‘Help’ that is not wanted is not help

[Anonymous]

Your mom is never going to see you as a peer. Just because you are married and have your own home isn't going to change that. Accepting this is half the battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

Yep, this is what it is. They want everyone to comment about what a good cook they are.

I have a similar situation with a relative who is into crafts and every gift from them is some handmade item. Which is certainly nice of them and it’s the thought that counts, of course, but every item this person sends is made with colors that I have never used in my home. I’m convinced it’s just about this person wanting to comment on how talented they are with their crafts. This person has been to my home many times and has seen the colors I have everywhere but persists in giving me handmade items that clash with the colors of things I already have (and clearly love, because I use those colors throughout my home).

I used to put the things out anyway, but during Covid I decided I had the right to have my house look the way I want it to. I bundled up all the items and donated them so that someone who actually likes and enjoy those colors can get some pleasure from them. I feel so much better not having to look at these items that look so out of place in my home.

Just keep saying no, thank you to your mom OP, or ask her to make dessert. You have a good plan for your event and you have every right to stick with it.

These are the worst posters. The closet narcissists. Of course that's how you interpret their gifts and offers -- because you view them through your own narcissistic and frankly insane lens.

I hope you get nothing but store-bought crap and Hallmark cards from now on. Both the immediate PP and the one above. I also hope your jealousy doesn't poison others.

NP. Yeah, nobody wants what you are insisting they take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

I think this is wrong. At least it is with my mom, who sounds very similar to what OP is dealing with.

My mom really, truly believes she's helping, and being selfless or inconveniencing herself is a key feature of this. I think you see this with a lot of women, who learned that the way to be a good daughter, mother, friend, or spouse, was to martyr yourself of the sake of someone else's comfort. It's probably a dynamic that was very prevalent in their homes growing up, and they were probably told a million times by their parents that it was their job to help others even if was hard or painful or uncomfortable or inconvenient for them. A whole generation of women were raised to be martyrs to other people's comfort. And I think before this generation, people just didn't care that much about women's comfort so the fact that mom or grandma was getting up at 5am to cook a meal for a party they weren't even hosting so that everyone could go to church together was just taken for granted as normal.

But now it's not, and that conflict is hard to reconcile. My mom really does want to just make herself absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy. But she doesn't seem to understand that we actually find it unpleasant to see her inconvenienced or having to work hard while others do nothing. Like I'm never going to enjoy an event where my mom is slaving away in the kitchen and everyone else is having a good time! But I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to join her, why would it help if we are both martyring ourselves? It doesn't.

But my mom was brainwashed as a child. What are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

I think this is wrong. At least it is with my mom, who sounds very similar to what OP is dealing with.

My mom really, truly believes she's helping, and being selfless or inconveniencing herself is a key feature of this. I think you see this with a lot of women, who learned that the way to be a good daughter, mother, friend, or spouse, was to martyr yourself of the sake of someone else's comfort. It's probably a dynamic that was very prevalent in their homes growing up, and they were probably told a million times by their parents that it was their job to help others even if was hard or painful or uncomfortable or inconvenient for them. A whole generation of women were raised to be martyrs to other people's comfort. And I think before this generation, people just didn't care that much about women's comfort so the fact that mom or grandma was getting up at 5am to cook a meal for a party they weren't even hosting so that everyone could go to church together was just taken for granted as normal.

But now it's not, and that conflict is hard to reconcile. My mom really does want to just make herself absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy. But she doesn't seem to understand that we actually find it unpleasant to see her inconvenienced or having to work hard while others do nothing. Like I'm never going to enjoy an event where my mom is slaving away in the kitchen and everyone else is having a good time! But I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to join her, why would it help if we are both martyring ourselves? It doesn't.

But my mom was brainwashed as a child. What are you going to do?

If my mom did this, it 100% would be because she wants the attention on her. And then she would complain about it like we forced her to do it. And then we would all have to clean up her huge mess she made. And then we would get in trouble for not complimenting her enough. And then there would either be tears or yelling. I feel you OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

I think this is wrong. At least it is with my mom, who sounds very similar to what OP is dealing with.

