Can I divorce my husband over furniture?
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Anonymous
| You’re not compatible. Just leave him. This is something that clearly impacts your day to day happiness and it’s not going to change. Today it will be a side table and tomorrow you’ll want to get a different bed frame. Just separate so you can have your own space. Or tell him you need it and if he isn’t willing to compromise you’re out. |
Anonymous
| Yes. Of course. It's called Irreconcilable Differences. |
Anonymous
| I would tell him new furniture is cheaper than a divorce. |
Anonymous
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Being on the same page about finances is incredibly important.
Part of this discussion should include how much you'd both be willing to spend on new furniture, and how much you have in your savings and your general financial health. But yes, working together to make big purchases is important. And if you can't do that, I do think divorcing could be an option. |
Anonymous
OP here. When we go into other peoples homes, I am livid as I too would like to have a nice living arrangement. His mother and sister have beautifully decorated homes with designer items. I do not see how he acts like he grew up in a shed. |
Anonymous
| OP, whether he is being unreasonable depends on a lot of factors -- how much you want to spend and on what, how that fits within your overall budget, etc. But yes, you can divorce for no reason at all, but if he is being reasonable, why would you? |
Anonymous
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Do this: order furniture. Have it delivered. If your husband says something about it, explain that you are a grown ass adult and you don't take orders from him.
You're welcome. |
Anonymous
Ask him if he believes that nobody could ever value something that he doesn't personally value. Ask him if he cares about your happiness. |
Anonymous
NP. OP, you've had some solid answers given here but you have returned to reply to a post about other people's furniture. Please try to see the bigger issue as some here are urging you to do. Take your focus off the furniture issue, what you want, what others have. Yes it sucks but are you missing the real problem here? Surely, surely this is not the one and only area in which he is like this? Is it? If he has this visceral reaction to spending a dime on an end table, surely he also freaks at -- what else, OP? Make yourself a list. You don't have to share it here and feed curiosity, but you do need to sit and assess for yourself whether furniture is REALLY the issue here. Does he carp about the grocery bill and insist on generic brands only? Does he "forbid" you to suggest going to restaurants because he thinks they're a waste of money? Does he know if you buy a new piece of clothing or shoes and does he freak out over that and berate you for it? Does he think that the money you have in the bank might disappear somehow and he's suspicious and leery about the money you do have? Does he irrationally fear losing his job, or you losing yours? What else does he "forbid"? If you've read all the posts, you know that your language saying he "forbids" things is throwing red flags everywhere to everyone here. Several people have asked you HOW he "forbids" you but you haven't responded. If the word was hyperbole, that's one thing, but if it isn't -- what does his forbidding look like and why do you put up with it? What else does he forbid? Someone suggested that she or he had a spouse who had fixated on spending, and it turned out spouse had terrible anxiety that needed treatment. Treatment ended the "you can't spend any money!" issues. Have you considered that? Is DH OK in other ways and focuses all his "forbidding" and money worries on furnishings alone, so maybe this is really about his needing a focus for possibly treatable anxiety? Do you still love him enough to step back from your anger about the furniture (and it's understandable anger, I get it!) and focus yourself instead on getting him to agree to an evaluation? Maybe you're already thinking about all this -- if it's a manifestation of a mental condition, if he's truly controlling/forbidding which is abusive behavior, if he is this controlling about expenditures in other areas besides furniture. I hope you're already seeing the bigger picture beyond end tables and sofas. I think for me, job one would be considering whether this is a CHANGE from the person you used to know, and if it's a change, that is a sign he may be undergoing anxiety or other mental health issues that need fast and serious help. If you love the person under the money mania, I'd first see if there is a larger mental health issue at play here. But meanwhile, the "forbidding" thing -- if it's truly his blocking you financially or physically -- would not stand. |
Anonymous
| Have you told us what precludes you from purchasing furniture? I wanted bedroom furniture early in our marriage because we had the old bachelor furniture which may have been his childhood bedroom furniture. Husband wouldn't budge but said if you want it, buy it. I bought an inexpensive set from a low-end furniture store. 24 years later we still have that furniture. We are finally replacing it. This time with buy in from DH. Just buy furniture if you can. Don't wait for him to approve. If he throws a fit, maybe you should rethink the relationship. It's not normal to use a cardboard box for an end table. |
Anonymous
DP. Adding to this post: And if they cannot work together re: end tables and general finances, setting budgets, and communicating without "forbidding" going on, they are in for a horrible time when they have children, or when the kids they have (if any) get old enough to want extracurricular activities etc. OP, if he is this uptight about replacing the peeling furniture you describe, imagine how he will react when you want to take a family vacation that is more than X dollars, or when your kid is interested in joining a sports team, taking a dance class (or years of them), doing a summer camp of any kind ever, going to a STEM camp over winter break etc. etc.....If you don't have kids yet, don't have them until he's treated for whatever anxiety etc. is taking this form, because you will spend your kids' lives from 0 to 21 trying to wrest money out of him for everything from sports cleats to school supplies to college tuition. |
Anonymous
| Yes, please do before there are any kids involved. |
Anonymous
Once you start talking "designer items" you lose credibility with me, but I do think you guys need to split. Living like an 18 year old man is offensive. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for your feedback. When I say "forbids" I mean to say that he expresses intense and loud disapproval. Getting angry or frustrated and urging me to "stop spending money!"
When I say I am happy to buy it with "my paycheck" he tells me to not and to "keep my money" as a recession is coming. I suppose I could go ahead and buy what I want anyway, but I feel uncomfortable doing that as I always imagined a couple agreeing on bigger purchases especially if they are for the home. I am sad when I see husbands and wives go furniture shopping together or planning decor for a room together and buying and selecting furniture is a fun bonding nesting experience. So here I either not buy anything or go ahead and buy things without his input and potentially have him get angry and yell at me. |
Anonymous
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OP I used to be in the camp of “if no kids divorce immediately!” But now I think that relationships are a good time to learn dispute resolution skills.
First, calm down. Your anger is valid but to get what you want, you need to be much more calm. Then thoughtfully look at the advice offered here and see what you think might be most effective. Again, use your rational mind. Approach the situation with curiosity and respect for both you and your partner. If that all doesn’t work, get divorced for sure, but you’ll have gotten practice working things out in a relationship. That’s the kind of skill you need and it sucks when you are learning it on the father of your children you’re stuck with forever and your mistakes in communication can have big consequences. |