Using family as a sperm donor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

DP. I’m thoughtful, generous and willing to help. I’d be willing to carry a pregnancy for my sibling. I’d make a monetary gift if funds were an issue. I’d provide plenty of emotional and practical support. But I’m not donating eggs to anyone because I don’t think I could step back and treat that child like they were just my sibling’s or cousin’s child. I’m not sure I could have a healthy relationship with the child or my relative (child’s parent). I wouldn’t decline because I’m unwilling to help; I would decline because I think the experience would negatively impact my familial relationships.

+1

I would have a hard donating an egg and not feeling like the child is mine to some degree. The stress of it is going badly for the child. The poignancy if I fell in love with the child. Lots of weird potential. That said, I know a lesbian couple who is using the egg from one wife and the sperm from the other wife's twin brother. So far so good in terms of the relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

Puke!! This is all kinds of messed up. I agree that you should not ask family members for their genetic material. They don’t want to be a parent.

It’s a few cells! It’s not “being a parent!!”

You sound weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

DP. I’m thoughtful, generous and willing to help. I’d be willing to carry a pregnancy for my sibling. I’d make a monetary gift if funds were an issue. I’d provide plenty of emotional and practical support. But I’m not donating eggs to anyone because I don’t think I could step back and treat that child like they were just my sibling’s or cousin’s child. I’m not sure I could have a healthy relationship with the child or my relative (child’s parent). I wouldn’t decline because I’m unwilling to help; I would decline because I think the experience would negatively impact my familial relationships.

You are more than entitled to that perspective. But there are many people who would happily be egg or sperm donors for those in need and would not feel like they were the child’s parents. The only way for someone to know is to ask. They should not be insulted if told no but no one should ever feel insulted to be asked either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

DP. I’m thoughtful, generous and willing to help. I’d be willing to carry a pregnancy for my sibling. I’d make a monetary gift if funds were an issue. I’d provide plenty of emotional and practical support. But I’m not donating eggs to anyone because I don’t think I could step back and treat that child like they were just my sibling’s or cousin’s child. I’m not sure I could have a healthy relationship with the child or my relative (child’s parent). I wouldn’t decline because I’m unwilling to help; I would decline because I think the experience would negatively impact my familial relationships.

You are more than entitled to that perspective. But there are many people who would happily be egg or sperm donors for those in need and would not feel like they were the child’s parents. The only way for someone to know is to ask. They should not be insulted if told no but no one should ever feel insulted to be asked either.

This is utterly crazy and entitled. Absolutely nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, just use a donor.

+1 !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

DP. I’m thoughtful, generous and willing to help. I’d be willing to carry a pregnancy for my sibling. I’d make a monetary gift if funds were an issue. I’d provide plenty of emotional and practical support. But I’m not donating eggs to anyone because I don’t think I could step back and treat that child like they were just my sibling’s or cousin’s child. I’m not sure I could have a healthy relationship with the child or my relative (child’s parent). I wouldn’t decline because I’m unwilling to help; I would decline because I think the experience would negatively impact my familial relationships.

You are more than entitled to that perspective. But there are many people who would happily be egg or sperm donors for those in need and would not feel like they were the child’s parents. The only way for someone to know is to ask. They should not be insulted if told no but no one should ever feel insulted to be asked either.

This is utterly crazy and entitled. Absolutely nuts.

Entitled… to ask someone you love and trust if they can help you at your lowest moment, without being mad if you say no? I don’t think you know what that word means.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do it because I think it has potential to create too many issues for the child. If you tell them, then they spend their whole life wondering why their father gave them away. If you don’t and they do DNA testing they will find out and then everyone has potential to be the bad guy for not being open and not allowing the father to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do it because I think it has potential to create too many issues for the child. If you tell them, then they spend their whole life wondering why their father gave them away. If you don’t and they do DNA testing they will find out and then everyone has potential to be the bad guy for not being open and not allowing the father to parent.

Many studies show donor conceived children are well-adjusted and that it is best to tell them early on. Issues with this set up stem from people who had no idea finding out from a DNA test later in life. There are children's books on the topic for kids like this and many therapists who specialize in this issue. The donor will not be the “father” but a donor. OP’s husband will be the father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed DE, asked my sister, and was devastated when she refused. We ended up going anonymous instead and in the end I think that was the right choice for us, avoiding all kinds of legal and emotional land mines. My kid is awesome, by the way, and bizarrely, looks a lot like me (people always remark on it), even though the donor looks nothing like me!

But there's definitely the appeal of a genetic connection and known history.

I would have refused and I am very close to my siblings. It seems pretty entitled to even ask.

I see nothing entitled about asking a simple question. Hope others are more thoughtful, generous, and willing to help than you seem to be.

DP. I’m thoughtful, generous and willing to help. I’d be willing to carry a pregnancy for my sibling. I’d make a monetary gift if funds were an issue. I’d provide plenty of emotional and practical support. But I’m not donating eggs to anyone because I don’t think I could step back and treat that child like they were just my sibling’s or cousin’s child. I’m not sure I could have a healthy relationship with the child or my relative (child’s parent). I wouldn’t decline because I’m unwilling to help; I would decline because I think the experience would negatively impact my familial relationships.

You are more than entitled to that perspective. But there are many people who would happily be egg or sperm donors for those in need and would not feel like they were the child’s parents. The only way for someone to know is to ask. They should not be insulted if told no but no one should ever feel insulted to be asked either.

This is utterly crazy and entitled. Absolutely nuts.

Entitled… to ask someone you love and trust if they can help you at your lowest moment, without being mad if you say no? I don’t think you know what that word means.

DP. The person you responded to sure is stuck on the word “entitled.”

I don’t think she comprehends what the word entitled actually means.