My mom really, truly believes she's helping, and being selfless or inconveniencing herself is a key feature of this. I think you see this with a lot of women, who learned that the way to be a good daughter, mother, friend, or spouse, was to martyr yourself of the sake of someone else's comfort. It's probably a dynamic that was very prevalent in their homes growing up, and they were probably told a million times by their parents that it was their job to help others even if was hard or painful or uncomfortable or inconvenient for them. A whole generation of women were raised to be martyrs to other people's comfort. And I think before this generation, people just didn't care that much about women's comfort so the fact that mom or grandma was getting up at 5am to cook a meal for a party they weren't even hosting so that everyone could go to church together was just taken for granted as normal.

But now it's not, and that conflict is hard to reconcile. My mom really does want to just make herself absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy. But she doesn't seem to understand that we actually find it unpleasant to see her inconvenienced or having to work hard while others do nothing. Like I'm never going to enjoy an event where my mom is slaving away in the kitchen and everyone else is having a good time! But I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to join her, why would it help if we are both martyring ourselves? It doesn't.

But my mom was brainwashed as a child. What are you going to do?

Some people really love cooking. More than they enjoy chatting with guests. To them, that's not being a martyr. They like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

Yep, this is what it is. They want everyone to comment about what a good cook they are.

I have a similar situation with a relative who is into crafts and every gift from them is some handmade item. Which is certainly nice of them and it’s the thought that counts, of course, but every item this person sends is made with colors that I have never used in my home. I’m convinced it’s just about this person wanting to comment on how talented they are with their crafts. This person has been to my home many times and has seen the colors I have everywhere but persists in giving me handmade items that clash with the colors of things I already have (and clearly love, because I use those colors throughout my home).

I used to put the things out anyway, but during Covid I decided I had the right to have my house look the way I want it to. I bundled up all the items and donated them so that someone who actually likes and enjoy those colors can get some pleasure from them. I feel so much better not having to look at these items that look so out of place in my home.

Just keep saying no, thank you to your mom OP, or ask her to make dessert. You have a good plan for your event and you have every right to stick with it.

These are the worst posters. The closet narcissists. Of course that's how you interpret their gifts and offers -- because you view them through your own narcissistic and frankly insane lens.

I hope you get nothing but store-bought crap and Hallmark cards from now on. Both the immediate PP and the one above. I also hope your jealousy doesn't poison others.

Do you really think it is a kindness to give someone multiple items of home decor that are very, very different from anything else that person displays as decor in their home? When I give gifts, I try to think about what the other person likes and might want, not about how I can display my talents with leftover materials from things I make for myself that match my own home decor. Sorry, it’s not really a gift if it’s more about the giver than the receiver.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really generational and that women back in MIL’s day either didn’t feel comfortable accepting the help of other women and/or felt they had to feign that they didn’t want it so the other woman would “insist.” Mores change. I wouldn’t take it personally at all, and I wouldn’t consider MIL a narcissist or would be martyr. She honestly thinks that deep down you want the help.

But it really is ok to put your foot down and say no thank you. Repeat no over and over, reiterate that you are excited to have the Italian food, and enlist DH’s help as well. I like the idea of redirecting her towards dessert or a breakfast instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live about 4 hours from ILs and about 8 hours from my parents. So we see them fairly regularly (we visit them or they visit us), go on vacations, spend holidays together, etc. Good relationships all around. DH and I both work outside the home, and we have two elementary-school daughters.

We just finished a visit with ILs and in about four weeks we have both sets of parents in town for a family event. I mentioned to my mom that we are getting catered Italian for the event (that we are hosting). It’s not fancy, but it’s defiantly good-quality, and it works well for allergy restrictions and other factors among all guests. (She asked what we are doing.)

She has taken it upon herself to “volunteer” to cook this family event meal, which is following a church service, so we won’t even be in the house beforehand. For numerous reasons, I don’t want this. She keeps saying oh it won’t be hard, we’ll do X and Y ahead of time, blah blah blah. I just keep saying no, and she’s pushing it.

I love my parents and my ILs, but this is just one more thing in a long list of times that they never help with what I actually ask for (“would you please take the girls on a walk to the playground down the street while I fold laundry” or “would you please set the table while I finish dinner”), they all constantly make suggestions about how to “help” instead. It’s always something I don’t want them to do, something that wouldn’t truly be helpful to me, or something that they just prefer over the way I do things. It’s getting to the point where I dread their visits here.

