How to handle jealousy/loss of friends when kids makes a higher level team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re kids who felt disappointed and perhaps insecure about their own ability and they didn’t handle it gracefully. Hardly seems shocking or something that needs to be delicately explained to your son other than “they probably see a little jealous, like you felt when you didn’t get a part in the play.” And the idea that you’re rethinking whether people are kind at heart based on this is frankly nuts and makes me wonder whether your being overly sensitive.

I would use the word “disappointed” rather than “jealous”. Keeps the focus n the other kids’ likely feelings (not making the team or getting the cool opportunity). This helps your kid feel empathy. (“Yeah, I can see how it would be disappointing.)

Inserting the idea of “jealousy” complicates things because it focuses your kid on his experience as the victim/object of their feelings, which makes it harder to feel empathy. And that’s the key learning opportunity here. Their behavior may not be the nicest, but their feelings are completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

I understand completely, OP. My kid will never be the best scorer, but is very good at conducting, play calling, passing, blocking and defending.

I tend to see this attitude you’ve noticed with parents of scorers. Every team need scorers AND a good defense. If the elite team only has scorers, they will get crushed. I heard a parent ask a coach once why the kids that never scored goals made the A level team. Those kids were the defenders and the goalie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

We had the exact same scenario.

DS was on the local all-star/travel team. Did not get invited back after try-outs. Ended up making a higher B-level team.

You have to be careful with the hyper local all-star travel teams. Many of the coaches have other interests in play and don't take just the best 12.

The true travel teams that pull from all over is probably a better reflection of talent

[Anonymous]

I'd wait and see if the negativity is just the fleeting sting of jealousy. If they all go back to normal I'd let it go, but if they continue to behave negatively those are not real friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've never met people like that in music competitions or auditions, where children compete directly against each other for the top spots. Everyone always wishes the other kids luck, and congratulates whoever won or was admitted.

If the team families react that way, it's a sign you need to move up, OP. No use staying for that sort of atmosphere.

Welcome to soccer. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

I have a 17-year old and 14-year old and the advice my dad, a travel soccer coach, for two decades gave me: the other parents are not your friends. The stuff he saw throughout the years, oh boy. He always said 'coaching was great, except for the parents'.. He also said never 'downplay' or say something negative about your own child to the parents on the sidelines...they will use that and say it to the coach. Also, don't sit near the other parents at the games...you will hear all kinds of crap--bad mouthing other players on the team, idiotic commentary, etc. I actually sat in the 'away' section of a high school game last night. It is painful to hear parents on the team put down their kids' teammates, especially the ones that don't know jacksh*t about the sport. Daddy ball is real, but the cream will eventually rise to the top (which it sounds like is beginning to happen to your kid). This will confuse and anger the parents whose kids were on the "A team" since they were 7. Kids growth cycles, particularly boys, are a big deal. You will see physicality selected for and then you will see those kids are the same size in 8th grade that they are in 12th and the smaller players the parents badmouthed have no surpassed them.

I played at a very high competitive level and people really don't have any clue how ruthless and conniving other parents can be. Because of my dad, I was really raised with a 'no contact' the coach policy, don't give me thoughts, don't ask about playing time or placement, etc. My god, how things have changed. Even in high school you have the daddies buddy up to the coach and greasing the wheels. You can't let it get to you and here's the really big secret: All of that stuff that seemed negative and a setback and disturbing at the time always creates new and better opportunities. We have faced what you talk about, and each and every single time, my kids ended up with a better opportunity than if they had stayed or things were handed to them. It creates resiliency and grit.

Again, remember, your kids' teammates' parents are not your 'friends'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they have to be happy in their minds? Sounds like the parents might have said the right things but you didn't like their body language and think that reveals some hidden animosity. Just take the congrats as offered and move on even if you think they don't really mean it. These people are always going to feel more sad for their own kids than happy for yours.

