I was the weird, loner kid and now my kid is too. Talk me through this.

[Anonymous]

As an introvert she may just want some quiet time during recess, etc. School can be very draining. I actually identify as being similar during elementary, a little quirky, etc. I loved doing the swings during recess or reading a book b/c I needed downtime. Over time I found after school things where I had good relationships/friendships with smaller groups of kids, whether it was a school club or church friends. As an adult sometimes I wish I was the cheery extroverted person that is socially easy all the time, but I value my quirky friendships and eventually found my quirky husband and now we have two quirky kids haha. I also remember spending a LOT of time in elementary hanging w/my mom and loving that, so I would really cherish that time--you are a safe place for her! I think maybe you have some angst b/c you felt left out/the loner in your family, but if you can be a loving mom to your daughter, that will be a great secure foundation that she can build on.

[Anonymous]

Agree on one to one playdates.

Also, can you put her in some non-sport group classes? There are some group lessons for musical instruments. Group cooking or chess lessons might work. Some local libraries have book clubs for younger kids and she might enjoy those.

[Anonymous]

+1 that she doesn’t sound weird, just sensitive. And one-on-one playdates.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the staff at your kid's school, you may be able to have a school counselor or social worker observe her and see if they think there are any concerns. I would make sure to schedule some kind of 1-on-1 socializing weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be proud of how she handled the friends. That's a great and mature response.

It's not clear to me whether she's different from other kids (although I think you are in a better position to know than strangers on the internet who are telling you this isn't the case), but the main thing is -- is she happy?

I can't tell whether you are assuming she must be or will be unhappy because you were, or whether she's a little different but mature enough to know it's not wrong and she's ok.

+1 that sounds like high emotional intelligence. Shit friends < no friends. Help her stay true to herself.

+2 this will be a huge asset for her in life.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this OP. I was also always a little socially awkward (still feel that way) and it's becoming clear that my older DS (4yo) is similar to me. He tends to play alone or (sadder) just kind of watch the other kids play. However, he is definitely an introvert and gest exhausted by too much socializing so I try not to project too much and just help where I can (e.g. one-on-one playdates).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 7, will be 8 in a couple months. 2nd grade.

I wish I could say exactly what I mean by weird, maybe that would help me as well. She's slow to warm up to people, and that can be perceived as weird by other kids, who will label her as shy (as will teachers sometimes). She's not really, it just takes her some time to get used to a new class. She is smart and bookish, and likes to read a lot, including during times when other kids might choose to play, and I think that is also considered weird or anti-social.

Last year when she was spending recess alone a lot, I asked her about it and she said that the other kids played "too fast." Like literally their form of playing was just running from one thing to the next, announcing a new rule to a game and then running off again. The pace felt frenetic to her and she'd feel stressed if she didn't hear what someone said. She'd play "wrong" and one of the other kids would say something like "no, not like THAT" and even though it wasn't like a targeted attack or something, she'd just feel like it was too much. I think that's how the playing alone thing started, and that's why we were encouraged when she started this friendship with these two girls because it seemed like they might be more her speed. But then that didn't work out either.

It sounds like her social skills aren't strong enough for her to intuit what they're doing and play along, and she's over-sensitive to negative feedback. Both are social skills issues that you can work on. Or maybe it's an auditory processing issue.

It's possible to be a bookish introvert with strong social skills. That's my goal for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Different personalities, but I also noticed this with my own DD as she got around 10/11. Up until then she was this talkative and friendly kid who never had trouble making friends and then all of a sudden she was quiet and making friends wasn’t as easy. More like I was.
You sound like you turned out great despite not being the most liked person growing up. She will be fine too and having a mom who understands her more will help.

[Anonymous]

OP - isn't the fact that you grew up, got married (seemingly to a reasonable guy) and had a kid proof enough that being the weird, loner kid isn't really that big of a deal?

[Anonymous]

I think you're projecting and should let it go. Don't create issues that aren't there. If she is happy, just support whatever she likes.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone asking if she's happy - if she prefers reading to running/playing during recess, then so what? Different people enjoy different activities.

The thing I'd add to that is that the world is really just different than when we grew up. Nerds are cool, sci-fi/fantasy are totally mainstream, and bullying is a lot less tolerated.

The kids that I see struggling now are kids who kind of refuse to find their folks. Like, they love The Hobbit and play D&D and are obsessed with beetles, but they only want to be friends with the kids who would have been "cool" when we were young - the sports stars and cheerleaders.

There's a group for everyone, and the lonely kids are the ones who for whatever reason (parental pressure?) think that the group that shares their interest is "wrong" for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree on one to one playdates.

Also, can you put her in some non-sport group classes? There are some group lessons for musical instruments. Group cooking or chess lessons might work. Some local libraries have book clubs for younger kids and she might enjoy those.

I agree with this, especially the one on one play dates. Aim for a few different kids and know that you will have to invest a lot of time into it but it will likely be worth it.

[Anonymous]

My kids are like this. Middle school was hard, and I actually homeschooled both of my boys in eighth grade. They were so miserable (and I really love algebra and diagramming sentences).
By the time they went to high school, kids were actually kinder and more open minded. Gen Z has a very different mentality toward quirky kids, and adolescence has been a much different experience for my kids than it was for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone asking if she's happy - if she prefers reading to running/playing during recess, then so what? Different people enjoy different activities.

The thing I'd add to that is that the world is really just different than when we grew up. Nerds are cool, sci-fi/fantasy are totally mainstream, and bullying is a lot less tolerated.

The kids that I see struggling now are kids who kind of refuse to find their folks. Like, they love The Hobbit and play D&D and are obsessed with beetles, but they only want to be friends with the kids who would have been "cool" when we were young - the sports stars and cheerleaders.

There's a group for everyone, and the lonely kids are the ones who for whatever reason (parental pressure?) think that the group that shares their interest is "wrong" for some reason.

This isn't something that is new, and I actually think you are misreading the situation. I think what is actually happening is that kids feel conflicted about who "their people" are because they haven't fully settled on who they are yet. The kid who likes D&D and the Hobbit may also be sort of curious about playing soccer or being a cheerleader. It's okay. It's good that there is more acceptance now of kids who have what used to be considered "nerdy" interests, but that doesn't mean those interests are automatically better or more authentic.

Kids sometimes feel lonely because they are still getting to know themselves and that process can be lonely. Don't assume the pressure is external. Sometimes people need time to find themselves and kids should be afforded that luxury (in my opinion so should adults -- most people are works in process).

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are saying and I was somewhat like this as a kid. I had some trouble with social anxiety as a young adult, because I’d be in situations where I didn’t know the rules, and should have had explicit explanations. I’m not on the spectrum at all. I would absolutely sign her up for Girl Scouts. At GS camp this summer, they said that camp was the place where you could be weird or not, and nobody cares. I’d also look for a book club at your library and for other activities that are not so frenetic, like chess club or service to others. I’d keep the play dates shorter and structured for now. It’s hard to keep going when you’ve had enough and want to go read. Keep the screens away as long as you can. Too many kids find friends online and not enough in real life.