Do divorced parents suddenly have a lot of solo time?

[Anonymous]

There are so many threads on here about women who do most of the childcare, and most of the mental load. When people get divorced now they often do 50/50 custody, right? If you go to 50/50, do you suddenly have a lot of solo time? I don’t want to get divorced but I do wonder if we should do a divorce custody schedule every so often for a few weeks so we both get solo time. But I also can’t imagine having the kids alone for a week more than a few times.

[Anonymous]

How would that work if you all live in one house? Would you travel half the time? To me, a perk of being married is being able to tag team childcare, pickups, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well for my neighbor she has way more free time than she did previously. The kids go with their dad for 3 days every week. He has 50% custody.

The problem is just as when they were married he doesn't consistently pick them up during his time. So on the weeks he claims he is busy or work is more important she gets absolutely no break. She is documenting the times he flakes so that she can adjust the custody and child support. Child support is based on nights spent at the other parents home. While she was married she could leave the kids home with him even if he wasn't closely monitoring them.

No reason to stay or leave just an experience.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and we've never done 50/50 custody. But even when the kids are gone for the weekend, I don't feel like I have a lot of free time bc I'm so focused on getting things done that are easier to do without kids underfoot. If I get to take a bath or dance around blasting music for 20 minutes, I consider that a win.

[Anonymous]

Yes but there is a whole other level of stress added on when you have the children and especially if you have an ex that is flaky.

[Anonymous]

I used to fantasize that if we ever divorced, my husband would have to do some of the parenting and I’d finally get breaks. He moved out two years ago and hasn’t taken the kids for even one night. We’re just starting to negotiate a divorce agreement and I asked what kind of custody he was looking for. He said he’s not looking to formalize any particular amount of time or days of the week. I’m so glad I’m not missing out on any time with my kids, but it breaks my heart that he doesn’t want time with them and they know it. My days of wanting a break are over. They’re teens now. In a few years they’ll be off to college. I’ll have a ton of free time then.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't work like that. The change is you don't have a man baby creating more problems, drama, dirty laundry, dishes, etc. But "free time"? No. When Dc #1 gets sick in the middle of the night, the whole household is going to the ER or the CVS or whatever. There is no break. Until/unless dad has visitation, then you might get 48 hours or whatever to relax. Which is nice. When they are with their father they are REALLY with their father. No more of this, "I took her shopping at Home Depot with me yesterday, I'm off duty for the rest of the weekend".

Then you have a whole new set of problems, like, is he feeding them timely, did he give them their medication, did he make them brush their teeth? Is he watching them when he takes them to the football party (because heaven forbid he spend time alone with his kids).

Just saying you don't get divorced for the "free time".

[Anonymous]

I got me time every Wednesday when the kids were young.

I came home after bedtime.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced, have 50/50 custody, but still do 100% of the mental load where our kids are concerned... Also the added load of managing a contentious relationship and dealing with my kids issues related to the divorce. And the days that he has the kids I feel horribly sad and empty.

Not sure what a divorce custody schedule would look like for a married couple or why you would want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to fantasize that if we ever divorced, my husband would have to do some of the parenting and I’d finally get breaks. He moved out two years ago and hasn’t taken the kids for even one night. We’re just starting to negotiate a divorce agreement and I asked what kind of custody he was looking for. He said he’s not looking to formalize any particular amount of time or days of the week. I’m so glad I’m not missing out on any time with my kids, but it breaks my heart that he doesn’t want time with them and they know it. My days of wanting a break are over. They’re teens now. In a few years they’ll be off to college. I’ll have a ton of free time then.

Yep, me too. I now do 100% of everything but without the extra man child to account for. He has never taken them overnight except for once when I was out of town for work for two nights. I have zero free time and am going insane, but I was when we lived together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads on here about women who do most of the childcare, and most of the mental load. When people get divorced now they often do 50/50 custody, right? If you go to 50/50, do you suddenly have a lot of solo time? I don’t want to get divorced but I do wonder if we should do a divorce custody schedule every so often for a few weeks so we both get solo time. But I also can’t imagine having the kids alone for a week more than a few times.

You can't imagine taking care of your kids alone? Why?

[Anonymous]

It's not a lot of solo time. I have to flex my hours and work extra time when I don't have kids, to free up time to do everything that needs to be done when I do have them. It will be easier when they're both in the same school as each other, but right now the commute is pretty time-consuming to alone.

Really, really, really think through the logistics before you tell yourself you'll have more free time. Even if your husband is awful.

[Anonymous]

Some fathers ask for 50/50 but then don't take the kids for that much. It's so they can try to get out of paying child support. My neighbor has 50/50 but her ex only takes the kids when it's convenient for him. Last month, I ended up babysitting because she had made a doctor's appointment when the kids were supposed to be with their dad. He called and said he had to go out of town for work and stuck her with the kids. She said he really only has them about 20% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Yes and it makes dating easier/possible.

[Anonymous]

I’m married, but I would love to be a little bit divorced as far as custody. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just know, say, that you have every Wednesday and Thursday evening free? You could schedule haircuts or take meetings late or go to happy hour or plan to get things done and know there was a time available to do it.

Divorce is hard, and I don’t envy anyone who has gone through it, but I would love to have regular, predictable, uninterrupted time away from my children.