I’m fine seeing them on vacation in their homes, but it’s like none of them know how to just go with the flow and let me live in my own house. “Help” that is not wanted is not help! I do try to involve them, I try to make their visits relaxing and pleasant, I just don’t understand why they can’t treat me like they would a peer. I highly doubt if one of their friends said they were ordering catering for an event that they’d try to take over. Ugh. Sorry, it’s just a vent. And I know it’s small potatoes.

You need to be blunt - "Mom, I don't want to do X and Y ahead of time and I don't want our visit time taken up with you doing it either. I don't want to be stressed about food prep after we are leaving the Church. If you absolutely have to do something you can make an appetizer or dessert, but I'm catering the event. We are really excited to have you and I'd like to focus on other plans because the food is taken care of. Do you think we should get balloons or flowers for the tables?"

They are treating you this way because you can't say no and shut it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really generational and that women back in MIL’s day either didn’t feel comfortable accepting the help of other women and/or felt they had to feign that they didn’t want it so the other woman would “insist.” Mores change. I wouldn’t take it personally at all, and I wouldn’t consider MIL a narcissist or would be martyr. She honestly thinks that deep down you want the help.

But it really is ok to put your foot down and say no thank you. Repeat no over and over, reiterate that you are excited to have the Italian food, and enlist DH’s help as well. I like the idea of redirecting her towards dessert or a breakfast instead.

+1 There used to be this social rule that you had to say no three times before you accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

OP here. I do of course say thank you all the time, invite them frequently, say yes to their invitations and to their requests to visit and FT, etc. I accommodate their food preferences, travel preferences, vacation preferences, etc., etc. When I am in their home, I ask how I can help and I listen and do what they ask of me without questioning them or pushing my own agenda. I write thank you notes and encourage my kids to do the same. I call often and encourage my husband to call his parents.

I would just like to be respected in my own home. If they prefer not to help, that would be fine, too. They can relax, which would be more helpful than “help.”

You get to the above step by step. You are taking this too personally. My parents are visiting starting tomorrow. My mother is beside herself if there is not some house project for them to do during the day when the kids are at school and I'm at work. She feels like she's not being useful and will offer a million things she can do - like does anyone need anything ironed? (we haven't used an iron in like 10 years), buttons sewn on? (LOL), get something started for dinner? (this involves a minimum of 1000 questions and 100 apologies for using one of the 17 mustards we inevitably have in the fridge), etc., etc. You have to learn to be the duck in the rain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really generational and that women back in MIL’s day either didn’t feel comfortable accepting the help of other women and/or felt they had to feign that they didn’t want it so the other woman would “insist.” Mores change. I wouldn’t take it personally at all, and I wouldn’t consider MIL a narcissist or would be martyr. She honestly thinks that deep down you want the help.

But it really is ok to put your foot down and say no thank you. Repeat no over and over, reiterate that you are excited to have the Italian food, and enlist DH’s help as well. I like the idea of redirecting her towards dessert or a breakfast instead.

It's OP's own mother, not her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

Yep, this is what it is. They want everyone to comment about what a good cook they are.

I have a similar situation with a relative who is into crafts and every gift from them is some handmade item. Which is certainly nice of them and it’s the thought that counts, of course, but every item this person sends is made with colors that I have never used in my home. I’m convinced it’s just about this person wanting to comment on how talented they are with their crafts. This person has been to my home many times and has seen the colors I have everywhere but persists in giving me handmade items that clash with the colors of things I already have (and clearly love, because I use those colors throughout my home).

I used to put the things out anyway, but during Covid I decided I had the right to have my house look the way I want it to. I bundled up all the items and donated them so that someone who actually likes and enjoy those colors can get some pleasure from them. I feel so much better not having to look at these items that look so out of place in my home.

Just keep saying no, thank you to your mom OP, or ask her to make dessert. You have a good plan for your event and you have every right to stick with it.

These are the worst posters. The closet narcissists. Of course that's how you interpret their gifts and offers -- because you view them through your own narcissistic and frankly insane lens.

I hope you get nothing but store-bought crap and Hallmark cards from now on. Both the immediate PP and the one above. I also hope your jealousy doesn't poison others.

