‘Help’ that is not wanted is not help

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have dealt with this with my own mom basically my entire life. But the first step is recognizing the dynamic.

I have handled it a variety of ways in the past. Sometimes I withhold details of something to prevent her from "helping" by insisting on doing things herself or changing the details to better suit what she wants under the guise of help. This does not always work because her helping is often really about control, and if I keep saying "oh I don't know yet, I'll figure it out" it makes her increasingly anxious and that gets unloaded on me.

I have been working on simply being very clear about what I'm going to do and what "help" is not wanted. This can be hard because she DOES NOT want to hear it. But I am getting better about saying it. So I would just say, repeatedly "Mom, I do not want you to cook for this gathering. It's not what I want. I spent time finding a caterer who could do exactly what I want them to do and I am totally comfortable with the cost. If you would like to cook at the next event that you host, that is totally up to you. I am hosting this event and I don't want anyone cooking. If you'd like to help, I have some other ideas." And then just hold firm. But I know this wouldn't always stop my mom. She gets into an almost manic mode where she simply doesn't hear me. It's hard.

Still, understanding the pattern helps. Just being able to articulate it, the way you have here, also helped me to realize that I was repeating this pattern with certain other people in my life, allowing them to "help" me in ways I didn't want even when I'd been explicit to them that I didn't want them to. In those relationships, it was easier to end the pattern because if they didn't listen to my clear communication, I just decided to end the relationships (these were friends/acquaintances). It's more complicated with your mom. But at least knowing how this works can help you to make the best choices you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

+1

Not respecting someone wishes and boundaries is not kind, helpful or loving.

OP I am currently dealing with something similar with my in-laws. They are staying with us for a bit and my MIL's idea of being helpful and saying thank you is buying random food. This ends up creating a lot more stress as I then have to figure out how to incorporate these random items into our meal plan and use my time and energy to prepare this food. Despite telling her numerous time not to do this she just doing it. I wish people could underhand that when you say no thank you you really mean it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I have this dynamic with my over sister. She swoops in and takes over with however she wants to do things, without any thought as to whether it's actually helpful vs burdensome and disruptive.

As a result, I haven't invited her to stay in my home since 2012. We met at our parents house or occasionally take a trip together, but those are challenging for other reasons. So I don't really have much advice, just commiseration. But I do love the idea of having her make dessert!

[Anonymous]

My mother is similar to this. Over time, I realized it’s a combination of needless anxiety, intrusiveness, martyrdom, and seeking validation through pointless acts of service. The only things that have worked to put her off these efforts to “help” is to tell her the task is already done and paid for, is a surprise (so I won’t share the details, etc.) or it’s being handled by my DH (she won’t pester him with her annoying offers to help or would back off after he shuts her down). We just went through this recently when she offered to cook for my DD’s birthday. I had to have several conversations that everything is already ordered and paid for, including food and decorations, and that she is an invited guest. I hear you, OP, so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

NP. God, you’re an idiot.

OP, I get it. For so many reason this is a giant no. Just say no to your MIL repeatedly. “Thanks, but no. We’re going to do catering.” “I hear ya, but we’re going to do catering.” Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now a new MIL. I just bring wine 😄

Then your DIL will be on DCUM complaining that you drink too much or that you don’t bring the right wine. Honestly it seems like so many MILs just can’t win, at least that’s how this forum makes it seem. Look at OP- by her own account these are nice people and they have good relationships. Because they do this annoying thing, now she is dreading their trips? I’m just like, seriously? Everyone has annoying traits! Why would this lead to dreading their visits? No one is perfect. Just accept their annoying bits and love and appreciate the rest. The world would be a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

OP here. I do of course say thank you all the time, invite them frequently, say yes to their invitations and to their requests to visit and FT, etc. I accommodate their food preferences, travel preferences, vacation preferences, etc., etc. When I am in their home, I ask how I can help and I listen and do what they ask of me without questioning them or pushing my own agenda. I write thank you notes and encourage my kids to do the same. I call often and encourage my husband to call his parents.

I would just like to be respected in my own home. If they prefer not to help, that would be fine, too. They can relax, which would be more helpful than “help.”

They are showing you both love & respect through their offers.

An “offer” is fine. An offer is asking—once—“would it be helpful if I cooked the meal so you didn’t have to to catering?” And then listen to and respect the answer.

