced the babysitter issue, this is going to be very tough to solve. But, if you think being married matters, you need to solve for it. My husband and I joke that there is no way in hell we want to do this trading off on a 50/50 basis. We need someone to tag team this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child has profound ID and autism. In some ways, this may be easier. She has no ability to really object to anything.

We have always prioritized our marriage. We have always hired help and gone on a date at least once a week. We also cut out a number of incredibly expensive therapies once we realized that her IQ was so low that these things were not going to fundamentally change her trajectory.

The reality is that saving money for her later is more important than spending money now (other than childcare).

If you have never forced the babysitter issue, this is going to be very tough to solve. But, if you think being married matters, you need to solve for it. My husband and I joke that there is no way in hell we want to do this trading off on a 50/50 basis. We need someone to tag team this situation.

Let me also add. Medication helped us. Our daughter spent 18 months screaming and crying until we found the right medication. If you are not looking at meds, I would consider it. This is a marathon not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

We would send our kid to school then take the day off together.

[Anonymous]

My DS is almost 16 and has a rare syndrome that comes with ID, complex medical issues and behavioral issues. From the start, my parents encouraged us to go out and have either them or a sitter watch him. It's been a stressful road but we are thankful we do have the breaks. We have a PT aide who has been with us for 7 years. This has allowed us to have date nights and also spend one-on-one time with our other son.

It is so hard having a special needs child. Thank goodness school is going well and is supportive but he needs constant supervision when he's at home or out somewhere (he elopes) and always wants mommy (I have to be out of the house for him to let daddy to help).

[Anonymous]

Can you get a babysitter after he's gone to bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get a babysitter after he's gone to bed?

I was going to suggest this. 👆

Or start with some daytime dates to get him used to a sitter, who can take him on an outing rather than deal with bedtime or whatever the evening trigger is. We used special ed paraeducators for years when ours was little.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have answers but I will say that if you have poor conflict resolution as a couple a SN child will magnify that by a thousand. My spouse and I just can’t agree on things—in retrospect, before the kids we just papered over it and did our separate things or one just gave in (usually me). I wish we had worked with a couples therapist skilled in teaching people how to disagree productively and reach resolution decades ago. He really didn’t want to then, and I’m too exhausted to try now. I read some books and tried to sort of implement things I’d read there but it really doesn’t work as a one way street. For me, that’s a much bigger issue that not having a babysitter to be able to get out or whatever.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard. My DH and I have a pretty amazing relationship compared to most couples I know, but the strain of SN creates conflicts and issues we never had before. Our kid also has HFA, and I think that can be particularly hard.

The main thing that has worked for us has been reminding ourselves that we are a TEAM. It is so easy to blame each other or feel that we would have done things differently so as to prevent the meltdown that then ruined much of the rest of the day, but honestly, we both make mistakes, and it was probably coming regardless of what we did. We have worked through some therapy stuff together that has focused on our parenting, and that has been useful for us.

I do think you need some time with each other, even if it means turning on a movie for your kid and sitting in another room with takeout and pretending you are alone. I do think you should be able to find a sitter who will work for you. Can you set up a regular routine so that it is predictable? That can help kids who have a hard time with change. Is there an aftercare program or activity he might be willing to try? What about a teacher from school that he knows who would be willing to babysit once in a while? A friend's house he could go to?

[Anonymous]

DH and I went to couples therapy a few times early on because we loved each other like crazy but couldn’t argue without things getting ugly. We learned to disagree agreeably. It took five years, but I am so thankful because have been through awful, stressful times (one child has had serious mood disorder) where we didn’t always agree on things, but we have been able to work it out and feel like we are in it all together.

For me, taking time for my marriage is equivalent to taking time for my kids - they will be hugely impacted by a divorce or a bad relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean date nights (I don’t think we have had one for over a year), but it does mean making time daily for DH and I to talk and connect. It means that when I snap at him because I’m frustrated with the kids, I apologize and sincerely try to not do it. It means making time for sex even when I’m tired. It also means that sometimes I put him first - make sure he gets time to do his hobby even if I’m stuck alone with the kids on a Saturday afternoon (he does the same for me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our child has profound ID and autism. In some ways, this may be easier. She has no ability to really object to anything.

We have always prioritized our marriage. We have always hired help and gone on a date at least once a week. We also cut out a number of incredibly expensive therapies once we realized that her IQ was so low that these things were not going to fundamentally change her trajectory.

The reality is that saving money for her later is more important than spending money now (other than childcare).

If you have never forced the babysitter issue, this is going to be very tough to solve. But, if you think being married matters, you need to solve for it. My husband and I joke that there is no way in hell we want to do this trading off on a 50/50 basis. We need someone to tag team this situation.

Let me also add. Medication helped us. Our daughter spent 18 months screaming and crying until we found the right medication. If you are not looking at meds, I would consider it. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Well said, pp. I could have written this myself.