Reply to Why is loneliness in middle age a taboo?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in a similar boat.  I have reached out to people, but for whatever reason, nothing positive has come out of it.  I have tried volunteering, but it's been more of an individual activity than I realized. I started a book club, but that also has not led to friendships, only acquaintances.

Some posts have mentioned meetups and social groups.  Would someone be able to post some specific examples or links?

I'm sorry to hear that so many are struggling, and I hope we all find some connections.[/quote]

I hear you and I feel your pain.

I am the OP of this thread. Just like you I feel that I only attract acquaintances but no one moves from 'acquaintance' or 'casual friend' to close/best friend.

My husband and I live in a small community. It's very pretty and safe, and it's generally a very friendly place to live. When we moved here I thought it would be super easy to make friends, but this is not necessarily the case.

Some women are cliquey. Not in an unfriendly or nasty way, but they seem to have a select group of friends and I am not one of them, even after living here for 15+ years. In the meantime they remain cordial and friendly but nothing more. The relationship remains stagnant. Reaching out to them to form a closer friendship just doesn't work.
I don't know if it is me or them.

I wish there were a dating site, but just for friends!
[/quote]

I don't think it's you - I think it's your situation.  I am also child-free and a bit older than you.  In my opinion, I think that motherhood is such an important and defining part of most women's lives that there may be a subconscious bias when it comes to women who are not.  You may understand this feeling as do I since we are child-free. Plus, the simple fact is that women's children usually DO become the primary focus of their time, activities, interests, etc.

Then grandkids come along and in some cases focus on the grandkids becomes all consuming. I have long-term female friends my age who are never "all in" on getting together simply because they don't want to miss out on any potential opportunity to be immediately available, babysit, or otherwise spend time with the grandkids.  Want to make plans to have lunch?  "Oh, that sounds great unless I need to babysit grandskid(s) at the last minute." I understand that but a friendship never feels good when it's on the back burner.

I've found my conversations differ, too.  Understandably, those with kids/grandkids tend to talk more about them and there is not much I can contribute other than superficially since I simply don't know what it's like to be a parent myself - and that is reason enough to keep my lip zipped on any opinion I may have about their situations. When I am with my friends who are child-free we talk about life in general, activities we do, and topics which are more wide-ranging.  I think this makes it easier to bond/form friendships as we have some fundamental, common bonds.  Just like women who are mothers tend to have that as a common bond. This is my experience FWIW.

I guess I don't have any specific advice other than you are not alone.  I've done the volunteering, joining groups, etc. and it has been of limited success.  I've met one friend through volunteering who is older than me but has a similar background, same sense of humor, and her children/grandkids are older and live cross country.  We seem to have made a good connection and get together a couple of times per month.  It takes time but I believe you will find your "people" - just don't give up!  If something isn't working, try something else.

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