Can I divorce my husband over furniture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to OP his concerns include:
1. He just paid for an expensive international trip she wanted to go on.
2. He is concerned about the economy because he fears a recession. NOTE: FACT = >8% inflation (>15% if using historical calculation method)
3. He pays for all HH expenses because as she put it he wants her to keep all her earned income.

This does not sound like an abusive situation from his end. He is doing what a husband is supposed to do. He is making sure the family is financially stable and ALSO providing nice things (i.e., expensive international trips).

The OP simply isn't on the same page as her husband. She doesn't want to walk down that financially conservative path that he husband is trying to lead the family down.
When it comes to compromise according to the OP the ONLY person compromising is her husband. He essentially gave up trying to convince her and told her "do what you want."

I can imagine, also, that because they are in an apartment the husband expects that they will eventually relocate to a home and in addition to items 1,2,3 above is wondering "why spend money on stuff for this temporary living situation which probably will not match the décor of our future home."

If you want to divorce over furniture then you should get a divorce ASAP. Don't have kids and get your divorce. It will be better for him in the long run. You are not suited for marriage.

“He’s doing what a husband is supposed to do.”

How old are you? Righty? Did you do a purity ball? Is this Brunch Grandma?

Most people think it’s normal, even in a recession, to pay good money for a high-quality used nightstand. If you think that is inappropriate then fine, but you’re not like most people.

[Anonymous]

No. But why not re-upholster your chairs yourself? Go to joanne fabrics and home depot get a staple gun and fabric or repaint the chairs too? Compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to OP his concerns include:
1. He just paid for an expensive international trip she wanted to go on.
2. He is concerned about the economy because he fears a recession. NOTE: FACT = >8% inflation (>15% if using historical calculation method)
3. He pays for all HH expenses because as she put it he wants her to keep all her earned income.

This does not sound like an abusive situation from his end. He is doing what a husband is supposed to do. He is making sure the family is financially stable and ALSO providing nice things (i.e., expensive international trips).

The OP simply isn't on the same page as her husband. She doesn't want to walk down that financially conservative path that he husband is trying to lead the family down.
When it comes to compromise according to the OP the ONLY person compromising is her husband. He essentially gave up trying to convince her and told her "do what you want."

I can imagine, also, that because they are in an apartment the husband expects that they will eventually relocate to a home and in addition to items 1,2,3 above is wondering "why spend money on stuff for this temporary living situation which probably will not match the décor of our future home."

If you want to divorce over furniture then you should get a divorce ASAP. Don't have kids and get your divorce. It will be better for him in the long run. You are not suited for marriage.

“He’s doing what a husband is supposed to do.”

How old are you? Righty? Did you do a purity ball? Is this Brunch Grandma?

Most people think it’s normal, even in a recession, to pay good money for a high-quality used nightstand. If you think that is inappropriate then fine, but you’re not like most people.

Well, I apologize. I didn't realize that in 2022 a husband has no responsibility for the family finances. Your right he is a jerk for paying all HH expenses. in that case, I guess OP should step herself up and start paying for everything herself and letting her husband keep all "his" money. (yeah, this is sarcasm) Sarcasm aside, you sound kind of bonkers to associate husbands trying to provide for their family as outdated. Are you seriously indicating that women get married to men and not not expect the husband to contribute to the financial security of the family? If he isn't supposed to be doing that then what is he supposed to be doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to OP his concerns include:
1. He just paid for an expensive international trip she wanted to go on.
2. He is concerned about the economy because he fears a recession. NOTE: FACT = >8% inflation (>15% if using historical calculation method)
3. He pays for all HH expenses because as she put it he wants her to keep all her earned income.

This does not sound like an abusive situation from his end. He is doing what a husband is supposed to do. He is making sure the family is financially stable and ALSO providing nice things (i.e., expensive international trips).

The OP simply isn't on the same page as her husband. She doesn't want to walk down that financially conservative path that he husband is trying to lead the family down.
When it comes to compromise according to the OP the ONLY person compromising is her husband. He essentially gave up trying to convince her and told her "do what you want."

I can imagine, also, that because they are in an apartment the husband expects that they will eventually relocate to a home and in addition to items 1,2,3 above is wondering "why spend money on stuff for this temporary living situation which probably will not match the décor of our future home."

If you want to divorce over furniture then you should get a divorce ASAP. Don't have kids and get your divorce. It will be better for him in the long run. You are not suited for marriage.

“He’s doing what a husband is supposed to do.”

How old are you? Righty? Did you do a purity ball? Is this Brunch Grandma?

Most people think it’s normal, even in a recession, to pay good money for a high-quality used nightstand. If you think that is inappropriate then fine, but you’re not like most people.

