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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree with 2:46.  You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat.  I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.[/quote]

I don’t consider myself a doormat.  This is out of the ordinary for her.  I [b]have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week.[/b]  I can understand her frustration.  I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation. [/quote]

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?[/quote]

This is a pretty cruel comment.  It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me.  I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER.  I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die.  The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die.  This isn’t easy for anyone.  I truly hope you never have to experience this. [/quote]

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them [b]a day[/b] with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job. [/quote]

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady.  Get a grip.  Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick.  She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother.  She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare.  Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom.  It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone.  OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home.  That seems like she’s pretty hands on.  She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person).  OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

[i]I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text[/i].  She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions.  If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move.  Right?  Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions? [/quote]

What else do I think OP should do? She  should be responsible for her mother’s care when she is her mothers caregiver. Very low bar. That means knowing where the medicine is— someone who says she does as much care as OP does knows where the Zofran is.

I think she should stop drawing false equivalences. This isn’t as hard on her as it is on her sister. It isn’t as hard on her children as it is on her sister’s children. Yes her sister could move out, but I bet spending her dying months with young grandchildren who will probably have very few memories of her is important to her mom. It is extremely hard to balance giving your dying parent that amazing gift and shielding your children from the horrible side, and OP clearly doesn’t care about those kids.[/quote]

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