Do you really think it is a kindness to give someone multiple items of home decor that are very, very different from anything else that person displays as decor in their home? When I give gifts, I try to think about what the other person likes and might want, not about how I can display my talents with leftover materials from things I make for myself that match my own home decor. Sorry, it’s not really a gift if it’s more about the giver than the receiver.

I have no idea. But people interpret others in ways they understand because that's how they are themselves.

[Anonymous]

1000%.

I'm dealing with this with my own mother right now. She tries to be "helpful" during her visits, which essentially means imposing her will even after I've explicitly told her not to. Using my leftovers to cook dinner (she's not a good cook and has never cared to be, so in my view she's wasting ingredients), changing light bulbs and taking out trash (essentially doing things that I've left because DH needs to do them), and rearranging cabinets (without asking me what is working/not working). She then proudly announces that she's accomplished all of these things.

My mother is quite "sanctimonious," according to my own DH. Her attitude, tone, and approach to everything is truly one of "you should aspire to be like me," when I do not, whatsoever. Consistent with these traits, she's also a terrible listener, always looking to assert her opinion rather than ask questions. I've done my best to address this with her firmly but gently, but I can see myself resorting to a not-so-gentle approach in the very near future.

/rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

I think this is wrong. At least it is with my mom, who sounds very similar to what OP is dealing with.

My mom really, truly believes she's helping, and being selfless or inconveniencing herself is a key feature of this. I think you see this with a lot of women, who learned that the way to be a good daughter, mother, friend, or spouse, was to martyr yourself of the sake of someone else's comfort. It's probably a dynamic that was very prevalent in their homes growing up, and they were probably told a million times by their parents that it was their job to help others even if was hard or painful or uncomfortable or inconvenient for them. A whole generation of women were raised to be martyrs to other people's comfort. And I think before this generation, people just didn't care that much about women's comfort so the fact that mom or grandma was getting up at 5am to cook a meal for a party they weren't even hosting so that everyone could go to church together was just taken for granted as normal.

But now it's not, and that conflict is hard to reconcile. My mom really does want to just make herself absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy. But she doesn't seem to understand that we actually find it unpleasant to see her inconvenienced or having to work hard while others do nothing. Like I'm never going to enjoy an event where my mom is slaving away in the kitchen and everyone else is having a good time! But I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to join her, why would it help if we are both martyring ourselves? It doesn't.

But my mom was brainwashed as a child. What are you going to do?

Some people really love cooking. More than they enjoy chatting with guests. To them, that's not being a martyr. They like it.

Right. And that's fine when the event is their event and they put it on. They can like it all they want, on their own time and turf.

Here, the event is OP's family's event and they are putting it on. If everyone will be at church just before the celebration, OP probably prefers that her kitchen stay clean of pots and pans and that the catered food be brought out upon returning from church. Easy-peasy. It's her kitchen, her event, she gets the say.

Why is that so hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

I think this is wrong. At least it is with my mom, who sounds very similar to what OP is dealing with.

My mom really, truly believes she's helping, and being selfless or inconveniencing herself is a key feature of this. I think you see this with a lot of women, who learned that the way to be a good daughter, mother, friend, or spouse, was to martyr yourself of the sake of someone else's comfort. It's probably a dynamic that was very prevalent in their homes growing up, and they were probably told a million times by their parents that it was their job to help others even if was hard or painful or uncomfortable or inconvenient for them. A whole generation of women were raised to be martyrs to other people's comfort. And I think before this generation, people just didn't care that much about women's comfort so the fact that mom or grandma was getting up at 5am to cook a meal for a party they weren't even hosting so that everyone could go to church together was just taken for granted as normal.

But now it's not, and that conflict is hard to reconcile. My mom really does want to just make herself absolutely miserable so that everyone else can be happy. But she doesn't seem to understand that we actually find it unpleasant to see her inconvenienced or having to work hard while others do nothing. Like I'm never going to enjoy an event where my mom is slaving away in the kitchen and everyone else is having a good time! But I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to join her, why would it help if we are both martyring ourselves? It doesn't.

But my mom was brainwashed as a child. What are you going to do?

So there's 0% expectation for someone to even attempt self-awareness and change that would functionally improve the lives of all involved? If you haven't done bothered communicating your concerns and have put up with in, then that's your fault and you should suffer the consequence. Otherwise, BS.