They don’t have to be happy in their minds, and there was no congratulations. More like “oh”. Surprised, which makes me think that they think my kid is not worthy. My kids is not the best of the team, but like I said, they have a particular quality that is attractive to coaches. Some of kids were outwardly rude asking my kid why they were picked (and implying why not them). I was just surprised at the reactions, and it wasn’t everyone on the team, but I was always taught “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. My child’s feeling were hurt. I’m not asking them to be happy for my kid, and I get that jealously is a common reaction. I was more looking for ideas on how to explain it better to my child than “these people aren’t your real friends”. Maybe that’s the answer though as they clearly aren’t.

Sounds like you and your kid are both a bit insecure about being chased. If the talent is so unique, why don't the other parents recognize it? You can be a great pitcher but have a terrible batting average but other people don't wonder why that kid made the team. Just ignore the whatever it is you think needs to be said out loud, and focus on the future. Tell your kid they are probably just said they didn't make the team and don't know what to say. These kids are 12-13 and this is all likely going to change real fast for all of them depending on how puberty shakes out.

^ chosen not chased.

Maybe, yes. It did create an awkward dynamic to be sure.

This could very well be you and your kid on the other side of the equation next year. These kids are very young still and haven't matured physically or emotionally. Immature kids might have immature responses, so this shouldn't be terribly surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

I have a 17-year old and 14-year old and the advice my dad, a travel soccer coach, for two decades gave me: the other parents are not your friends. The stuff he saw throughout the years, oh boy. He always said 'coaching was great, except for the parents'.. He also said never 'downplay' or say something negative about your own child to the parents on the sidelines...they will use that and say it to the coach. Also, don't sit near the other parents at the games...you will hear all kinds of crap--bad mouthing other players on the team, idiotic commentary, etc. I actually sat in the 'away' section of a high school game last night. It is painful to hear parents on the team put down their kids' teammates, especially the ones that don't know jacksh*t about the sport. Daddy ball is real, but the cream will eventually rise to the top (which it sounds like is beginning to happen to your kid). This will confuse and anger the parents whose kids were on the "A team" since they were 7. Kids growth cycles, particularly boys, are a big deal. You will see physicality selected for and then you will see those kids are the same size in 8th grade that they are in 12th and the smaller players the parents badmouthed have no surpassed them.

I played at a very high competitive level and people really don't have any clue how ruthless and conniving other parents can be. Because of my dad, I was really raised with a 'no contact' the coach policy, don't give me thoughts, don't ask about playing time or placement, etc. My god, how things have changed. Even in high school you have the daddies buddy up to the coach and greasing the wheels. You can't let it get to you and here's the really big secret: All of that stuff that seemed negative and a setback and disturbing at the time always creates new and better opportunities. We have faced what you talk about, and each and every single time, my kids ended up with a better opportunity than if they had stayed or things were handed to them. It creates resiliency and grit.

Again, remember, your kids' teammates' parents are not your 'friends'.

+1

Excellent post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your son OP!

Not surprising the comments from teammates to your son. Based on what parents write on this board--apple likely does not fall far from the tree.

Sadly, this is so true. Kids learn from and repeat what they see and hear from the adults at home. 😢

Quick thoughts:

- No witty comebacks. That puts too much of a burden n your kid (context and tone are everything) and risks escalating things further I’d kids (or their parents ) misinterpret his intent.

- Try hard not to demonize or talk badly about the other kids, even if they’re being unsupportive or even unkind. They’re just kids, struggling to navigate a disappointing situation that they don’t fully understand (i.e. the coach’s criteria). Plus, as I sad above, some may be getting terrible guidance from their parents (bitter/wounded/jealous), so try not to think of them as “bad kids” - they’re just struggling with the situation.

- I think it’s too much to expect the other kids to be “happy” for him or to celebrate his achievements etc. That’s for his family to do - you’re always his best cheering squad. But his disappointed peers? Not at this age. Neutral and not mean should be enough - the have actual feelings about this, too, and asking them to be able to set those aside to be overtly happy for him right now is probably realistic and not age-appropriate.

- Fibally, gently remind your DS that this is a big part of life. Sometimes you get what you want n a situation and are thrilled. Sometimes you don’t and you are disappointed/frustrated/angry/sad. Life is full of both. The trick is to savor and enjoy the good situations and for the disappointing ones, to remember that it’s not the last chance or opportunity to be happy. Feel the feelings, and then move on.

