Is middle school always miserable? (Mean girls)

[Anonymous]

My DD just started 7th. She’s quirky and has no interest in being popular. She struggles to make friends in general but I’ve not heard of bullying issues yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle School was brutal for my daughter. My son on the other hand didn't have any of these issues.

The “cool” boys are doing this too. Also many of them are friends with these girls and can be players in the drama. I believe they tend to get fed up with it and move on faster.

My other observation is the boys keep it to school time more. Less interest in endless texting and face timing. So they get a reprieve at home.

Yea, I'd agree with this. With boys it happens, but mostly kept to school.

Was true back in the day, too. We didn't have social media or texting but girls were more likely to keep things going over the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

I work in a high FARMS school and I disagree that there is no hierarchy--I think it just looks different than it does in the UMC crowd. It sounds like your dd is generally popular and well liked so she isn't mixed in with the drama. That's a good thing!

There is always a hierarchy. It’s human development.

DD is at a high FARMS, highly diverse school and there are many different types of "popular" so she isn't seeing the type of drama that some of her friends at less diverse UMC schools are describing. It may depend more on how diverse a school is versus SES. Overall she's really happy in MS and many of her classmates too.

[Anonymous]

While I would love to suggest your daughter ditch the mean girls to find a group of nicer friends, I know it's not that easy. So . . . .

Try asking you daughter who in the group is NOT into the drama. Bascially, who's the nicest, least affected one. And suggest she pair up with that girl (a) for solace/validation; and (b) to "branch out" and try to spend some time with other kids who are less into mean girl drama. (It'll likely be easier for her to do this with a "wingman" rather than on her own.)

And through it all, just continue to validate your daughter's experience. If she's noticing that these girls "connect" and relate to each other other by being mean to others, validate her instinct that this is not OK - that it's not how she wants to be in the world. That gut feeling of hers is super important - so encourage her to listen to it.

We've tried hard not to demonize/harsh on the mean kids.
Because we don't want to fan drama (and also because these are KIDS - they're all trying to figure it out and many will learn from their mistakes and come through this phase as nicer versions of their middle school selves.) We just remind our kids everyone's trying to find their place.
Some end up trying to connect or feel included by being mean to others, but truly NOT everyone is like that, even in middle school. We tell them to look for the kids who aren't like that - who tend to stay above the fray or at least aren't pulled into drama - and see if they connect with them.

Middle school is a BIG population. Encourage your kids to keep looking for the nice ones!

It also helps to

[Anonymous]

At the start of middle school, my DD's best friend was targeted by a queen bee with a following. My DD stood up for her friend and as a result, she also made the queen bee's list of undesirables. It was rough at first but it didn't last forever, and in the end it was a good lesson about friendship. My DD has been happy ever since. The key is not to be desperate to be a part of the "cool" group. My DD has never been bothered about popularity, and I think that's mainly why she's so happy and has a nice, stable, undramatic core group of friends.

[Anonymous]

A therapist friend told me that the best cure for this is for middle school-aged girls to get very involved in an extra-curricular activity: sports, an instrument, dance, etc. Girls who are deeply involved in an activity are more insulated from the mean girl, social-heirarchy stuff. Research backs this up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A therapist friend told me that the best cure for this is for middle school-aged girls to get very involved in an extra-curricular activity: sports, an instrument, dance, etc. Girls who are deeply involved in an activity are more insulated from the mean girl, social-heirarchy stuff. Research backs this up!

I don't think this just applies to girls. Boys too.

My son has a strong outside interest and it helps a lot. Some of it is just not having the time to engage. The "cool" kids often seem to have a combination of endless time and unrestricted access to phones. If they're not available, they're not involved (in drama).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

If your daughter tells you all middle school girls in her school are getting along that is a red flag she may be the one that is mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

If your daughter tells you all middle school girls in her school are getting along that is a red flag she may be the one that is mean.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms, those you with large groups of neighborhood friends, ones you see weekly, travel with etc.. When you don’t let your daughter invite Larla over bc her mom isn’t invited with your friends, you are perpetuating mean girl behavior under the guise of not wanting to hurt feelings.

I posted right above and this is the kind of stuff that becomes completely irrelevant in HS. Kids make their own plans. Parents are uninvolved. Lots of girls who were friends b/c their parents are friendly won’t hang with eachother anymore, they’ll make their own friendships.

Agree with this but some parents can't let go of it and push it longer even when their kids are ready to simply take control of their own social lives. The parents are sometimes proud of having created these little family cliques, and they become attached to the idea of their kids staying close even as they are becoming different people who might want something else in their lives. They also realize that the kids are part of the glue that make their own friendships work, and don't want to go it alone.

For this reason, we've always encouraged our DD to be friendly with our friends' kids (because it's important to be able to get along with different kinds of people) but we don't expect her to limit their socializing to our friends' kids. At all. And as she gets older, this becomes more true and we encourage it. She is her own person, she doesn't need to fit herself tidily into our lives.

[Anonymous]

There are groups of mean girls in every school and they are not necessarily the ones who are popular. In the cases we've seen it's girls who want to be seen as popular so they start excluding or putting down other people so that they can feel superior. They some times have a lot of issues like they are not that attractive but try hard. They aren't good at school so they put their energy into other things.
It's really immaturity and pettiness. Most middle schools in our area are large so you can easily avoid these girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

If your daughter tells you all middle school girls in her school are getting along that is a red flag she may be the one that is mean.

This is true. A lot of mean girls discover that a kind of practiced obliviousness works to their advantage. "I don't know, all of my friends are always supportive and kind and I've never noticed any competition or hurtful behavior" is a way of saying that it's the girls who complain of mean girl behavior who must be the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

If your daughter tells you all middle school girls in her school are getting along that is a red flag she may be the one that is mean.

This is true. A lot of mean girls discover that a kind of practiced obliviousness works to their advantage. "I don't know, all of my friends are always supportive and kind and I've never noticed any competition or hurtful behavior" is a way of saying that it's the girls who complain of mean girl behavior who must be the problem.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

Completely agree with this. Could have written this post. Diversity encourages inclusion.

Maybe there is some sort of hierarchy, but generally the student body is harmonious. The difference I think is that when there is a bad problem, like a nasty fight, it's really bad, but tends to be isolated to a few problem students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

If your daughter tells you all middle school girls in her school are getting along that is a red flag she may be the one that is mean.

This is true. A lot of mean girls discover that a kind of practiced obliviousness works to their advantage. "I don't know, all of my friends are always supportive and kind and I've never noticed any competition or hurtful behavior" is a way of saying that it's the girls who complain of mean girl behavior who must be the problem.

Ha! You're right. At an anti bullying talk some of the parents attended, I heard my DD's 5rd grade bully pipe up and tell everyone that their elementary had not bullying, like there is no way those things happen here. My DD who was sitting with her class looked over at me. I think we both inwardly rolled our eyes.