I was the weird, loner kid and now my kid is too. Talk me through this.

[Anonymous]

OP - I just want you to compliment you on noticing. I also disagree with a lot of people that you are projecting. I also am introverted and nerdy, but when I was in school our class was smal enough that the girls just kind of included me and I was fine. Your daughter sounds just like my son (doesn’t follow frenetic/loud kids games, introverted, prefers to watch). It wa a fortunate for us that we had him evaluated for a learning disability, wherein they also identified inattentive ADHD (which I didn’t realize was a thing), which contributes to his social issues. He works with an SLP to build social skills, not because we want him to be popular but because we want to be sure he knows how to socialize and make friends when he wants to. He is 9 and while he gets along with everyone, has never really had a strong friendship, but he’s really making progress.

If you are concerned, I would consider whether your daughter is happy at school; can she socialize/make connections in new situations? Can she identify when other kids want to be friends with her/make overtures? I will also say, if you ask her teacher for a readout, they can intentionally observe for a week and can be helpful, but in our experience, public schools have a very low bar for identifying/evaluating issues (at least in VA, they seem to prefer parents seek support outside of school). I would find a qualified SLP who works on social skills and see if they can meet her and then do an observation. You can be clear you are just fact gathering, not looking for therapy, but they will be able to give you a more objective opinion.

[Anonymous]

Read the Highly Sensitive Child - your daughter’s comment on playing being “too fast” is something the author mentions- that it can be overwhelming for some kids to keep track of fast movement all around them (it’s why the author recommends things like baseball for highly sensitive kids vs soccer where more things are happening at once).

[Anonymous]

Has she done anything in a mixed age group? It may be worth looking into activities outside school that offer a bigger age range.

[Anonymous]

Your OP reads almost all like projection. I say therapy for you - let your kid have her own journey rather than imposing yours on her.

[Anonymous]

You sound super invested in your identity as a weird girl. And you are projecting a lot on your child’s circumstances that likely have nothing to do with your childhood.

The solution is to 1. stop focusing on yourself and bemoaning your childhood, and 2. realize your child is not you and has strengths you don’t have.

Then, figure out if there actually is a problem for her and address that specific issue.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.
I am a 48 year old weirdo with a 20 year old weirdo.

We are ok. We are better than ok. We know how to love and be loved, recognize what's not worth fitting into, and are fed and clothed and housed. We're artists and engineers. We have friends, we found our people.

One thing I want to assure you about is that really and truly, kids are kinder to each other than they used to be. I think it's largely in part because those of us who grew up feeling like this taught them better. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP. Your daughter didn't like how those girls made her feel and disengaged. That could be a really good thing. Good for her.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post as well and sympathize with a lot of what you wrote. I agree with a previous poster who said that you should reframe this as her being independent and mature. Try not to project your own experiences onto her. Even if she is a weird loner like you are, her experience will be different than yours, and maybe even better than yours in that she won’t be as bothered by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post! My kid is the same age too. What's worked best for me is setting up one-on-one playdates (or with siblings, so it might be 3-4 kids total). Really you just need like 2-3 families where you like the parent and your kid likes their kid, and you get together with each of them every couple of weeks.

Or if you don't like the parent, you can do the playdates as drop-offs.

THIS.

Start helping her make friends, it's clear it doesn't come super naturally to her in the large groups at school. She may do much better with a 1 on 1 playdate. But if you are never helping her do that, it will never happen.

But you also sound like you have some serious things you are projecting onto her. Therapy for you may be helpful too.

[Anonymous]

You are disgusting OP

[Anonymous]

My daughter is the same way. But she’s not unhappy, so…there isn’t a problem! I was the same way as a kid and learned how to be a friend starting in middle school. Now I have good friendships. It’ll probably all be fine.

[Anonymous]

I was also a weird kid. All you really need as a weird kid is one good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP. Your daughter didn't like how those girls made her feel and disengaged. That could be a really good thing. Good for her.

NP and I agree. While it is possible that your daughter misread some of their comments, I think better to trust how she felt. I think it's a decent possibility that those specific kids weren't interested in letting her into their group. I've personally seen this kind of behavior with kids this age at scouts, recreational sports, and at the bus stop. I don't think it means that your daughter is a loner, though. She just needs more time to find kids she clicks with. My kids are about the same age and have had some trouble finding close friends. I think it's a matter of time and providing opportunities for them to meet people.

On that note, I disagree with the prior suggestions to focus on playdates. Playdates work well for many on DCUM but in my experience, they have not helped establish friendships. The playdates we hosted with classmates were awkward for the kids and exhausting for me because of the scheduling challenges, and we rarely got reciprocal invitations (I think either because people are too busy or because their kids had closer friends already). I talked to my kids' teachers to identify who they got along well with and also set up playdates through parents I met. The playdates were fine but they didn't do anything to foster tighter bonds so all in all, I think they were kind of a waste of time. It wasn't until my kids started figuring out who *they* wanted to play with that playdates were something they enjoyed. The difference was fairly dramatic, actually.

Activities like scouts and rec sports can be a good way to meet people and learn new things. But a lot of that is luck of the draw in terms of whether your child will connect with the other kids; there are some troops and teams that include cliques of kids that are hard to break into. I don't say that to dissuade you from pursuing but as a reminder to help you set expectations for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just catching up on this thread. Thank you for the advice, even when it sometimes conflicted! It is useful to think of this from several perspectives. Other than the person who says I am disgusting, which I'm just going to disregard.

But I actually came back here because after school yesterday I was talking with my daughter and she was talking about some playground interactions at school, and I found some of the things mentioned on this thread quite helpful in the conversation. Not going to go into detail, but it made me think of the comments that noted she is pretty self-possessed for her age in choosing to do what works for her even if it is not what the other kids want her to be doing. I think this is right and it was a good reminder. It does sometimes mean that she spends more time playing on her own than other kids might, but it's a choice she's making for herself based on her own preferences, not something she is being pushed into because she's being excluded. As long as it's her choice, I'm not going to worry about it. I sometimes forget that her childhood is quite different than mine because she's an only child, because of Covid, and because she is simply a different person. I don't think I'm totally projecting my own issues on to her as some suggested (I understand my worry stems from my own experiences but that is not the same as just imposing my own experiences onto her). But I do think I need to learn to worry less unless an actual problem is presented, and I don't think she views her relatively social isolation as a problem at the moment. She has at a various points in the past and we've talked through those, but right now I think she's comfortable with her level of socializing and she has a lot of confidence in herself which is great.

Thanks for being a sounding board, it was useful.

[Anonymous]

To this day I struggle in groups. I absolutely dread parties because it's like I am paralyzed, but one on one I have several close friends who I love to be with. My son is the same. Schedule one on one playdates!