I generally agree. No witty comebacks needed, but after time, if the comments keep coming, its ok for OP's kid to stand up for themselves.

Not aggressive. Not belittling.

But when someone says "I can't believe you made the team of Billy." or "It totally should have been me"

OP's son can calmly say "Maybe, but coach disagrees with you"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never ever make friends with your kid’s friends or teammates parents. Ever

6+ years of travel baseball and, sadly, this is our family rule. Played on a team from 8u to 12u with mostly the same families. As some kids improved and others plateaued, the "friendships" became increasingly strained. Soon came the lying and manipulation. We've transitioned to a new team now, but the above is pretty much my policy now. Just burned too many times. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Your kid should not say anything to any other kids about it other than to answer direct questions. If will blow over in a day or two.

[Anonymous]

And now you have learned that sports “friends” aren’t actually friends.

Those people were “nice” to you bc they thought their kids were better than yours, now they see that isn’t the case, so they won’t be nice anymore.

It works like this….if your kid is great, everyone will shit on him and you, unless they want something from you (like help making their kid better; getting their kid on a better team). If your kid is crap, everyone pretends to be nice to you while making fun of your kid behind your back.

[Anonymous]

And now you have learned that sports “friends” aren’t actually friends.

Those people were “nice” to you bc they thought their kids were better than yours, now they see that isn’t the case, so they won’t be nice anymore.

It works like this….if your kid is great, everyone will shit on him and you, unless they want something from you (like help making their kid better; getting their kid on a better team). If your kid is crap, everyone pretends to be nice to you while making fun of your kid behind your back.

I mean yes, it is a terrible dynamic, but you are portraying it as if there is something wrong with the people vs. the system. If, at your workplace, you knew that some people would get a promotion each year and some would get a demotion, and you were constantly competing against your coworkers to move up vs down, I am betting things would not be too friendly there either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

I have a 17-year old and 14-year old and the advice my dad, a travel soccer coach, for two decades gave me: the other parents are not your friends. The stuff he saw throughout the years, oh boy. He always said 'coaching was great, except for the parents'.. He also said never 'downplay' or say something negative about your own child to the parents on the sidelines...they will use that and say it to the coach. Also, don't sit near the other parents at the games...you will hear all kinds of crap--bad mouthing other players on the team, idiotic commentary, etc. I actually sat in the 'away' section of a high school game last night. It is painful to hear parents on the team put down their kids' teammates, especially the ones that don't know jacksh*t about the sport. Daddy ball is real, but the cream will eventually rise to the top (which it sounds like is beginning to happen to your kid). This will confuse and anger the parents whose kids were on the "A team" since they were 7. Kids growth cycles, particularly boys, are a big deal. You will see physicality selected for and then you will see those kids are the same size in 8th grade that they are in 12th and the smaller players the parents badmouthed have no surpassed them.

I played at a very high competitive level and people really don't have any clue how ruthless and conniving other parents can be. Because of my dad, I was really raised with a 'no contact' the coach policy, don't give me thoughts, don't ask about playing time or placement, etc. My god, how things have changed. Even in high school you have the daddies buddy up to the coach and greasing the wheels. You can't let it get to you and here's the really big secret: All of that stuff that seemed negative and a setback and disturbing at the time always creates new and better opportunities. We have faced what you talk about, and each and every single time, my kids ended up with a better opportunity than if they had stayed or things were handed to them. It creates resiliency and grit.

Again, remember, your kids' teammates' parents are not your 'friends'.

+1

Excellent post.

Thank you. I'm the original PP and wish someone gave me this advice a long time ago. On the new team, since we're outsiders, this is our new normal and I'll just keep it going rather than try to make friends with the parents. I will say that two moms from our old team are going to be friends for life! They are both older moms who played a different sport in college themselves. Neither of them are in the 'in crowd' in the kid's sport (it's definitely a dad thing, not a mom thing) so we can laugh and complain occasionally, but we have a lot of common ground outside of our kids, too. The dynamic with the rest of the team was never particularly healthy, and I'm happy to move on.

[Anonymous]

That's bad sportsmanship. That should've been learned and discussed by the coach and parents early on.