‘Help’ that is not wanted is not help

[Anonymous]

We live about 4 hours from ILs and about 8 hours from my parents. So we see them fairly regularly (we visit them or they visit us), go on vacations, spend holidays together, etc. Good relationships all around. DH and I both work outside the home, and we have two elementary-school daughters.

We just finished a visit with ILs and in about four weeks we have both sets of parents in town for a family event. I mentioned to my mom that we are getting catered Italian for the event (that we are hosting). It’s not fancy, but it’s defiantly good-quality, and it works well for allergy restrictions and other factors among all guests. (She asked what we are doing.)

She has taken it upon herself to “volunteer” to cook this family event meal, which is following a church service, so we won’t even be in the house beforehand. For numerous reasons, I don’t want this. She keeps saying oh it won’t be hard, we’ll do X and Y ahead of time, blah blah blah. I just keep saying no, and she’s pushing it.

I love my parents and my ILs, but this is just one more thing in a long list of times that they never help with what I actually ask for (“would you please take the girls on a walk to the playground down the street while I fold laundry” or “would you please set the table while I finish dinner”), they all constantly make suggestions about how to “help” instead. It’s always something I don’t want them to do, something that wouldn’t truly be helpful to me, or something that they just prefer over the way I do things. It’s getting to the point where I dread their visits here.

I’m fine seeing them on vacation in their homes, but it’s like none of them know how to just go with the flow and let me live in my own house. “Help” that is not wanted is not help! I do try to involve them, I try to make their visits relaxing and pleasant, I just don’t understand why they can’t treat me like they would a peer. I highly doubt if one of their friends said they were ordering catering for an event that they’d try to take over. Ugh. Sorry, it’s just a vent. And I know it’s small potatoes.

[Anonymous]

Keep saying no that won’t work for us.
If she wants to cook something, maybe she can make desserts if that’s her thing.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

[Anonymous]

It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

[Anonymous]

Yup. Its a weird thing about certain generation of parents and food. Mine also hates when i cater smaller events. She prefers home cooked and for her its a sign of love for guests to spend hours and hours in the kitchen and thats what makes an event special. I mean i do too, but im not spending that kind of time and energy. So ive put my foot down and said "its catered and paid for already". I do offer her to cut some fruit it it makes her feel like she has to participate in food production.

[Anonymous]

Don't take it personally, I've seen it happen plenty of times. When people age their personalities can become difficult, for lack of a better word. If they were already difficult, it just magnifies with age.

Just keep saying "no thanks, everything is already arranged". Also, can DH tell her to lay off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep saying no that won’t work for us.
If she wants to cook something, maybe she can make desserts if that’s her thing.

This is a good idea. Maybe offer her to make a family breakfast the next morning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Its a weird thing about certain generation of parents and food. Mine also hates when i cater smaller events. She prefers home cooked and for her its a sign of love for guests to spend hours and hours in the kitchen and thats what makes an event special. I mean i do too, but im not spending that kind of time and energy. So ive put my foot down and said "its catered and paid for already". I do offer her to cut some fruit it it makes her feel like she has to participate in food production.

OP here. Maybe that’s it. I cook a ton and usually do make holiday/event meals, but this time it’s immediately following church, so it needs to be ready to go when people arrive back at my house soon after. It’s like, haven’t I “proven” by now that I am a good cook and hostess, especially considering I make full Thanksgiving meals, full Christmas and Easter meals, etc.? I always make good food for their visits and I don’t get what the big deal is about ordering out for once to make my life easier.

And to the poster earlier who suggested letting her make dessert—thank you, that is a great idea!

[Anonymous]

I am now a new MIL. I just bring wine 😄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now a new MIL. I just bring wine 😄

That sounds amazing!
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

OP here. I do of course say thank you all the time, invite them frequently, say yes to their invitations and to their requests to visit and FT, etc. I accommodate their food preferences, travel preferences, vacation preferences, etc., etc. When I am in their home, I ask how I can help and I listen and do what they ask of me without questioning them or pushing my own agenda. I write thank you notes and encourage my kids to do the same. I call often and encourage my husband to call his parents.

I would just like to be respected in my own home. If they prefer not to help, that would be fine, too. They can relax, which would be more helpful than “help.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

OP here. I do of course say thank you all the time, invite them frequently, say yes to their invitations and to their requests to visit and FT, etc. I accommodate their food preferences, travel preferences, vacation preferences, etc., etc. When I am in their home, I ask how I can help and I listen and do what they ask of me without questioning them or pushing my own agenda. I write thank you notes and encourage my kids to do the same. I call often and encourage my husband to call his parents.

I would just like to be respected in my own home. If they prefer not to help, that would be fine, too. They can relax, which would be more helpful than “help.”

They are showing you both love & respect through their offers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Its a weird thing about certain generation of parents and food. Mine also hates when i cater smaller events. She prefers home cooked and for her its a sign of love for guests to spend hours and hours in the kitchen and thats what makes an event special. I mean i do too, but im not spending that kind of time and energy. So ive put my foot down and said "its catered and paid for already". I do offer her to cut some fruit it it makes her feel like she has to participate in food production.

OP here. Maybe that’s it. I cook a ton and usually do make holiday/event meals, but this time it’s immediately following church, so it needs to be ready to go when people arrive back at my house soon after. It’s like, haven’t I “proven” by now that I am a good cook and hostess, especially considering I make full Thanksgiving meals, full Christmas and Easter meals, etc.? I always make good food for their visits and I don’t get what the big deal is about ordering out for once to make my life easier.

And to the poster earlier who suggested letting her make dessert—thank you, that is a great idea!

You're taking this personally. You shouldn't, it's very unlikely this is about you and more about her. Unless there is some history of MIL complaining about your cooking?