How to handle jealousy/loss of friends when kids makes a higher level team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And now you have learned that sports “friends” aren’t actually friends.

Those people were “nice” to you bc they thought their kids were better than yours, now they see that isn’t the case, so they won’t be nice anymore.

It works like this….if your kid is great, everyone will shit on him and you, unless they want something from you (like help making their kid better; getting their kid on a better team). If your kid is crap, everyone pretends to be nice to you while making fun of your kid behind your back.

I mean yes, it is a terrible dynamic, but you are portraying it as if there is something wrong with the people vs. the system. If, at your workplace, you knew that some people would get a promotion each year and some would get a demotion, and you were constantly competing against your coworkers to move up vs down, I am betting things would not be too friendly there either.

Yeah, but mom and dad aren’t the ones bad mouthing my co-workers and talking sh@t behind their backs to the boss. Lol. You see why it’s shitty when parents get too caught up in it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been on both sides of this situation. It's hard in both. This year, DS didn't make our local team, but made a travel team that competes in a higher division. The dynamic is pretty weird and we just try to encourage him to stay friends with his former teammates as you never know what next year will bring, although some of them no longer want to train with him in some semiprivates that we've done in past years.

This is so sad. Do they think of him as a “traitor” or something? They hate the other team because they are rivals?

Unclear. The new team isn't exactly a rival of the old team because they compete in a higher division, and he didn't even make the old local team that his friends made (though he was invited back for a supplemental tryout and promised a spot after he had already accepted a spot on the new team). It created a weird dynamic among friends, and I have a hard time not blaming the local coach for splitting up a group of kids that have played together for a long time - he cut a kid who isn't objectively worse than the kids he brought up and in fact proved to be at least subjectively better because he's the only one that moved up a level. New team is better for development, but at this age, the social aspects are more important than anything to DS. Great to make new friends, but sad to be separated from old ones who also don't want to train with him any more because they're no longer on the same team or line or however their parents justify cutting him from their training group....

I have a 17-year old and 14-year old and the advice my dad, a travel soccer coach, for two decades gave me: the other parents are not your friends. The stuff he saw throughout the years, oh boy. He always said 'coaching was great, except for the parents'.. He also said never 'downplay' or say something negative about your own child to the parents on the sidelines...they will use that and say it to the coach. Also, don't sit near the other parents at the games...you will hear all kinds of crap--bad mouthing other players on the team, idiotic commentary, etc. I actually sat in the 'away' section of a high school game last night. It is painful to hear parents on the team put down their kids' teammates, especially the ones that don't know jacksh*t about the sport. Daddy ball is real, but the cream will eventually rise to the top (which it sounds like is beginning to happen to your kid). This will confuse and anger the parents whose kids were on the "A team" since they were 7. Kids growth cycles, particularly boys, are a big deal. You will see physicality selected for and then you will see those kids are the same size in 8th grade that they are in 12th and the smaller players the parents badmouthed have no surpassed them.

I played at a very high competitive level and people really don't have any clue how ruthless and conniving other parents can be. Because of my dad, I was really raised with a 'no contact' the coach policy, don't give me thoughts, don't ask about playing time or placement, etc. My god, how things have changed. Even in high school you have the daddies buddy up to the coach and greasing the wheels. You can't let it get to you and here's the really big secret: All of that stuff that seemed negative and a setback and disturbing at the time always creates new and better opportunities. We have faced what you talk about, and each and every single time, my kids ended up with a better opportunity than if they had stayed or things were handed to them. It creates resiliency and grit.

Again, remember, your kids' teammates' parents are not your 'friends'.

+1

Excellent post.

Thank you. I'm the original PP and wish someone gave me this advice a long time ago. On the new team, since we're outsiders, this is our new normal and I'll just keep it going rather than try to make friends with the parents. I will say that two moms from our old team are going to be friends for life! They are both older moms who played a different sport in college themselves. Neither of them are in the 'in crowd' in the kid's sport (it's definitely a dad thing, not a mom thing) so we can laugh and complain occasionally, but we have a lot of common ground outside of our kids, too. The dynamic with the rest of the team was never particularly healthy, and I'm happy to move on.

Glad it helped. Btw, I still break my own rules occasionally . I’m outgoing and approachable so people chat me up a lot and I find I’m kicking myself later when I realize they are trying to get done kind of intel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re kids who felt disappointed and perhaps insecure about their own ability and they didn’t handle it gracefully. Hardly seems shocking or something that needs to be delicately explained to your son other than “they probably see a little jealous, like you felt when you didn’t get a part in the play.” And the idea that you’re rethinking whether people are kind at heart based on this is frankly nuts and makes me wonder whether your being overly sensitive.

I would use the word “disappointed” rather than “jealous”. Keeps the focus n the other kids’ likely feelings (not making the team or getting the cool opportunity). This helps your kid feel empathy. (“Yeah, I can see how it would be disappointing.)

Inserting the idea of “jealousy” complicates things because it focuses your kid on his experience as the victim/object of their feelings, which makes it harder to feel empathy. And that’s the key learning opportunity here. Their behavior may not be the nicest, but their feelings are completely understandable.

+1

[Anonymous]

I mean yes, it is a terrible dynamic, but you are portraying it as if there is something wrong with the people vs. the system. If, at your workplace, you knew that some people would get a promotion each year and some would get a demotion, and you were constantly competing against your coworkers to move up vs down, I am betting things would not be too friendly there either.


Yeah, but mom and dad aren’t the ones bad mouthing my co-workers and talking sh@t behind their backs to the boss. Lol. You see why it’s shitty when parents get too caught up in it?

It's shitty when anyone gets caught up in it, but at the end of the day, when you have something that is supposed to be highly competitive and involves little kids, with shifting ups and down, it's not going to go well or be friendly and pleasant. My daughter's the sporty one, but my son is a highly competitive chess player, and it's the same competitive nonsense, only there is no "boss" to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats to your son OP!

Not surprising the comments from teammates to your son. Based on what parents write on this board--apple likely does not fall far from the tree.

+1

This, OP.

Your son already knows, at his young age, that everyone can't have everything all the time.

You don't have to hold anyone's hand.

Congratulations to your son!

BTW, this is. preview of college, too........