An offer is asking—once—“What can I do to help today while you’re cooking Thanksgiving dinner.” And then listen to and respect the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am now a new MIL. I just bring wine 😄

Then your DIL will be on DCUM complaining that you drink too much or that you don’t bring the right wine. Honestly it seems like so many MILs just can’t win, at least that’s how this forum makes it seem. Look at OP- by her own account these are nice people and they have good relationships. Because they do this annoying thing, now she is dreading their trips? I’m just like, seriously? Everyone has annoying traits! Why would this lead to dreading their visits? No one is perfect. Just accept their annoying bits and love and appreciate the rest. The world would be a better place.

The world would be a better place if you didn’t leap to conclusions and make up fictitious what-if scenarios for every little thing, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Neither kind or generous, but rude, impolite, and aggressive.

Tell her no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you see a problem where one does not exist.

You fail to recognize the kindness and generosity of your relatives.

Kindness is listening to what would be helpful to someone else. Kindness is respecting someone else’s decision. Generosity is helping after you have first listened to and respected what someone else has said about what would be helpful to them.

Sure. But you fail to understand that this is a two way street. Your understanding/definition of kindness and generosity is too limited. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments.

OP here. I do of course say thank you all the time, invite them frequently, say yes to their invitations and to their requests to visit and FT, etc. I accommodate their food preferences, travel preferences, vacation preferences, etc., etc. When I am in their home, I ask how I can help and I listen and do what they ask of me without questioning them or pushing my own agenda. I write thank you notes and encourage my kids to do the same. I call often and encourage my husband to call his parents.

I would just like to be respected in my own home. If they prefer not to help, that would be fine, too. They can relax, which would be more helpful than “help.”

They are showing you both love & respect through their offers.

There is nothing respectful about being unwilling to take "no" for an answer. Respect is about recognizing the other person's autonomy, and consistently overriding that autonomy is not respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

Yep, this is what it is. They want everyone to comment about what a good cook they are.

I have a similar situation with a relative who is into crafts and every gift from them is some handmade item. Which is certainly nice of them and it’s the thought that counts, of course, but every item this person sends is made with colors that I have never used in my home. I’m convinced it’s just about this person wanting to comment on how talented they are with their crafts. This person has been to my home many times and has seen the colors I have everywhere but persists in giving me handmade items that clash with the colors of things I already have (and clearly love, because I use those colors throughout my home).

I used to put the things out anyway, but during Covid I decided I had the right to have my house look the way I want it to. I bundled up all the items and donated them so that someone who actually likes and enjoy those colors can get some pleasure from them. I feel so much better not having to look at these items that look so out of place in my home.

Just keep saying no, thank you to your mom OP, or ask her to make dessert. You have a good plan for your event and you have every right to stick with it.

[Anonymous]

People only offer the help they are capable of giving. Decline it.

[Anonymous]

I feel you so much on this. My mom was the same. Like you, I just wanted to be respected in my own home.

[Anonymous]

Do they read DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about helping you, it’s about them- she wants to showcase her cooking, she wants the event to be about her etc. it’s not about helping or making life easier for you.

Yep, this is what it is. They want everyone to comment about what a good cook they are.

I have a similar situation with a relative who is into crafts and every gift from them is some handmade item. Which is certainly nice of them and it’s the thought that counts, of course, but every item this person sends is made with colors that I have never used in my home. I’m convinced it’s just about this person wanting to comment on how talented they are with their crafts. This person has been to my home many times and has seen the colors I have everywhere but persists in giving me handmade items that clash with the colors of things I already have (and clearly love, because I use those colors throughout my home).

I used to put the things out anyway, but during Covid I decided I had the right to have my house look the way I want it to. I bundled up all the items and donated them so that someone who actually likes and enjoy those colors can get some pleasure from them. I feel so much better not having to look at these items that look so out of place in my home.

Just keep saying no, thank you to your mom OP, or ask her to make dessert. You have a good plan for your event and you have every right to stick with it.

These are the worst posters. The closet narcissists. Of course that's how you interpret their gifts and offers -- because you view them through your own narcissistic and frankly insane lens.

I hope you get nothing but store-bought crap and Hallmark cards from now on. Both the immediate PP and the one above. I also hope your jealousy doesn't poison others.