The strain of SN on a marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC has HFA. We are blessed that it is relatively mild compared to others. But, it is exhausting. DC isn’t getting the supports he needs at school which then turns home life into havoc.

It’s taking a toll on my marriage. We have to divide and conquer - meltdown after meltdown,
Constant need for attention, and just the unpredictability of it all. Financially it’s also draining us havin gnto
Pay out of pocket for all the supports needed.

For those who make it work, how do you balance needs of your child with your own needs? I do zero self-care at this point. DH and I haven’t had a date night in 5 years (DC refuses babysitters and grandparents).

Are you getting ABA? Sounds like your family could really benefit from it. You can't let the kud run the show. It is not sustainable. Even just parent coaching could help.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said you do "zero self care at this point". I think that is where you need to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would send our kid to school then take the day off together.

This is what we did. We never could have a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We would send our kid to school then take the day off together.

This is what we did. We never could have a babysitter.

+1

Day dates only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would send our kid to school then take the day off together.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Self-care doesn't have to mean a two week adults only vacation to fiji. Self care for me is going out with a group of girl friends once a month for dinner. If you can't afford dinner, suggest coffee. Really self-care is finding something (even infrequent) that is just for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Self-care doesn't have to mean a two week adults only vacation to fiji. Self care for me is going out with a group of girl friends once a month for dinner. If you can't afford dinner, suggest coffee. Really self-care is finding something (even infrequent) that is just for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Yes - I understand this view. It is just hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC has HFA. We are blessed that it is relatively mild compared to others. But, it is exhausting. DC isn’t getting the supports he needs at school which then turns home life into havoc.

It’s taking a toll on my marriage. We have to divide and conquer - meltdown after meltdown,
Constant need for attention, and just the unpredictability of it all. Financially it’s also draining us havin gnto
Pay out of pocket for all the supports needed.

For those who make it work, how do you balance needs of your child with your own needs? I do zero self-care at this point. DH and I haven’t had a date night in 5 years (DC refuses babysitters and grandparents).

Hugs OP. Is your DC an ok sleeper? Maybe you can do date nights after he is in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

This is when you make hard choices. You stop a therapy to have more money or time to devote to yourself or your marriage. I get that it is hard, but thay is what we have done.

[Anonymous]

I have been sort of mulling this over in my head because in retrospect the periods of time that were the hardest on my marriage have not always been when my child is doing the worst. There’s definitely overlap- the first year of the pandemic was absolutely horrible for all of us and all of our relationships, but I think for me the hardest thing is when we don’t feel like a team. There have been periods I felt we were a good united front and I was definitely making more sacrifices but they were seen and appreciated and our child was a shared priority. There have been other periods where that has not been the case. Our DC is doing really well at the moment and weirdly my spouse seems almost more resentful and has been making comments about friends “easy children” and seeming focused on themselves. I wonder if they are better in crisis mode or were more massively in denial than I thought and maybe struggling to accept that this is our life long term and it’s not going to look like other people’s. I don’t think a date night is going to fix it, though maybe it would help. I think at the end of the day there isn’t enough time and energy for me to be a good wife (or the adoring wife he thinks other people have) and also deal with all the things that our child needs. I view it as wow I’ve made these sacrifices in my own career and I handle so much and it’s still not enough and he’s just still thinking he wants more out of me and our kids. I don’t know what the answer is.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the people who are suggesting you force a babysitter on an autistic child who is refusing. Mine would have a violent meltdown. If yours would too, OP, then I see you, and I knew the “just get a babysitter!” suggestions aren’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been sort of mulling this over in my head because in retrospect the periods of time that were the hardest on my marriage have not always been when my child is doing the worst. There’s definitely overlap- the first year of the pandemic was absolutely horrible for all of us and all of our relationships, but I think for me the hardest thing is when we don’t feel like a team. There have been periods I felt we were a good united front and I was definitely making more sacrifices but they were seen and appreciated and our child was a shared priority. There have been other periods where that has not been the case. Our DC is doing really well at the moment and weirdly my spouse seems almost more resentful and has been making comments about friends “easy children” and seeming focused on themselves. I wonder if they are better in crisis mode or were more massively in denial than I thought and maybe struggling to accept that this is our life long term and it’s not going to look like other people’s. I don’t think a date night is going to fix it, though maybe it would help. I think at the end of the day there isn’t enough time and energy for me to be a good wife (or the adoring wife he thinks other people have) and also deal with all the things that our child needs. I view it as wow I’ve made these sacrifices in my own career and I handle so much and it’s still not enough and he’s just still thinking he wants more out of me and our kids. I don’t know what the answer is.

I’m the poster whose kid has profound ID. While I think my hsuband and I have managed to stay happily married, I can relate to this post. We are actually really, really good at the hardest stuff. When things are a little better, we have more time to be pissed off about smaller things that don’t matter. I do think spending quality time together helps with this. It gives us space to communicate about it. We literally joke about this. Like “oh, isn’t it nice we have enough time and energy to be mad about whose turn it is to deal with dinner?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you "just do self care!" people actual SN parents? We were drowning for YEARS. There was no time or money for couples counseling. No time or money for self care. We were shells of ourselves. We're still digging out of that hole.

Self-care doesn't have to mean a two week adults only vacation to fiji. Self care for me is going out with a group of girl friends once a month for dinner. If you can't afford dinner, suggest coffee. Really self-care is finding something (even infrequent) that is just for you.

PP Here. We had a violent kid and an NT kid. One parent could never, ever be alone with both kids. So if i left the house on an evening or weekend, I had to take a kid. Ergo, no self care, ever. All annual and sick leave was for school vacations, the random days off, and of course, ER visits. I hear you that self care doesn't need to be insanely expensive, but some of you just totally have no clue that there were NO options for some of us.

And at this point we're coming out of it, and so there is time for self care, but even with the benefit of hindsight, I see absolutely nothing we could have done differently.