Do divorced parents suddenly have a lot of solo time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

So why don’t you hire a babysitter to come every Thursday night? Or swap play dates with friends so one mom watches your kid every Thursday and you watch their kid every Tuesday? This isn’t that hard.

It’s actually a lot to ask someone to pick your kids up from daycare and school, feed them dinner, help with homework, and get them ready for bed. I’ve asked friends to do this in an emergency, and I’ve done it in an emergency, but I don’t know anyone who does this regularly just to give themselves and their friends a break. Do you?

I have a child with profound special needs. I have had this type of help almost every single day for 13 years. My current Monday, Wednesday, Friday sitter has been with us six years of so in various capacities — while in college, then occasional weekends when she graduated and now three days a week since she has left her job and gone back to grad school. I definitely know people that have after school help a couple of days a week with neurotypical kids. I’m surprised you don’t know anyone that does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

So why don’t you hire a babysitter to come every Thursday night? Or swap play dates with friends so one mom watches your kid every Thursday and you watch their kid every Tuesday? This isn’t that hard.

I also know a lot of kids who do this. The key is paying them. Friends and family willndonit occasionally to help you out but no one in their right mind besides a grandparent would agree to do it for no pay.

It’s actually a lot to ask someone to pick your kids up from daycare and school, feed them dinner, help with homework, and get them ready for bed. I’ve asked friends to do this in an emergency, and I’ve done it in an emergency, but I don’t know anyone who does this regularly just to give themselves and their friends a break. Do you?

I have a child with profound special needs. I have had this type of help almost every single day for 13 years. My current Monday, Wednesday, Friday sitter has been with us six years of so in various capacities — while in college, then occasional weekends when she graduated and now three days a week since she has left her job and gone back to grad school. I definitely know people that have after school help a couple of days a week with neurotypical kids. I’m surprised you don’t know anyone that does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

So why don’t you hire a babysitter to come every Thursday night? Or swap play dates with friends so one mom watches your kid every Thursday and you watch their kid every Tuesday? This isn’t that hard.

It’s actually a lot to ask someone to pick your kids up from daycare and school, feed them dinner, help with homework, and get them ready for bed. I’ve asked friends to do this in an emergency, and I’ve done it in an emergency, but I don’t know anyone who does this regularly just to give themselves and their friends a break. Do you?

I have a child with profound special needs. I have had this type of help almost every single day for 13 years. My current Monday, Wednesday, Friday sitter has been with us six years of so in various capacities — while in college, then occasional weekends when she graduated and now three days a week since she has left her job and gone back to grad school. I definitely know people that have after school help a couple of days a week with neurotypical kids. I’m surprised you don’t know anyone that does this.

I don’t know. I have had sitters and au pairs who have worked evenings when I was working evenings and DH was flying out of state for work, and I have hired sitters to take the kids for the weekend while DH and I went out of town. But I haven’t been able to do it regularly with DH home. The hours are inconvenient, and if people feel like you don’t really *need* them because, you know, half the time my husband is also there, they quit or ask for differen hours.

I think DH also has high expectations of them and expects them to take care of the kids and house the way that I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm divorced (this year) and have 50/50.

I don't feel like I have tons of free time. I'm still mom 100% of the time (and dad is dad 100%). I'm pretty busy even when dc is with dad. I have a full time job, aging parents and adult dc that I do things with/for.

I feel like I have more time with my dc when they are with me, because I don't have to deal with the manchild exdh. Dc and I are free to do things we enjoy.

It's their dad's weekend this weekend and today I am taking my mom to run errands and going to fill sandbags due to Ian (I live in FL). No hair appts or dating here LOL.

I think it sounds nice to be able to spend an afternoon focusing on your mom and then going to volunteer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm divorced (this year) and have 50/50.

I don't feel like I have tons of free time. I'm still mom 100% of the time (and dad is dad 100%). I'm pretty busy even when dc is with dad. I have a full time job, aging parents and adult dc that I do things with/for.

I feel like I have more time with my dc when they are with me, because I don't have to deal with the manchild exdh. Dc and I are free to do things we enjoy.

It's their dad's weekend this weekend and today I am taking my mom to run errands and going to fill sandbags due to Ian (I live in FL). No hair appts or dating here LOL.

I think it sounds nice to be able to spend an afternoon focusing on your mom and then going to volunteer.

PP here-it was more like, got in line at the sandbag place and filled-and carried- them myself (not mom's fault, she is recovering from a broken hip), then trailed behind her at Publix with the cart while reminding her repeatedly to 'hold your walker!' while hoping the other insane people freaking over Ian didn't run her down-they didn't LOL

I'm looking very forward to next weekend when (depending on the storm) dc and I are going to the zoo and possibly minigolf.

[Anonymous]

Yes! It was fun (and also sad) to be solo every other week. I was able to go out, travel, just have quiet alone time. But then I met DH and we have two more kids now... What was I thinking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm divorced (this year) and have 50/50.

I don't feel like I have tons of free time. I'm still mom 100% of the time (and dad is dad 100%). I'm pretty busy even when dc is with dad. I have a full time job, aging parents and adult dc that I do things with/for.

I feel like I have more time with my dc when they are with me, because I don't have to deal with the manchild exdh. Dc and I are free to do things we enjoy.

It's their dad's weekend this weekend and today I am taking my mom to run errands and going to fill sandbags due to Ian (I live in FL). No hair appts or dating here LOL.

I think it sounds nice to be able to spend an afternoon focusing on your mom and then going to volunteer.

