Using family as a sperm donor

[Anonymous]

My husband has azoospermia and we aren't very optimistic that he will have a successful tese.

We are continuing to think about a sperm donor and have read stories about using a known friend/family.

We don't have any friends we would feel comfortable asking. But DH has a cousin he used to be close with now we just see each other at events or the grandparents house. They have two kids.

Would it be weird to ask them? Anyone used a friend or family?

[Anonymous]

I’m a lesbian with two kids. When my wife and I were starting to plan our family, we quickly landed at using an anonymous sperm donor. Why? We knew that parenting with two people would be a challenge and didn’t want to add in another person. We didn’t want to go through the legal work it would take as well as the risk around HIV. Using an anonymous donor took care of all of that. I don’t ever worry that someone will change their mind and demand custody.

There are donors that the child can contact once they turn 18 if that is something that is important.

We have friends that have used a friend or family member as a donor, and it’s worked out fine for them. For us, it was important to keep it anonymous. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable asking a family member that already had kids. If they’re married, their spouse may feel uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be worth it to possibly upset our relationship.

Just another perspective to consider. There are many right ways to approach your situation. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

You need to check your local laws about whether the biological father would always have a claim. It varies.

[Anonymous]

That would be asking a family member to have another child in this world—a child they will likely occasionally see—and set them up for that child to grow up and someday ask them, “But how could you not have been my DAD? You knew I was your biological daughter,” etc. With a sperm donor, they’ve already wrestled with any qualms about a child of theirs walking the Earth unknown to them, and have given up any type of legal claim. They’ve also been screened for STDs, etc. (Yes, even a friend or family member can not realize they have one.)

[Anonymous]

No, just use a donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a lesbian with two kids. When my wife and I were starting to plan our family, we quickly landed at using an anonymous sperm donor. Why? We knew that parenting with two people would be a challenge and didn’t want to add in another person. We didn’t want to go through the legal work it would take as well as the risk around HIV. Using an anonymous donor took care of all of that. I don’t ever worry that someone will change their mind and demand custody.

There are donors that the child can contact once they turn 18 if that is something that is important.

We have friends that have used a friend or family member as a donor, and it’s worked out fine for them. For us, it was important to keep it anonymous. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable asking a family member that already had kids. If they’re married, their spouse may feel uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be worth it to possibly upset our relationship.

Just another perspective to consider. There are many right ways to approach your situation. Good luck to you.

Another queer parent here — this was almost our logic. I originally thought a known donor might be nice but the more I looked into it the more the legal and emotional complications stressed me out. We ended up going with an open access donor (kids can contact him at 18).

[Anonymous]

No, absolutely not. Too many legal implications.

[Anonymous]

So this is known as "WV approach"?

[Anonymous]

A lesbian person I know used a friend. They had a lawyer friend draw up a legal document that releases the friend of any financial or other obligation. The friend has met the resulting child and sends a birthday present, but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t let my husband give his sperm. Sorry not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let my husband give his sperm. Sorry not sorry.

Same. And my DH wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either.

[Anonymous]

I would do it. I just dont like the idea of using anonymous donor. I struggled with this when my doctor suggested donor egg. Its hard. good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you are not close then it would be super weird to ask.

[Anonymous]

The azoospermia might be genetic. My husband has it and his mom and aunt are suspiciously far apart in age.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's weird to ask someone who is married and with his own family, and you may not be able to recover from the subsequent awkwardness or hurt feelings if he says no, which is pretty likely.

That said, my wife and I (another lesbian couple here) DID use a known donor/friend. I can definitely make a case either way for anon vs. known donors but for US, this felt right. We wanted full access to the donor's medical history, we didn't want him to be this huge God-like unknown entity, and we were totally fine having HIS family involved to a certain extent as a third set of grandparents/aunts/uncles. We refer to him as an uncle and he is actually VERY minimally involved, lives out of state, etc. Also gay and doesn't want his own kids so there isn't that awkwardness you might have asking someone with his own family (since your kids would be half-siblings with his).

Best of luck, OP.