Is middle school always miserable? (Mean girls)

[Anonymous]

Would love some perspective from others, especially if you have a girl…

DD just started 7th and the mean girl behavior is out of control. It definitely started last year, or maybe even a bit in 4th or 5th grade as friend dynamics started to change. I think she is on the periphery of the “cool” crowd but honestly the girls are all just so brutal to one another overall. It’s like they single a couple people out at a time and just make their lives miserable, then they move on to someone else. I just found out that one girl was tormented so much last year that her parents moved her to another school. I don’t think my DD is one of the active mean girls, but she is definitely guilty by association because she does nothing to those being singled out (and has been one the receiving end a few times). She explains to me that you either follow along or they make your life beyond miserable (spreading lies about you, sending you hate message on social media or by text, playing pranks at school, etc).

I have talked to a few friends with similar age kids and they seem to be experiencing the same with their girls in different schools… so is this just everywhere? Does it get better in high school?

At least in our case these girls are from good families with involved parents so I don’t understand why nothing at all can be done to curb the behavior.

[Anonymous]

They learn this sort of behavior from their "involved parents". The involved parents were the ones behaving this way in middle and high school and teaching their children this behavior because they still act this way. Maybe your child needs new friends. I would encourage her to join other activities and make new friends through those.

[Anonymous]

I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn this sort of behavior from their "involved parents". The involved parents were the ones behaving this way in middle and high school and teaching their children this behavior because they still act this way. Maybe your child needs new friends. I would encourage her to join other activities and make new friends through those.

I don’t really agree with this.

I think there is a code among the girls in groups like that not to rat each other out and if a parent interferes, the child of that parent will just be tortured more. And a lot of them are smart about how they do it.

The lesson your daughter needs to learn is how to handle herself and what she’s willing to be a part of and put up with. Don’t assume she is totally “innocent” either. You focus on her, which is the only variable you have any control over. She needs to realize being “cool” isn’t worth it if this is how she feels and acts and gets treated and find new friends. You keep reminding her what friendship means, what she should expect of herself and others, listen and don’t judge or she’ll stop talking to you but ask questions back so she sees what’s going on herself. She will get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

I work in a high FARMS school and I disagree that there is no hierarchy--I think it just looks different than it does in the UMC crowd. It sounds like your dd is generally popular and well liked so she isn't mixed in with the drama. That's a good thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

I work in a high FARMS school and I disagree that there is no hierarchy--I think it just looks different than it does in the UMC crowd. It sounds like your dd is generally popular and well liked so she isn't mixed in with the drama. That's a good thing!

There is always a hierarchy. It’s human development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn this sort of behavior from their "involved parents". The involved parents were the ones behaving this way in middle and high school and teaching their children this behavior because they still act this way. Maybe your child needs new friends. I would encourage her to join other activities and make new friends through those.

I’m 30 so I’m sure things have changed but, growing up, there were definitely social hierarchies and most parents/moms were not involved at all in our social lives. I tend to believe, even now, cliques would form even in the absence of “mean moms” and that the cutthroat social environment at this age has more to do with the complex experience of growing up and moving from childhood to adolescence.

[Anonymous]

Middle School was brutal for my daughter. My son on the other hand didn't have any of these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle School was brutal for my daughter. My son on the other hand didn't have any of these issues.

Middle school is such a tough time. I think it’s often worse for girls than boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle School was brutal for my daughter. My son on the other hand didn't have any of these issues.

The “cool” boys are doing this too. Also many of them are friends with these girls and can be players in the drama. I believe they tend to get fed up with it and move on faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle School was brutal for my daughter. My son on the other hand didn't have any of these issues.

The “cool” boys are doing this too. Also many of them are friends with these girls and can be players in the drama. I believe they tend to get fed up with it and move on faster.

My other observation is the boys keep it to school time more. Less interest in endless texting and face timing. So they get a reprieve at home.

[Anonymous]

It gets better. DD in 8th now and it started in 4th/5th, got worse in 6th and 7th but kids matured a lot in the past year. We've heard from many parents of older kids that this is much less prominent in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It gets better. DD in 8th now and it started in 4th/5th, got worse in 6th and 7th but kids matured a lot in the past year. We've heard from many parents of older kids that this is much less prominent in high school.

I've heard this, too. My senior year DS said that by HS, most kids have matured enough and too focused on getting into a "good" college to care about "who's in and who's out".

But, I hear ya, OP. It's brutal. I have a 14 yr old DD. I bought the book "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls", and though I haven't read all of it, I read a few chapters that reflected what my DD was going through.

My DD has learned the hard way, since 4th grade, that being part of the "popular" girls is exhausting and not good for your mental/emotional well being. She found some really kind friends who this past year who actually car about her and don't gossip about her. I told her earlier on that any friend who doesn't care about you and only wants to be your "friend" when it suits them is not a true friend, and don't give them that power over you.

Some of the mean girls do have crazy moms. I almost got sucked into one of the mom dramas. I took a step waaay back from that mom group. IMO, some of it is definitely learned behavior.

Girls are so catty, and some of them never out grow it.

GL to you.

[Anonymous]

You do not want to be in the popular group unless you thrive on that endless drama. The relationships seem to be built on it and they bond with each other over going after this one or that one.

In HS, some kids maintain friends for many years but they don't seem to be part of the popular group. That group is an endless cycle if bring in or out, up or down.

Obviously, there is someone reward in that behavior as it seems to go on and on. Do if your kid likes that, go popular, if she finds it draining counterproductive, stay away

[Anonymous]

I think this varies from school to school. I think the key is for kids to not be in the “cool” group but to be confident in who they are and surround themselves by like-minded people.

My DD is part of a group of both sporty kids and studious kids. They seem kind and welcoming. She has spoken of the group perceived as the “cool” kids. I’ve known many of these kids since they were in K. They’re mostly nice , friendly kids but have become a little more interested in their looks and clothes and a little less interested in their schoolwork. She hasn’t noticed any mean girl behavior, yet.