I feel like I have forced myself to a crossroads

[Anonymous]

I have a terrible mother. She’s not always terrible, but she is occasionally and somewhat unpredictably intensely cruel. These storms arise and you have to wait her out essentially and she will return to her baseline personality which is selfish and annoying but not overtly abusive. She complained recently about our relationship always being kind of fraught and tension filled. And it is! Because I’m always braced for a storm. In her mind I’m overly sensitive and she rewrites the event in her mind so that it was not that bad or totally justified or something just entirely different.

Anyway, she had one of these episodes on me on Monday and made me cry in the middle of a doctors office. Totally unexpected incredibly cruelty. And the first time in awhile after convincing me to let my guard down a bit in recent months. I have been in therapy and I just hung up on her and then blocked her number. And now it’s like 6 days later and I have not unblocked her number and the longer it goes the more it feels like a thing.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I was once prepared to cut her out of my life but then a series of real and unexpected tragedies befell our family and I felt like I just could not do it. But a decade later, I’m not sure.

[Anonymous]

Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with her? If the bad far outweighs the good, then protect yourself and pull away.

[Anonymous]

Did I write this? Are you me? I have so much to say and will try to post more tomorrow. I am exhausted right now.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I had a similar epiphany years ago. Before that, I tolerated my mother, her constant nagging and sometimes cruel lectures and put-downs. My husband and I had some problems that made us lean on her on occasion, but one day she overstepped, and it was just a very natural decision to cut her off. After 6 months of no contact, my husband persuaded me to start communicating with her again. Ever since, she's been much more circumspect. She's not a bad person, but she had no boundaries, and her hypercricitism was a result of her anxieties on my behalf.

I'm not sure your mother can reform, here's hoping. Let it evolve naturally and don't be pushed into something you feel uncomfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to think of it as forever - maybe just a good long break, six months or so. And then reassess. Just because she’s your mother does not give her the right to abuse you, and you have every right to protect yourself from harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to think of it as forever - maybe just a good long break, six months or so. And then reassess. Just because she’s your mother does not give her the right to abuse you, and you have every right to protect yourself from harm.

And it’s also okay to cut her off permanently.

[Anonymous]

No need to decide anything now. You can unblock when you feel ready. Accept it is possible you may never feel ready.

[Anonymous]

I hit a wall with my mother this week as well. I am considering no contact. I can always change my mind but let's see how long until she even notices I've cut her out of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hit a wall with my mother this week as well. I am considering no contact. I can always change my mind but let's see how long until she even notices I've cut her out of our lives.

This is op, I think she noticed, she’s started calling me from alternate phone numbers, which makes me kind is sick to my stomach but I have not answered for once. One of the family tragedies, I missed about 15 phone calls that day and really profoundly was affected by it. My phone was just on silent it wasn’t intentional but she knows I compulsively answer the phone ever since. But I have not this week. I don’t know why this was the one time too many for me. I’m sure she thought it would never happen I’m too prone to feeling guilt and obligation

[Anonymous]

Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need to decide anything now. You can unblock when you feel ready. Accept it is possible you may never feel ready.

Or she may decide to protect herself emotionally from OP, too. Why would she continue to allow herself to be at risk of being cut off like that? She may realize it's too painful and precarious for her, too. You want that unending commitment but you're not valuing it on your end, either. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I write this? Are you me? I have so much to say and will try to post more tomorrow. I am exhausted right now.

Same here. It’s exhausting and sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hit a wall with my mother this week as well. I am considering no contact. I can always change my mind but let's see how long until she even notices I've cut her out of our lives.

This is op, I think she noticed, she’s started calling me from alternate phone numbers, which makes me kind is sick to my stomach but I have not answered for once. One of the family tragedies, I missed about 15 phone calls that day and really profoundly was affected by it. My phone was just on silent it wasn’t intentional but she knows I compulsively answer the phone ever since. But I have not this week. I don’t know why this was the one time too many for me. I’m sure she thought it would never happen I’m too prone to feeling guilt and obligation

This is your inner self sending you a message, OP. Just go with it, and don't force yourself to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.