I feel like I have forced myself to a crossroads

[Anonymous]

Anyone who has cut off a parent and is honest with themselves would be telling a person to weigh the positives and the negatives -- not pretending there are no negatives. The negatives are profound. Most people would be better off with a mother who torments them than being estranged from their mother. Being estranged doesn't really make the mother go away -- she will always be there, like a phantom limb. It's still a massive mind game and takes a huge amount of discipline not to "go there."

Think long and hard before making this choice. PPs asking for advice about this subject rarely give examples that justify estrangement, and yet all those who have cut off their mothers (or others) jump on to recommend it highly. That's not right.

[Anonymous]

She's an abuser. Don't look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who has cut off a parent and is honest with themselves would be telling a person to weigh the positives and the negatives -- not pretending there are no negatives. The negatives are profound. Most people would be better off with a mother who torments them than being estranged from their mother. Being estranged doesn't really make the mother go away -- she will always be there, like a phantom limb. It's still a massive mind game and takes a huge amount of discipline not to "go there."

Think long and hard before making this choice. PPs asking for advice about this subject rarely give examples that justify estrangement, and yet all those who have cut off their mothers (or others) jump on to recommend it highly. That's not right.

Actually I disagree. In may cases it is a natural progression over many years. It can often happen, after a final boundary and the person just cannot respect it. The person is given a choice and choses she would rather not speak to you if it means she must be decent. She will tell others you cut her off, but what you asked for was to be treated like a human.

When I look back, I am in awe of how many years I spent trying to be the bigger person, having empathy, trying not to take it personally, redirecting, setting boundaries, getting therapy, yada yada, Then finally there is peace. There is no phantom limb. A completed diseased and painful limb fell off and while I may not be whole, the body can now heal and there is no concern of the disease and decay spreading and killing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my mom too. Basically I have gradually stepped back.

The poster complaining about cut off are taking something complex and making it simple. Cut off as someone once on DCUM said it "death by a 1000 papercuts." You get therapy. You try strategies and you set boundaries. You chose battles and over a period of YEARS the relationship gets more and more toxic rather than less. Cut off is the last straw when you have tried everything and you health and sanity cannot take one more second of this BS. During my brief cutoff I was healthier. I am healthier with the distant relationship. I don't know anyone who cutoff out of the blue and the people i know who did it gradually over time seem happier.

This is so similar to me. I too gradually stepped back, less phones, no phone calls, less visits, now no visits, text only relationship. The relationship is toxic and for me it ended up causing me to start having panic attacks if I was to see my mother. I too have been healthier with a distant relationship. It is death by a 1000 paper cuts. For me a break was needed to be able to recover. Staying around the critical judgement was too hard to be around and heal. Time away can be very healing. Then sometimes you are able to handle small doses of interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who has cut off a parent and is honest with themselves would be telling a person to weigh the positives and the negatives -- not pretending there are no negatives. The negatives are profound. Most people would be better off with a mother who torments them than being estranged from their mother. Being estranged doesn't really make the mother go away -- she will always be there, like a phantom limb. It's still a massive mind game and takes a huge amount of discipline not to "go there."

Think long and hard before making this choice. PPs asking for advice about this subject rarely give examples that justify estrangement, and yet all those who have cut off their mothers (or others) jump on to recommend it highly. That's not right.

NP. The loss doesn’t occur when the adult child cuts off the parent. The loss has already happened because the parent is toxic. It is almost irrelevant whether the adult child does or does not cut off the parent. The adult child will always feel dissatisfied. It’s not like there is a great answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I write this? Are you me? I have so much to say and will try to post more tomorrow. I am exhausted right now.

Oh my gosh, you could both be me. Wish I knew you both IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I write this? Are you me? I have so much to say and will try to post more tomorrow. I am exhausted right now.

Oh my gosh, you could both be me. Wish I knew you both IRL.

Me too! It would be so helpful to be able to talk to people who understand

-op

[Anonymous]

Let me say I found I had to do this as well I one point. Think it lasted a year, maybe two. But I had been clearly setting boundaries she would not respect, so she knew what the issues were when I did disconnect. Happy to say she was able to change. Hard to remember the bad times now. But think the break was necessary to facilitate the change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me say I found I had to do this as well I one point. Think it lasted a year, maybe two. But I had been clearly setting boundaries she would not respect, so she knew what the issues were when I did disconnect. Happy to say she was able to change. Hard to remember the bad times now. But think the break was necessary to facilitate the change

It is good to hear that worked out!! I have posted before but as I reflect, I miss absolutely nothing and have no regrets. I spent so many years doing all the things to make it work and getting abuse in return. When my husband and then child were ill I reached my breaking point. I was not human to my mother. I was a verbal punching bag and a personal servant and that is it. I still think back and wonder how I survived that for so long. Somehow she had a role in mind for me as she aged. She never discussed it with me and got my input. She decided I owed her everything and anything less made me an entitled brat. She did not care when I had surgery, but yet I kept going back and trying to please her. Then the hardships kept coming and I had to decide my family I created, the family that actually loves me back gets the all of me. There were thousands of points of erosion, but it all crumbled to the ground with the final adversities and her utter selfishness. She apologizes for nothing. A sincere apology would make me think that maybe she has an ounce of caring or self-awareness or basic decency. It would not make up for it all, but I truly could forgive her. I would not go back to allowing her to treat me poorly for even a second, but I could love her. I don't think i can love someone who kicked me down verbally at every chance she could when I have been through utter hell these past few years.