I was the weird, loner kid and now my kid is too. Talk me through this.

[Anonymous]

I was always the kid was a little strange in school. I had friends and got invited to things, but I tended to be on the fringes of groups and I did come in for some bullying at times because of my weirdness. It was hard at times and I've always had this feeling like I'm an outsider. I have friends as an adult, including some good longterm friendships, but even within those groups I'm the "weird one". It's something I have mostly accepted, though there are times when I wish I could just fit in to groups the way other people seem to.

When my kid was younger (like preschool age) it seemed like she was going to be the opposite, and more like my DH, who is the kind of person everyone likes. She is very gregarious and at the time had a very sunny appearance -- big smiles, and would walk right up and chat people up.

But as she's entered elementary school (and in part due to Covid closures and years of masking) this feels like it's changed. She's definitely more of a loner now, and the teachers report that she often just plays on her own during recess. She gets along with other kids, but they form friendship groups among themselves and she kind of floats on the outside. She has not reported any teasing or bullying yet. However,r there was a situation last year where it seemed like she was becoming friends with two girls in her class and then it abruptly stopped, and when I asked her about it, she said the girls were "not nice" to her and she was just going to hang out on her own. I asked what they had done and she just shrugged and said that she didn't like how they talked to her, but could not pinpoint exactly what it was they had done. My suspicion is that they were being somewhat exclusive but not in an overtly mean way. Like maybe they had some inside jokes just between the two of them and my DD was on the outside. I'm guessing this because I've been in that situation before. It's not bullying, but it doesn't feel good and can make you feel more lonely than just not having friends at all.

This is starting to stress me out. I don't want my kid to be lonely. I wish I could say "no big deal, I'm a weird loner and it's great!" But the truth is that it is NOT great. It's a bit hard. The one thing my DD has going for her is that she and I have a really good relationship, whereas my parents and I were never close and I was even a bit of a loner within my family, with older siblings who were popular and mainstream (literally a football star and the head cheerleader, not even joking). DD loves hanging out with me and will tell me I'm her best friend. I love that but I'm her mom, and that's not the same as having peers who are friends. I also worry that my innate weirdness has rubbed off on her and if it's my fault she's a loner like this. My husband says no way, that she just hasn't found her people and that Covid has made it harder, and we just need to be patient. She also starts at a new school next year and I'm hopeful that the change in venue will give her a fresh start and a new group of peers who might fit better.

But I still stress over it. Anyone BTDT and. have any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

I'm hearing more lately about hard to detect female autism. Maybe check it out?

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? I think I missed that part. What do you mean by weird?
I am a teacher and some kids that are considered “weird” just lack social skills, have interest that are different from the majority in class, speak a different language, dress differently than the school norm, etc. so what is so weird?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your daughter? I think I missed that part. What do you mean by weird?
I am a teacher and some kids that are considered “weird” just lack social skills, have interest that are different from the majority in class, speak a different language, dress differently than the school norm, etc. so what is so weird?

+1. Define weird. I think I am weird (a super nerd), but, I am also able to hide it for the most part. The older I get the less I GAF.

[Anonymous]

DD is 7, will be 8 in a couple months. 2nd grade.

I wish I could say exactly what I mean by weird, maybe that would help me as well. She's slow to warm up to people, and that can be perceived as weird by other kids, who will label her as shy (as will teachers sometimes). She's not really, it just takes her some time to get used to a new class. She is smart and bookish, and likes to read a lot, including during times when other kids might choose to play, and I think that is also considered weird or anti-social.

Last year when she was spending recess alone a lot, I asked her about it and she said that the other kids played "too fast." Like literally their form of playing was just running from one thing to the next, announcing a new rule to a game and then running off again. The pace felt frenetic to her and she'd feel stressed if she didn't hear what someone said. She'd play "wrong" and one of the other kids would say something like "no, not like THAT" and even though it wasn't like a targeted attack or something, she'd just feel like it was too much. I think that's how the playing alone thing started, and that's why we were encouraged when she started this friendship with these two girls because it seemed like they might be more her speed. But then that didn't work out either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 7, will be 8 in a couple months. 2nd grade.

