How to handle jealousy/loss of friends when kids makes a higher level team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've never met people like that in music competitions or auditions, where children compete directly against each other for the top spots. Everyone always wishes the other kids luck, and congratulates whoever won or was admitted.

If the team families react that way, it's a sign you need to move up, OP. No use staying for that sort of atmosphere.

This sounds so refreshing and like they will turn out to be great adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, I hate this. And so many parents (especially Dads) feed into it.

It's this attitude in young athletes that any setback or loss could not be a result of their play, but because:

- the refs missed a call
- coaches are stupid
- Daddyball.

No, sorry. These other kids couldn't bring the same value to the team as your son. That's it. That's the reason.

Its ok for your son to be proud of the fact that he made the team. No need to brag or be showy, but also no need to downplay it either.

You are very right about this. Bad call, etc. I do think the dads are more invested than the kids. My kid is not a bragger at all, but doesn’t know how to respond when someone says something negative vs positive. What’s a script I can give them when a teammate says x is better than you, they should’ve made the team instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they have to be happy in their minds? Sounds like the parents might have said the right things but you didn't like their body language and think that reveals some hidden animosity. Just take the congrats as offered and move on even if you think they don't really mean it. These people are always going to feel more sad for their own kids than happy for yours.

They don’t have to be happy in their minds, and there was no congratulations. More like “oh”. Surprised, which makes me think that they think my kid is not worthy. My kids is not the best of the team, but like I said, they have a particular quality that is attractive to coaches. Some of kids were outwardly rude asking my kid why they were picked (and implying why not them). I was just surprised at the reactions, and it wasn’t everyone on the team, but I was always taught “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. My child’s feeling were hurt. I’m not asking them to be happy for my kid, and I get that jealously is a common reaction. I was more looking for ideas on how to explain it better to my child than “these people aren’t your real friends”. Maybe that’s the answer though as they clearly aren’t.

Sounds like you and your kid are both a bit insecure about being chased. If the talent is so unique, why don't the other parents recognize it? You can be a great pitcher but have a terrible batting average but other people don't wonder why that kid made the team. Just ignore the whatever it is you think needs to be said out loud, and focus on the future. Tell your kid they are probably just said they didn't make the team and don't know what to say. These kids are 12-13 and this is all likely going to change real fast for all of them depending on how puberty shakes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they have to be happy in their minds? Sounds like the parents might have said the right things but you didn't like their body language and think that reveals some hidden animosity. Just take the congrats as offered and move on even if you think they don't really mean it. These people are always going to feel more sad for their own kids than happy for yours.

They don’t have to be happy in their minds, and there was no congratulations. More like “oh”. Surprised, which makes me think that they think my kid is not worthy. My kids is not the best of the team, but like I said, they have a particular quality that is attractive to coaches. Some of kids were outwardly rude asking my kid why they were picked (and implying why not them). I was just surprised at the reactions, and it wasn’t everyone on the team, but I was always taught “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. My child’s feeling were hurt. I’m not asking them to be happy for my kid, and I get that jealously is a common reaction. I was more looking for ideas on how to explain it better to my child than “these people aren’t your real friends”. Maybe that’s the answer though as they clearly aren’t.

Sounds like you and your kid are both a bit insecure about being chased. If the talent is so unique, why don't the other parents recognize it? You can be a great pitcher but have a terrible batting average but other people don't wonder why that kid made the team. Just ignore the whatever it is you think needs to be said out loud, and focus on the future. Tell your kid they are probably just said they didn't make the team and don't know what to say. These kids are 12-13 and this is all likely going to change real fast for all of them depending on how puberty shakes out.

^ chosen not chased.

[Anonymous]

Sports parents and particularly the dads can be major a-holes. Cliquey bros who are nice to you when you are part of the crowd but not nice people.

So now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

m
This must really hurt. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they have to be happy in their minds? Sounds like the parents might have said the right things but you didn't like their body language and think that reveals some hidden animosity. Just take the congrats as offered and move on even if you think they don't really mean it. These people are always going to feel more sad for their own kids than happy for yours.