Well, I apologize. I didn't realize that in 2022 a husband has no responsibility for the family finances. Your right he is a jerk for paying all HH expenses. in that case, I guess OP should step herself up and start paying for everything herself and letting her husband keep all "his" money. (yeah, this is sarcasm) Sarcasm aside, you sound kind of bonkers to associate husbands trying to provide for their family as outdated. Are you seriously indicating that women get married to men and not not expect the husband to contribute to the financial security of the family? If he isn't supposed to be doing that then what is he supposed to be doing?

They’re partners. This whole “his money”, “her money” thing is pointless, since in the end the money belongs to both of them. They are both responsible for the financial well-being of the family. In a partnership, both parties wants and needs matter as well. Assuming they have a good income, it’s perfectly reasonable for op to want furniture that’s a step up from IKEA/Target. How she wants to live counts too.

If you’re going to say that the husband is responsible for the financial well-being of the family, then you have to also say that he is responsible for the emotional well-being of the family also. He can’t just run roughshod over his wife’s feelings as unimportant because they don’t match his thoughts on the subject. That doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to OP his concerns include:
1. He just paid for an expensive international trip she wanted to go on.
2. He is concerned about the economy because he fears a recession. NOTE: FACT = >8% inflation (>15% if using historical calculation method)
3. He pays for all HH expenses because as she put it he wants her to keep all her earned income.

This does not sound like an abusive situation from his end. He is doing what a husband is supposed to do. He is making sure the family is financially stable and ALSO providing nice things (i.e., expensive international trips).

The OP simply isn't on the same page as her husband. She doesn't want to walk down that financially conservative path that he husband is trying to lead the family down.
When it comes to compromise according to the OP the ONLY person compromising is her husband. He essentially gave up trying to convince her and told her "do what you want."

I can imagine, also, that because they are in an apartment the husband expects that they will eventually relocate to a home and in addition to items 1,2,3 above is wondering "why spend money on stuff for this temporary living situation which probably will not match the décor of our future home."

If you want to divorce over furniture then you should get a divorce ASAP. Don't have kids and get your divorce. It will be better for him in the long run. You are not suited for marriage.

OP here. I understand the fears around a recession. My $700 much needed side tables would not endanger our financial security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did not "forbid me" from buying furniture but this was definitely an issue early in our relationship. He was still very much in the mode that if we could technically furnish our apartment with stuff he found on the street, we did not need to buy anything, and certainly not anything high quality that might actually last, be comfortable, or work properly.

I just had to work on him. First I argued with him about why furnishing our home with decent furniture was an investment in our own comfort and happiness. One thing that helped with this is that he developed back problems he was convinced were related to our mattress. I said "oh, then we should buy a new mattress." Which we did, with him freaking out the whole time about how much mattresses cost. But each time he tried to cheap out, I asked "What is the point in spending $400 on a mattress that will hurt your back? Isn't it worth it to spend $900 or $1000 on a good quality mattress that will be comfortable? You sleep on it every night." That was the beginning of him starting to understand the value in spending money (which we could absolutely afford) on furniture.

I also just had to acclimate him to the cost of furniture so that he understood that when I suggested we buy a lamp for $150, I was actually being frugal. He had this childish idea that all furniture should cost less than $100 because he'd only ever shopped at IKEA. Once he understood the actual range of costs for furniture, and saw what furniture that you didn't have to assemble and that wasn't made of composite materials looked like, he became more open to buying higher quality things.

DP - to this poster I say good for you, but to women everywhere I say - you are not morally or legally obligated to finish raising a child like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to OP his concerns include:
1. He just paid for an expensive international trip she wanted to go on.
2. He is concerned about the economy because he fears a recession. NOTE: FACT = >8% inflation (>15% if using historical calculation method)
3. He pays for all HH expenses because as she put it he wants her to keep all her earned income.

This does not sound like an abusive situation from his end. He is doing what a husband is supposed to do. He is making sure the family is financially stable and ALSO providing nice things (i.e., expensive international trips).

The OP simply isn't on the same page as her husband. She doesn't want to walk down that financially conservative path that he husband is trying to lead the family down.
When it comes to compromise according to the OP the ONLY person compromising is her husband. He essentially gave up trying to convince her and told her "do what you want."

I can imagine, also, that because they are in an apartment the husband expects that they will eventually relocate to a home and in addition to items 1,2,3 above is wondering "why spend money on stuff for this temporary living situation which probably will not match the décor of our future home."

If you want to divorce over furniture then you should get a divorce ASAP. Don't have kids and get your divorce. It will be better for him in the long run. You are not suited for marriage.

“He’s doing what a husband is supposed to do.”

How old are you? Righty? Did you do a purity ball? Is this Brunch Grandma?

