Paying for parents to stay locally

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I have similar parents. It’s an UMC WASP thing. My parents act like we are loaded, but they have millions in investments and haven’t worked in 15+ years. Whenever they visit we have to cook and clean nonstop while they sit there and watch.

Problem is I sense you don’t want your parents around. I’m the same way and have figured out I don’t really like my parents. I love them, but don’t like them. Their presence in my house bothers me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want them to come to your DH's graduation and pay for an AirBNB? I would be incredibly hurt if I were them and probably wouldn't come. Sorry, they are your parents. Figure out a way to work somewhere else in the house when they visit or ask them to limit the time they come on the week days. Why do you feel the need to host when they are there? I'm sure they would rather you be honest with them about not having the time/energy to host them instead of getting relegated to an AirBNB.

OP here. I feel the need to host because there's never a dinner plan, everyone always asks me "what's for dinner?" so I was responsible for all the grocery buying, meal planning, no offer for help while my husband works long hours. It was upsetting to me how little they helped.

Is this on the trip where they babysat your child every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. I have similar parents. It’s an UMC WASP thing. My parents act like we are loaded, but they have millions in investments and haven’t worked in 15+ years. Whenever they visit we have to cook and clean nonstop while they sit there and watch.

Problem is I sense you don’t want your parents around. I’m the same way and have figured out I don’t really like my parents. I love them, but don’t like them. Their presence in my house bothers me.

OP has more money than her parents. Why on earth are you cooking and cleaning nonstop? Who is causing constant messes? That’s so weird, unless you are talking about your own family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.

If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.

What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.

[Anonymous]

Can you flip bedrooms when/if they stay? So they have the master room and you guys do basement whole area?

It mainly requires more laundry of linens but might be a solution. We hosted a holiday once with two whole families and kids and had to give our room to the grandparents due to bed type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.

If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.

What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.

Yeah, I'm curious about whether OP and her family stay with her parents, whether she'd be put off if they told her to stay in a hotel even though they have space, whether they buy the groceries and plan and prepare the meals.

I mean, you act like you did them a big favor paying for the AirBnB when they came for the purpose of providing childcare while your daycare was closed. The vibe I get is that you don't really like them, and you don't really like them visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want them to come to your DH's graduation and pay for an AirBNB? I would be incredibly hurt if I were them and probably wouldn't come. Sorry, they are your parents. Figure out a way to work somewhere else in the house when they visit or ask them to limit the time they come on the week days. Why do you feel the need to host when they are there? I'm sure they would rather you be honest with them about not having the time/energy to host them instead of getting relegated to an AirBNB.

I'm saying that the weekend of his graduation, I want my husband to be able to relax in our own house without my parents around. We want them to be part of the celebration, but there will be several other family and friends in town as well, and I don't want to feel like we're hosting them specifically that weekend.

Why do they even need to come to his graduation?

They had expressed interest in attending

If I were them, I'd apologize for not realizing that our visit would be so inconvenient and not bother coming to the graduation. You see them as an imposition and a bother, so yes, it's not surprising that they'd be hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few things.
Where do you stay when you visit your parents? If they requested you stay in a hotel do you think you should pay or them? What if it was for a holiday so they were getting ready to have other people over. Would that make a difference?
Would it make a difference if they invited you or if you initiated the visit?
Would offer to pay for food or cook for them or would you expect them to provide the main meals? Do you entertain yourself or do you expect them to do things with you the entire time?

You see, you can't have 2 sets of expectations. You can't expect to go there and get a free room and meals but demand they pay for a ABNB and their own meals when they come to you.
Now, you can limit the days and times they visit. Just say, you know we would love to have you in September but with kyle graduating we will be swamped. Can we pick a different date? If you invite them, then sorry, you are kind of responsible for them.
If my inlaws invited us to visit and then demanded we pay for a hotel and our meals I would kindly decline future requests.
But maybe that is what you want anyway.

if you don't want your parents to be there for big events (graduation, birthdays) then tell them you prefer celebrations like this to be with just you DH and kid. But you would be happy to find other times for them to visit
But don't martyr yourself by making them out to be the bad guys here. Likely you are not telling your friends the big picture or they don't understand it. I don't know anyone who invites family to babysit for a week but expects them to pay for a hotel adn meals the entire time they are there.

[Anonymous]

You can also use your words and say, we would love for you to come for graduation. it would be so helpful if you could take Timmy out to breakfast that morning so we can prep for hte party. That would be amazing for us!

[Anonymous]

It’s a little weird that sometimes they are invited to stay with you and sometimes not. I definitely understand your reasoning when you explain it, but I also understand why your mom would feel hurt. I think you need to pick a lane.

[Anonymous]

So petty, OP. So petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So petty, OP. So petty.

Yes, plus feeling so put upon that you have to cook (in your own house!) when they are visiting. Most hosts do just that.

[Anonymous]

We made sure to do a walking distance hotel/rental/etc instead of driving. That seems to make a big difference to our parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you invite, and need them to stay in Airbnb, you pay. If they invite themselves and that time does not work for you to host, you nicely direct them to Airbnb where they can book.

Other families may do things different for a million different reasons, and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a little weird that sometimes they are invited to stay with you and sometimes not. I definitely understand your reasoning when you explain it, but I also understand why your mom would feel hurt. I think you need to pick a lane.

They have demanding jobs, so be works from home now right in the guest room area.

Not everyone can host out of town parents - no room, no time, need a car, too busy, everyone will be let down.
OP may or may not be in that situation. Sounds like no guest room except in basement. That’s fine. Some families live in apartments.

As for Airbnb or whatever, maybe you all can split it?
Maybe long weekends of non-big holidays just doesn’t make sense.
Maybe you need a bigger house elsewhere (pita to move).