Is middle school always miserable? (Mean girls)

[Anonymous]

It hasn't been great, that is for sure. Fortunately, my son has had the same best friend all through, which has been helpful - other kids have been mean (even former friends), but having one consistent friend has made it bearable.

[Anonymous]

Kids go through adolescence. That is not going to change.

The single best thing to do when kids are in these years is to have them involved in other stuff going on out of school. Sports, art, music, theater, scouting, whatever. Then there are always things for them to think about, plan around, and do. Things don’t go great in one area - there can be positives elsewhere.

Mind you - They don’t have to be superstars elsewhere. Just have stuff they like to do with others. I do recommend some physical activity even if your kid is not into sports. Everyone needs to be reasonably fit. And, it gives some level of self-confidence. Swim, rock climb, weightlift, whatever.

[Anonymous]

My daughter got through middle school with no drama that she shared and no apparent signs of drama. She is in 9th grade now. Fwiw, many moons ago my own experience was that the mean girl vibe definitely eased up in high school. People seemed to have more perspective and empathy by that point.

[Anonymous]

My kids all survived Deal with minimal damage. They always said there were so many people that you could avoid the people you didn’t like and find those you did. The only issues I heard about were kids trying to be in the “popular”group. But, most kids I knew there couldn’t have cared less about it. Not sure that helps but encourage your daughter to find different friends?

[Anonymous]

I think this is only a problem for girls that want to a part of what they perceive as the “popular” group but they aren’t/can’t. If your child is happy with the themselves and happy to be friends with those that want to be their friends- there isn’t this drama

[Anonymous]

FWIW - it seems like the girls who have outside interests like swim, soccer, etc. fair better. There's diversity in thought and friends. My niece, who only did cheerleading and had no other friends besides those friends, was mercilessly bullied by all the other girls who also only did cheerleading. They need something to do. Or they will devour each other whole.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not ‘always miserable!’ Look at the recent dcum thread where so many people reported that their kid LOVES middle school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids go through adolescence. That is not going to change.

The single best thing to do when kids are in these years is to have them involved in other stuff going on out of school. Sports, art, music, theater, scouting, whatever. Then there are always things for them to think about, plan around, and do. Things don’t go great in one area - there can be positives elsewhere.

Mind you - They don’t have to be superstars elsewhere. Just have stuff they like to do with others. I do recommend some physical activity even if your kid is not into sports. Everyone needs to be reasonably fit. And, it gives some level of self-confidence. Swim, rock climb, weightlift, whatever.

This is the secret for success in middle and high school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids go through adolescence. That is not going to change.

The single best thing to do when kids are in these years is to have them involved in other stuff going on out of school. Sports, art, music, theater, scouting, whatever. Then there are always things for them to think about, plan around, and do. Things don’t go great in one area - there can be positives elsewhere.

Mind you - They don’t have to be superstars elsewhere. Just have stuff they like to do with others. I do recommend some physical activity even if your kid is not into sports. Everyone needs to be reasonably fit. And, it gives some level of self-confidence. Swim, rock climb, weightlift, whatever.

+2 - good advice. Aside from the physical and emotional benefits, my DD’s sports really helped her socially. She had a rough 7th grade and her saving grace was her group of friends from her non-school sport. When things went south for awhile at school she was able to hang with this other group of close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It gets better. DD in 8th now and it started in 4th/5th, got worse in 6th and 7th but kids matured a lot in the past year. We've heard from many parents of older kids that this is much less prominent in high school.

My daughter is in college now. 6-7 were the worst! 8th was a little better, HS was a whole new ballgame. At a big public school, girls all seemed to find their place, grow more comfortable with who they are so a lot less social aggression. There were occasional dramas but not lik MS.

[Anonymous]

Moms, those you with large groups of neighborhood friends, ones you see weekly, travel with etc.. When you don’t let your daughter invite Larla over bc her mom isn’t invited with your friends, you are perpetuating mean girl behavior under the guise of not wanting to hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms, those you with large groups of neighborhood friends, ones you see weekly, travel with etc.. When you don’t let your daughter invite Larla over bc her mom isn’t invited with your friends, you are perpetuating mean girl behavior under the guise of not wanting to hurt feelings.

I posted right above and this is the kind of stuff that becomes completely irrelevant in HS. Kids make their own plans. Parents are uninvolved. Lots of girls who were friends b/c their parents are friendly won’t hang with eachother anymore, they’ll make their own friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

I disagree completely. We are in a high FARMS cluster and there is plenty of this. Started as young as 2nd grade. I have a friend who teaches at the schools and she comments about it also, so it’s definitely an issue.

I’d guess it happens at all SES levels.

[Anonymous]

6th grade was bad for my daughter..some bullying from boys (she's short) but mostly exclusionary behavior from other girls. We worked on her basically not giving a s*** if a girl excluded her. Lots of pep talks - and asking her questions like "if your little sister's classmate treated her like this, what would you advise her? Would you tell her to keep trying or would you tell her to move on?". In addition, we tried to refocus her on sports, ECs.
Anyway, 7th grade is much better. I don't know if the other kids have settled down, but my DD just seems to care a lot less if she's included, etc. And ironically she now has a group of nice, athletic and nerdy friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They learn this sort of behavior from their "involved parents". The involved parents were the ones behaving this way in middle and high school and teaching their children this behavior because they still act this way. Maybe your child needs new friends. I would encourage her to join other activities and make new friends through those.

No they do not. They learn it form a variety of sources, sometimes including parents, but also from TV, other friends, social media etc.

But, OP, the answer is yes, they are always miserable, wretched creatures with VERY few exceptions. And, I will also add that I see it in the boys too.

The key is TALKING to your child a LOT: to help them cope if on receiving end, telling them to not be a little a--hole if they are the giver, diversify friend groups, and keep your kid busy.
It's not a guarantee but it helped us.