Paying for parents to stay locally
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Anonymous
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My parents live several states away. We bought our house a few years ago and they have typically stayed with us in DC when they visit. We have a large finished basement which is our guest space, it has a bathroom and kitchen, but the space is open-concept and also my office (I WFM every day).
Typically they have stayed with us when they visit. In August, our son's daycare was closed for a week, but it was my busy time with work and we had some personal stuff going on (my husband was making a decision on changing jobs that week), so my parents were coming to babysit my son, and since they were doing us a favor by babysitting, I offered to put them up in a really nice Airbnb in the neighborhood. My mom seemed put-off, not by anything she said - just attitude, can't really articulate it better than that - but they understood that we had a lot going on and a 9 day visit is a lot. They stayed with us over the second weekend they were here since I was using my office space M-Fri and it's hard to use it as a true office when we have guests visiting. My husband is graduating from law school next spring and I am tentatively planning a celebration for him. I know it will not be relaxing for him if my parents are staying with us for his graduation weekend. I spoke with my parents this morning about the idea and said it'd likely make sense that they stay in the AirBnb that weekend if they visit. My mom again, sounded put-off: "Oh.....okay....... so we can't stay with you?" and I felt weird, but I just said yes, that'd be easier since we have a lot going on that weekend and I wanted to make sure it felt like the weekend was about him, instead of the responsibility of hosting. I got off the phone and realized there'd been no discussion of the finances... are we now expected to pay for the Air Bnb again for my parents because they're not staying with us? We had paid for it for the week they were doing childcare, to be nice, but this was just a regular visit. In the back of my mind, I have something else coming up in March - my parents want to visit ON my son's b-day. We really like the idea of waking up and having the time with my son, sans parents/inlaws around, and my parents are high-maintenance guests that always need to be talking/engaging. I wish I could bring up to my parents that it's a little easier if they stay elsewhere on some visits, but I just feel like 3 visits within a year of suggesting they stay at an Air Bnb will really put them off. However, I don't want to set the precedent that they're just staying with us... and I don't really want to set the precedent that we're going to continue to pay for them to stay there. The Airbnb is half mile away, about a 2 minute drive, and not pricey despite that we live in a nice neighborhood in upper NW. I don't know if I'm the ass hole for not wanting them to stay with us, but my husband and I both work demanding jobs and while I love seeing them, on occasions where other things are going on simultaneously (son's b-day, husband's graduation), I don't really want to host. I know my parents will be put off by this and not understand, based on their personalities. When they were here for the week in August, we cooked every single dinner, the dinners we didn't cook, we paid for, it was a lot of work and honestly, exhausting, since I was also caring for my 1 year old and my husband works crazy hours. It wasn't helpful at all. My parents have a decent income coming in in retirement and spend money fairly freely at this point. My husband and I are doing very well. We definitely have more money than I grew up with. My parents constantly are asking me how much we earn, how much we're both earning, so suffice to say, I think they know we have more money, and I am a little concerned that because they know we make a good living, we will just continue to pay. I'm not sure it's something they're consciously doing, but it's a precedent I don't really want to set. I am a very generous person but don't want to kind of continue to be the expected "provider" of all. I'm not sure if this makes sense... would love any feedback on the AirBnb situation (and is it reasonable we don't want them staying with us for major events sometimes?) and also the financial piece... thank you. |
Anonymous
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OP, snap out of it. Pay for the Air BNB
You have the money and they have spent so much money over the years for you. Come'on. |
Anonymous
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I'd make an entirely clean break from them staying with you. Is there any event you WOULD want them to stay in your house? Just say that your WFH has become permanent, so the guest suite has been converted to your office and you can't accommodate guests any more.
I'd send them the Air BnB listing "here's where you can book, if you want to stay here again. Otherwise XYZ hotel is here and ABC hotel is here. Can't wait to see you Graduation Weekend!" |
Anonymous
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Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay. |
Anonymous
OP here. I actually generally like it when they stay with us. They're coming over Thanksgiving and I'm really looking forward to it. They come a fair amount of "regular" weekends and it's fun. However, when there's big stuff going on (graduation weekend, b-day day where we want to wake up and celebrate as a family of 3, more leisurely), I don't want to be expected to host since they are more "high maintenance" guests. |
Anonymous
| They've typically stayed with you, until recently. Also, is their visit to celebrate your H their idea or your idea? If you invited them, then you pay. |
Anonymous
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I would never answer someone who asks how much we earn. My answer is "Don't worry - we won't ask you for a loan."
Your parents are coming to visit YOU. And now you want them to stay at a hotel or whatever, and just see them for meals or when you summon them. Yeah, that's not going to go over well, and I don't blame them. |
Anonymous
OP here. I hear you, but I don't have any other friends who pay for their parents to travel and stay nearby. I think I am just frustrated because of the friends I've talked to about this, they said their parents would never dream of having them pay for them to stay, their parents always take care of it themselves, and it makes me feel resentful. I mean these aren't people living on a shoe string. Their last vacation was to the Ritz. |
Anonymous
| You want them to come to your DH's graduation and pay for an AirBNB? I would be incredibly hurt if I were them and probably wouldn't come. Sorry, they are your parents. Figure out a way to work somewhere else in the house when they visit or ask them to limit the time they come on the week days. Why do you feel the need to host when they are there? I'm sure they would rather you be honest with them about not having the time/energy to host them instead of getting relegated to an AirBNB. |
Anonymous
Graduation, I assume. OP, I think the difference between your situation and your friends may be that you have the room to host and your parents want to stay with you. If either were untrue, it makes more sense for them to pay. But you could spare them the cost and you are choosing not to. That’s different, IMO. |
Anonymous
OP, my parents pay for themselves when they want more space and privacy than we can provide in our small house with a guest room on the main floor. When they're willing to stay here, we happily host. The issue is that you're the one asking for the more expensive option. |
Anonymous
OP here. I feel the need to host because there's never a dinner plan, everyone always asks me "what's for dinner?" so I was responsible for all the grocery buying, meal planning, no offer for help while my husband works long hours. It was upsetting to me how little they helped. |
Anonymous
Who would come up with the dinner plan if they weren't coming? |
Anonymous
I'm saying that the weekend of his graduation, I want my husband to be able to relax in our own house without my parents around. We want them to be part of the celebration, but there will be several other family and friends in town as well, and I don't want to feel like we're hosting them specifically that weekend. |
Anonymous
Why don’t you let them stay but ask them to be responsible for dinner? You can give them some take out menus to choose from. |