If you're married to someone who, when an hurricane is bearing down, refuses to either go fill the sandbags, or watch your elderly mother while you grocery shop for her or your family, or watch the kids so you can go grocery shopping with your elderly mom? Then yes, you should get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

You can do that if you have a good spouse/family help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm divorced (this year) and have 50/50.

I don't feel like I have tons of free time. I'm still mom 100% of the time (and dad is dad 100%). I'm pretty busy even when dc is with dad. I have a full time job, aging parents and adult dc that I do things with/for.

I feel like I have more time with my dc when they are with me, because I don't have to deal with the manchild exdh. Dc and I are free to do things we enjoy.

It's their dad's weekend this weekend and today I am taking my mom to run errands and going to fill sandbags due to Ian (I live in FL). No hair appts or dating here LOL.

I think it sounds nice to be able to spend an afternoon focusing on your mom and then going to volunteer.

If you're married to someone who, when an hurricane is bearing down, refuses to either go fill the sandbags, or watch your elderly mother while you grocery shop for her or your family, or watch the kids so you can go grocery shopping with your elderly mom? Then yes, you should get a divorce.

I'm the sandbag-filling divorced PP-I did not post this. I don't give out marriage or divorce advice, since clearly I stink at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it’s amazing frankly. My ex only has 30%. - so I get every other weekend to be a sex goddess with my boyfriend and a mom the rest of the time. Getting rid of my ex was like losing a 4th and 5th child, work wise.

Yes, these responses surprise me frankly. I only know 4-5 (ex)couples well enough that I know their custody schedules, but in all cases, the mom (and in some cases, the dad) have much more solo time. It's obviously not all good because they miss their kids and have little control or input during their "off" weeks, but all of them have WAY more free time and don't pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to fantasize that if we ever divorced, my husband would have to do some of the parenting and I’d finally get breaks. He moved out two years ago and hasn’t taken the kids for even one night. We’re just starting to negotiate a divorce agreement and I asked what kind of custody he was looking for. He said he’s not looking to formalize any particular amount of time or days of the week. I’m so glad I’m not missing out on any time with my kids, but it breaks my heart that he doesn’t want time with them and they know it. My days of wanting a break are over. They’re teens now. In a few years they’ll be off to college. I’ll have a ton of free time then.

I could have written this. Very similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

So, why don't you just...do that?

I do a competitive sport and one of the days on which I practice is Thursdays, so every Thursday I work until it's time to leave and then I go do my sport and when I come home the kids are already asleep.

My husband doesn't have a regular thing he does like this but he does go to dinner once a month with a group of friends so he basically works until he leaves and then gets home when we're all asleep.

So, plan some time that you have that's for you. Pick a day during the week and have your husband do 100% of the kid stuff that day. Then you give him a day for the same.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes. We share 50/50 and I have definitely been able to create a life for myself that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

So why don’t you hire a babysitter to come every Thursday night? Or swap play dates with friends so one mom watches your kid every Thursday and you watch their kid every Tuesday? This isn’t that hard.

It’s actually a lot to ask someone to pick your kids up from daycare and school, feed them dinner, help with homework, and get them ready for bed. I’ve asked friends to do this in an emergency, and I’ve done it in an emergency, but I don’t know anyone who does this regularly just to give themselves and their friends a break. Do you?

Our neighborhood friends do a rotating night where one set of parents take all the kids and the other parents go out and do stuff (either with people in the group or with just their spouse). It's once a month and you only have to have the kids one time and the rest of the time they're with someone else. The kids eat easy dinners and they all play together and have a blast.

Also, you mention daycare, which is a different ballgame, but picking a kid up, feeding them dinner, helping them with homework, and getting them into their pajamas isn't very hard when your kids are in elementary school. For one thing, how much harder is it to feed an additional kid or even two? For another, when they're in elementary school, how much homework could they possibly have? I'm not talking about special projects, I'm talking run of the mill Tuesday night homework. And getting them ready for bed isn't hard when the kids change into their pajamas and then they go home afterwards. And bonus, your kids have a friend to play with so you'll have some alone time that evening while they're with their friend! Maybe I live with a bunch of unicorn families and children, but taking on an extra kid or two isn't a huge ordeal. And my husband and I both work full-time and we don't have a nanny anymore now that our twins are in third grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.

Cant you just let you let spouse know you want this time?

Of course he knows. This is probably our biggest fight. If you really boil it down, it’s probably the underlying cause of 90% of our arguments.

He will get the kids if he is done with work, but he can never guarantee it. I would say that he is done before daycare closes 30-50% of the time, and it’s completely random. He doesn’t usually let me know until a few minutes before he leaves. I don’t think he knows what it’s like to never have that flexibility.

What does he do? And what do you do that you are ALWAYS able to get the kids? My husband and I talked and I said that our jobs are equally as important and that on the days he's responsible for picking the kids up, he needs to make it work. If that means rescheduling a call or hanging up early, then that's what he has to do. There is no reason why I should be the one to always have to do it. (I'm a lawyer, he's an engineer, for what that's worth, so both jobs we now do from home, and we make about the same salary).

Make him make it work. I mean, if he's in surgery he can't very well leave the patient on the table because daycare is closing, but I'm very curious as to what his job is that he can't guarantee when he's done with work. Spoiler alert - we're never done with work! There is always more work to do. But sometimes you have to stop doing work to pick up your kids and then figure out when you're going to finish the work at another time.