They don’t have to be happy in their minds, and there was no congratulations. More like “oh”. Surprised, which makes me think that they think my kid is not worthy. My kids is not the best of the team, but like I said, they have a particular quality that is attractive to coaches. Some of kids were outwardly rude asking my kid why they were picked (and implying why not them). I was just surprised at the reactions, and it wasn’t everyone on the team, but I was always taught “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. My child’s feeling were hurt. I’m not asking them to be happy for my kid, and I get that jealously is a common reaction. I was more looking for ideas on how to explain it better to my child than “these people aren’t your real friends”. Maybe that’s the answer though as they clearly aren’t.

Sounds like you and your kid are both a bit insecure about being chased. If the talent is so unique, why don't the other parents recognize it? You can be a great pitcher but have a terrible batting average but other people don't wonder why that kid made the team. Just ignore the whatever it is you think needs to be said out loud, and focus on the future. Tell your kid they are probably just said they didn't make the team and don't know what to say. These kids are 12-13 and this is all likely going to change real fast for all of them depending on how puberty shakes out.

^ chosen not chased.

Maybe, yes. It did create an awkward dynamic to be sure.

[Anonymous]

Congrats to your son! You ignore the comments and tell your son to do the same if asked.

A word of advice, don’t stay on the rec team. It rarely ends well. The travel team will have to take priority and there are bound to be conflicts. It’s not fair to the rec players when you miss games because of the tournaments for the other team.

We have been on both sides of this. My kids have been disappointed when others do this and then they don’t have enough to field a game and need to forfeit. The rec game is the sport they are looking forward to all week.

Once I agreed to let my own kid play on two teams thinking it would be minimal conflicts. It didn’t turn out well.

Hang out with the friends outside of sports, find new friends or turn down the travel team if playing with friends is that important.

[Anonymous]

These are transient, sports-based relationships that shift over time as the makeup of teams change. Put what these people are think of your child's selection for the other team behind you and move forward with your own life.

[Anonymous]

I was more looking for ideas on how to explain it better to my child than “these people aren’t your real friends”. Maybe that’s the answer though as they clearly aren’t.

They're not. They're kids on the same tryout-based sports team, per your prior posts. And if your kid is 12 or 13, they know that already.

[Anonymous]

Never ever make friends with your kid’s friends or teammates parents. Ever

[Anonymous]

They’re kids who felt disappointed and perhaps insecure about their own ability and they didn’t handle it gracefully. Hardly seems shocking or something that needs to be delicately explained to your son other than “they probably see a little jealous, like you felt when you didn’t get a part in the play.” And the idea that you’re rethinking whether people are kind at heart based on this is frankly nuts and makes me wonder whether your being overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your son OP!

Not surprising the comments from teammates to your son. Based on what parents write on this board--apple likely does not fall far from the tree.

Sadly, this is so true. Kids learn from and repeat what they see and hear from the adults at home. 😢

Quick thoughts:

- No witty comebacks. That puts too much of a burden n your kid (context and tone are everything) and risks escalating things further I’d kids (or their parents ) misinterpret his intent.

- Try hard not to demonize or talk badly about the other kids, even if they’re being unsupportive or even unkind. They’re just kids, struggling to navigate a disappointing situation that they don’t fully understand (i.e. the coach’s criteria). Plus, as I sad above, some may be getting terrible guidance from their parents (bitter/wounded/jealous), so try not to think of them as “bad kids” - they’re just struggling with the situation.

- I think it’s too much to expect the other kids to be “happy” for him or to celebrate his achievements etc. That’s for his family to do - you’re always his best cheering squad. But his disappointed peers? Not at this age. Neutral and not mean should be enough - the have actual feelings about this, too, and asking them to be able to set those aside to be overtly happy for him right now is probably realistic and not age-appropriate.

- Fibally, gently remind your DS that this is a big part of life. Sometimes you get what you want n a situation and are thrilled. Sometimes you don’t and you are disappointed/frustrated/angry/sad. Life is full of both. The trick is to savor and enjoy the good situations and for the disappointing ones, to remember that it’s not the last chance or opportunity to be happy. Feel the feelings, and then move on.