I feel like I have forced myself to a crossroads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

Because you’re someone like my mother angry someone finally cut them off? I’m not sure but you speak with virtually no empathy for this position so it’s difficult to believe you’ve been in it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

Let's repeat. Each of us talk from our own experience. OP can make up her own mind, especially as in this instance, it happened so naturally that there seems to be very little conscious decision. I think OP feels like a trial period of no contact is best for her. "Cutting off" implies an intent and a planned duration. OP's situation is more organic, and nothing stops her from renewing contact at any time. I think she's operating in a very healthy way, actually.

I'm the poster who decided to cut-off my mother for 6 months. It was very beneficial to our relationship. I'm not saying the same will happen to OP, but I think that she needs to listen to her own feelings here, more than to yours or mine.

[Anonymous]

Op my relationship with my mother is hypercritical as well. After a couple of episodes back to back I needed a break. I took it and eventually went back to texting and a couple of phone calls. I haven't seen her in person for a couple of years.

I had to realise that she wasn't going to change. I had to learn to see how I was contributing to the dynamic and I had to learn not to react. I am still not ready to see her though. It's ok to take a break but use the time wisely. Read some books, see a counsellor etc do whatever works for you to help you accept it. It's not an easy relationship and it's hard to accept these types rarely change. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

And yet, for some people it does not "get worse." Stop speaking in absolutes from your unrelated case with a sample size of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

And yet, for some people it does not "get worse." Stop speaking in absolutes from your unrelated case with a sample size of one.

How many years out are you?

[Anonymous]

This is my mom too. Basically I have gradually stepped back. First I saw her less frequently and changed the subject more and she just got angrier and would get nasty on the phone. So, I saw her even less in person and limited phone calls. No matter how short the phone call she had to throw barbs. So I stopped calling and used text, but I found getting verbal daggers by text upsetting. Switched to email and I had a file just for her and only checked it when I could hand it.

The more life stressors that hit the more I saw she had little empathy and would tantrum and make it about her. After my husband had just gotten out of the hospital from a major health emergency and I got a nasty gram from her I had reached my limit. I set the final boundary that absolutely zero abuse would be tolerated. Didn't hear from her for maybe 4 or 5 months and it was easier to breathe. Now we just have a very distant relationship. Much, much better. She has always treated distant relatives better than she treats me. If she crosses the line into abuse again I will remind her of the boundary and not respond to any disrespect.

I have quite a few friends and relatives who repeatedly got sucked into the cycle of abuse with their moms like I did. What I saw is it took a toll on our healthy. When friends started having things like strokes, heart issues, etc and that was what forced major boundaries, I realized as part of preventative care I needed to have more boundaries and if she didn't accept them keep distancing. I am fortunate I did this before major health events. Some parents truly will eat their own young to get their needs met.

The poster complaining about cut off are taking something complex and making it simple. Cut off as someone once on DCUM said it "death by a 1000 papercuts." You get therapy. You try strategies and you set boundaries. You chose battles and over a period of YEARS the relationship gets more and more toxic rather than less. Cut off is the last straw when you have tried everything and you health and sanity cannot take one more second of this BS. During my brief cutoff I was healthier. I am healthier with the distant relationship. I don't know anyone who cutoff out of the blue and the people i know who did it gradually over time seem happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

If you cutoff due to abusive behavior and you tried to make the relationship healthier and you got therapy and nothing seemed to help, then I am concerned things got worse for you once you finally released yourself from the toxicity. I would strongly suggest you get help because it sounds like you are at risk for abusive romantic relationships and friendships as well if you struggle with a decision to say I cannot tolerate one more second of being a verbal punching bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

With all due respect you don’t know me. And you don’t know her. I assume you’re not speaking from the vantage point of a victim of this type of relationship

Why in the world would I post that if I didn't speak from experience???

The point is that everyone's experience is different.

Yes and most people on these threads are just giving advice out of the asses. "Cut her off -- you'll feel so much better!" I used to feel that way. "Best thing I ever did -- wish I had done it sooner." Wait a few years. See how you feel in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.

And yet, for some people it does not "get worse." Stop speaking in absolutes from your unrelated case with a sample size of one.

How many years out are you?

DP. I cut my mother off 25 years before she died. Cutting her off continues to be the healthiest thing I've ever done. I have no regrets and the only thing I mourn is that I never had a true mother. I had a genetic relationship with someone who fed and clothed me for a while. Harsh but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.

NP but in many cases (not all!) this is BS. You can become as emotionally mature as is almost humanly possible, and the abuse can still take a toll. It's not strictly true that "If you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, you shouldn't tolerate it from your mother." She is your mother, and all that entails. But it is true at the point where the bad far, far outweighs the good, if it even exists at all.

It's further true that even if you still have a way to go in terms of "handling your own emotions and not letting her control them," that shouldn't preclude you from AT LEAST taking an indefinite break. You don't necessarily have to "earn" the right to cut off abuse just because, in theory or someday, you may have the capacity to let it bother you less. The facts are that the OP can't handle her mother's cruelty right now. It's completely fine to cut off the source of her distress while she "emotionally matures." In fact, it will be easier to get to the point where abusive behavior bothers her less if she's not constantly being subjected to it-- if she has some distance! And it's also fair to say that there may never-- and maybe SHOULD never-- come a time when some cruelties can be tolerated at all. It's not "being controlled by someone else" to be disturbed by something intended to disturb you.

[Anonymous]

Shorter:

OP: I keep treating my flea bites and slathering myself in bug repellant, but I keep getting bitten and never really heal, and the bites are getting infected. I'm thinking it's because this hotel room is infested with fleas and the owner refuses to do anything about it. I'm getting rid of most of my stuff and switching to a different hotel.

PP: First off, you need stronger bug spray. Buy your own cleaning supplies and a flea bomb and then stay in the bathroom and the fleas won't bother you so much.