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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.[/quote]

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought) 
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)[/quote]

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism. [/quote]

These type of excuses for rude, selfish and disrespectful behavior is exactly what women are told when mistreated in personal relationships and how they end up trapped with a mentally disordered spouse with kids.

Stop falling for it. No marriage material.[/quote]

So you think it’s better to randomly label behavior you dislike with the diagnosis du jour and declare that your spouse is mentally disordered as a way to explain everything?

OP may very well have good reason to leave her DH. She is clearly unhappy. But labeling any behavior she dislikes as “ADHD”
in an apparent bid to exuse herself from any role, is not going to lead to anything good. [/quote]

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