Most people think it’s normal, even in a recession, to pay good money for a high-quality used nightstand. If you think that is inappropriate then fine, but you’re not like most people.

Well, I apologize. I didn't realize that in 2022 a husband has no responsibility for the family finances. Your right he is a jerk for paying all HH expenses. in that case, I guess OP should step herself up and start paying for everything herself and letting her husband keep all "his" money. (yeah, this is sarcasm) Sarcasm aside, you sound kind of bonkers to associate husbands trying to provide for their family as outdated. Are you seriously indicating that women get married to men and not not expect the husband to contribute to the financial security of the family? If he isn't supposed to be doing that then what is he supposed to be doing?

They’re partners. This whole “his money”, “her money” thing is pointless, since in the end the money belongs to both of them. They are both responsible for the financial well-being of the family. In a partnership, both parties wants and needs matter as well. Assuming they have a good income, it’s perfectly reasonable for op to want furniture that’s a step up from IKEA/Target. How she wants to live counts too.

If you’re going to say that the husband is responsible for the financial well-being of the family, then you have to also say that he is responsible for the emotional well-being of the family also. He can’t just run roughshod over his wife’s feelings as unimportant because they don’t match his thoughts on the subject. That doesn’t work.

I’m the PP who made the snarky comment about being 80, and this is what I should have said.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger issue I see, and you noted, was that it makes you sad that he does not care that having a nice home is important to you. I agree. I have a good friend that has to run everything by her dh. She is so unhappy and constantly complains. House is pretty bad tbh.

I get being frugal and one needs all the other financial decisions in place like retirement, college funds, emergency funds, etc but I’ll never get how one would deny the other person a lovely home - whatever that is. It is the one place we spend most of our time. We should want to be there.

I have always had a well- decorated living space and I have done that with IKEA, target, home goods as well as high- end stores and antique finds. As I got older and had more money I focused on buying quality pieces. Those pieces last so one needs to recognize that initial outlay higher but you may never need to replace.

Sounds like he’s changing but I’d agree to a monthly allowance for each of you. You save yours until you have what you need for the item you want. My dh supports me on home items so no issue there for us but allowance just gives you a bit of control for whatever your “ thing” is that the other feels is wasteful.

[Anonymous]

Just get a divorce. No kids? Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just told my husband I will buy us side tables. He looked incredulous," with MY money?"

I said, "with OUR money."

He says that he just took me on a big trip abroad and he does not want to spend any money. I told him I am happy to use "MY" money.

He gets angry and says "everyone knows you like to spend and spend!"

I said, "that is not accurate, I am buying side tables with my money."

He rolls his eyes and says, "do whatever you want!" sighs and walks out.

Do you guys have a budget? What’s in the budget for travel and for furniture? The big problem here is that this is not a good argument. It’s just flinging insults back and forth. You haven’t done the work of hashing out a budget in good faith.

[Anonymous]

You can divorce your husband over him eating the last french fry if you want. But is it right? Is it that deep that furniture is more important that the relationship/marriage you have with this man? That's for you to decide.

[Anonymous]

OP you might want to consider that your DH has recently got a hold of some woodworking tools and some fine pieces of pine, and rented a workshop, nearby locally, and has been hard at work building an entirely new set of furniture, as well as making friends with a couple of very talented upholsters to retrofit some favorite older pieces in a way that will bring new color and energy to any room. Has he been stepping out to "run an errand" or "visit a friend" in a way that seems a little off? If so, he may actually be headed to his (and your) workshop to get these pieces completed. Any chance this (or something very much like this) is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do this: order furniture. Have it delivered. If your husband says something about it, explain that you are a grown ass adult and you don't take orders from him.

You're welcome.

THIS! He'll probably just get over it once it happens. If not, then you can start thinking more seriously about the next step for the relationship. But at least you'll have furniture!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you might want to consider that your DH has recently got a hold of some woodworking tools and some fine pieces of pine, and rented a workshop, nearby locally, and has been hard at work building an entirely new set of furniture, as well as making friends with a couple of very talented upholsters to retrofit some favorite older pieces in a way that will bring new color and energy to any room. Has he been stepping out to "run an errand" or "visit a friend" in a way that seems a little off? If so, he may actually be headed to his (and your) workshop to get these pieces completed. Any chance this (or something very much like this) is going on?

Is this the plot of a Hallmark movie?

[Anonymous]

OP this reminds me so much of my ex. I always made more than him but I couldn’t spend my own money on things and when I did it was a whole thing every time. I was able to overlook it when it was just us but it’s awful to see him doing this to our kids. How is your relationship otherwise? I agree with everyone who has said to get out before you have kids because it only gets worse.