I wish I could say exactly what I mean by weird, maybe that would help me as well. She's slow to warm up to people, and that can be perceived as weird by other kids, who will label her as shy (as will teachers sometimes). She's not really, it just takes her some time to get used to a new class. She is smart and bookish, and likes to read a lot, including during times when other kids might choose to play, and I think that is also considered weird or anti-social.

Last year when she was spending recess alone a lot, I asked her about it and she said that the other kids played "too fast." Like literally their form of playing was just running from one thing to the next, announcing a new rule to a game and then running off again. The pace felt frenetic to her and she'd feel stressed if she didn't hear what someone said. She'd play "wrong" and one of the other kids would say something like "no, not like THAT" and even though it wasn't like a targeted attack or something, she'd just feel like it was too much. I think that's how the playing alone thing started, and that's why we were encouraged when she started this friendship with these two girls because it seemed like they might be more her speed. But then that didn't work out either.

I am the previous teacher that asked and I teach 3rd grade. Your daughter is not weird and I think you may be projecting your insecurities and negative image of her, upon her. Instead of defining her as weird and a loner, define her as mature (she really seems mature) and independent. Is she happy reading a book or does she want to play with others at recess? I have students that read at recess and good for them!

[Anonymous]

If she seems happy and not lonely, I wouldn’t be concerned. Not everyone is super social. If she seems content, good.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post! My kid is the same age too. What's worked best for me is setting up one-on-one playdates (or with siblings, so it might be 3-4 kids total). Really you just need like 2-3 families where you like the parent and your kid likes their kid, and you get together with each of them every couple of weeks.

Or if you don't like the parent, you can do the playdates as drop-offs.

[Anonymous]

When you have this type of background it is very hard not to stress about it for your kids, I know! But it sounds like you might be projecting a bit? She's not you. I don't say that to be harsh, but to remind you that you can't see her experience through the lens of your own. If you start to suggest her interactions with kids are negative, she's going to start to see them that way. Has she expressed that she's lonely? Maybe she's ok with hanging out by herself?

Provide opportunities for her to connect with like-minded kids through participation in activities she's interested in. Ask her if she wants you to set up any playdates or arrange get-togethers somewhere - you don't mention her age but if she's older it might be more appropriate to meet somewhere the kids can be more independent. If you're comfortable and can connect with other parents it might help to show her you're willing to manage that type of situation, too.

[Anonymous]

Aw she just sounds sensitive to me.

[Anonymous]

I'd be proud of how she handled the friends. That's a great and mature response.

It's not clear to me whether she's different from other kids (although I think you are in a better position to know than strangers on the internet who are telling you this isn't the case), but the main thing is -- is she happy?

I can't tell whether you are assuming she must be or will be unhappy because you were, or whether she's a little different but mature enough to know it's not wrong and she's ok.

[Anonymous]

What activities is she in? For example is she in a brownie troop? Does she go to Sunday school and other church activities? Give her other social outlets to develop social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be proud of how she handled the friends. That's a great and mature response.

It's not clear to me whether she's different from other kids (although I think you are in a better position to know than strangers on the internet who are telling you this isn't the case), but the main thing is -- is she happy?

I can't tell whether you are assuming she must be or will be unhappy because you were, or whether she's a little different but mature enough to know it's not wrong and she's ok.

+1 that sounds like high emotional intelligence. Shit friends < no friends. Help her stay true to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post! My kid is the same age too. What's worked best for me is setting up one-on-one playdates (or with siblings, so it might be 3-4 kids total). Really you just need like 2-3 families where you like the parent and your kid likes their kid, and you get together with each of them every couple of weeks.

Or if you don't like the parent, you can do the playdates as drop-offs.

+1
Also, one-on-one playdates help build the connections that can spill over to school. A kid who's hung out with your kid a few times is more likely to invite her to join in, for example. Plus, it's a chance to practice social skills generally.