Reply to ‘Help’ that is not wanted is not help

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We live about 4 hours from ILs and about 8 hours from my parents. So we see them fairly regularly (we visit them or they visit us), go on vacations, spend holidays together, etc. Good relationships all around. DH and I both work outside the home, and we have two elementary-school daughters.

We just finished a visit with ILs and in about four weeks we have both sets of parents in town for a family event. I mentioned to my mom that we are getting catered Italian for the event (that we are hosting). It’s not fancy, but it’s defiantly good-quality, and it works well for allergy restrictions and other factors among all guests. (She asked what we are doing.)

She has taken it upon herself to “volunteer” to cook this family event meal, which is following a church service, so we won’t even be in the house beforehand. For numerous reasons, I don’t want this. S[b]he keeps saying oh it won’t be hard, we’ll do X and Y ahead of time, blah blah blah. I just keep saying no, and she’s pushing it.
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I love my parents and my ILs, but this is just one more thing in a long list of times that they never help with what I actually ask for (“would you please take the girls on a walk to the playground down the street while I fold laundry” or “would you please set the table while I finish dinner”), they all constantly make suggestions about how to “help” instead. It’s always something I don’t want them to do, something that wouldn’t truly be helpful to me, or something that they just prefer over the way I do things. It’s getting to the point where I dread their visits here.

I’m fine seeing them on vacation in their homes, but it’s like none of them know how to just go with the flow and let me live in my own house. “Help” that is not wanted is not help! I do try to involve them, I try to make their visits relaxing and pleasant, I just don’t understand why they can’t treat me like they would a peer. I highly doubt if one of their friends said they were ordering catering for an event that they’d try to take over. Ugh. Sorry, it’s just a vent. And I know it’s small potatoes.[/quote]

You need to be blunt - "Mom, I don't want to do X and Y ahead of time and I don't want our visit time taken up with you doing it either. I don't want to be stressed about food prep after we are leaving the Church. If you absolutely have to do something you can make an appetizer or dessert, but I'm catering the event. We are really excited to have you and I'd like to focus on other plans because the food is taken care of. Do you think we should get balloons or flowers for the tables?"

They are treating you this way because you can't say no and shut it down.[/quote]

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