Standoffish niece

[Anonymous]

Geez. I would have stopped trying with this brat years ago.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

Maybe OP isn’t likeable? It’s a good lesson to learn in life that not every one is going to like you.

I freaking hate my aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

What do you mean “broach”? Why are you entitled to her to act a certain way around you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

Maybe OP isn’t likeable? It’s a good lesson to learn in life that not every one is going to like you.

I freaking hate my aunt.

Or maybe she doesn't see a reason to build a relationship with OP? Was their a relationship when she was younger?
She could also just not have respect for her extended family, which I whole heartedly relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She isn’t “standoffish”: she doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. Leave her alone.

I was your niece. The entire family refused to acknowledge that my creepy uncle said wildly inappropriate (sexual jokes, comments about my body, speculation about my relationship status, etc) things, often after he’d had a few beers at family dinners/events. He did this to one other niece, but she lived across the country. The creepy uncle’s wife, my aunt, is a determinedly optimistic, blinkered woman who refused to see or acknowledge and my parents were the same.

So my aunt would probably have described me as “standoffish.”

Are you sure there is nothing about your family dynamic or an individual family member that is triggering her? She isn’t reacting in such an emphatic way for no reason, you know.

Yeah, I'm the 50 year old standoffish niece. Once uncle bobby started talking to me about my "p*ssy", that part of the family was pretty much dead to me. I know his behavior would always be explained away. So, these are people I would never let my child be with unattended and my aunt is angry that I, the only girl in my generation, won't take over arranging family reunions and secret santa (clearly that could not be the job of a man in the family). I wish things could have been different but I just have to let them go.

If this isn't about family dysfunction, the niece does sound like she could have something else going on that makes typical socializing hard for her.

Yeah me and my sisters rapist was the preacher at my brothers funeral. My family was dead to me, after they didn't stand by my side over the incident. Those that did but still invited him over for family functions, also fell on deaf ears as well. But hopefully that's not what OP/Niece is going through.

[Anonymous]

When did you notice she didn’t like you? If it’s always been the case to some degree, I’d assume some diagnosis like HFA. If you noticed it later on like 12, there might be something more to it (your husband made her uncomfortable or crossed a line, some other abuse happening not related to you, behavioral issues, etc). It’s definitely rude and most teens/young adults who are annoyed with family would never behave that way. I have an uncle that has said inappropriate things to me once I hit puberty and I’ve mentioned it to my mom but nobody else but I’m still cordial with my aunt. I also had a cousin that was a similar age and I thought he was being inappropriate but in hindsight, he was just being nice and I was really immature and not very social so didn’t pickup on the social cues - but I treated him poorly for a year so he wouldn’t think I liked him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM, please help me out here. One of my sisters had her one and only child pretty late in life, at 47, thanks to IVF. This girl is an apple in her parents' eyes. She is beautiful, a gifted student, skipped 2 grades. She was already in college when she was 15. At the same time, she is very divisive. When she was 12, she loudly proclaimed at a family function she wants nothing to do with US, doesn't want our visits, because "you are boring, unstimulating and we have nothing in common". We brushed it off to a "moody teenager". But it's gotten worse. She is now 18 and ignores us. She does not acknowledge us when we visit, she has no relationships with any of our kids and grandkids. She disinvites us from events. My sister tried to prod her, even used threats, but it only makes her withdraw even more. My sister is sad but says she cannot force her to be more friendly. Whenever she is around us, she just sits there with a book and headphones on. She did not even want to be in the group picture with our elderly parents! I know she is not my kid but I am getting fed up. Should I attempt a conversation? We have done nothing wrong to her. There was never any abuse, since DCUM commentators will ask about that. We were all so happy when she was born, we wanted to be part of her life and she brushes us off.

OP You sound pushy and entitled. You are holding an outburst that she made six years ago at age 12 against her? She is under no obligation to have a relationship with you or your kids. She disinvites you to events …I take it this means she doesn’t want you at her parties which is fine. It’s also fine for her to protest within her own family not to make it an extended family event. When you are visiting her mother, she keeps to herself. She grey rocks yu.

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and there is nothing wrong with ths. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

OP: I don't think I should bother my sister with this as her daughter is now legally an adult. I want to have a conversation with HER. If there's something we did or said, let us fix this. FWIW, we are all on the same side politically, no Fox News fans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

Maybe OP isn’t likeable? It’s a good lesson to learn in life that not every one is going to like you.

I freaking hate my aunt.

OP: well, I seem to have a good relationship with my other nieces and nephews. We call each other, a few of them even lived with me for a while. This one is an anomaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM, please help me out here. One of my sisters had her one and only child pretty late in life, at 47, thanks to IVF. This girl is an apple in her parents' eyes. She is beautiful, a gifted student, skipped 2 grades. She was already in college when she was 15. At the same time, she is very divisive. When she was 12, she loudly proclaimed at a family function she wants nothing to do with US, doesn't want our visits, because "you are boring, unstimulating and we have nothing in common". We brushed it off to a "moody teenager". But it's gotten worse. She is now 18 and ignores us. She does not acknowledge us when we visit, she has no relationships with any of our kids and grandkids. She disinvites us from events. My sister tried to prod her, even used threats, but it only makes her withdraw even more. My sister is sad but says she cannot force her to be more friendly. Whenever she is around us, she just sits there with a book and headphones on. She did not even want to be in the group picture with our elderly parents! I know she is not my kid but I am getting fed up. Should I attempt a conversation? We have done nothing wrong to her. There was never any abuse, since DCUM commentators will ask about that. We were all so happy when she was born, we wanted to be part of her life and she brushes us off.

OP You sound pushy and entitled. You are holding an outburst that she made six years ago at age 12 against her? She is under no obligation to have a relationship with you or your kids. She disinvites you to events …I take it this means she doesn’t want you at her parties which is fine. It’s also fine for her to protest within her own family not to make it an extended family event. When you are visiting her mother, she keeps to herself. She grey rocks yu.

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and there is nothing wrong with ths. Leave her alone.

No, you don't understand. She doesn't want a relationship with ANY of her mother's family. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, no cousins. We cannot ALL be horrible, pushy and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM, please help me out here. One of my sisters had her one and only child pretty late in life, at 47, thanks to IVF. This girl is an apple in her parents' eyes. She is beautiful, a gifted student, skipped 2 grades. She was already in college when she was 15. At the same time, she is very divisive. When she was 12, she loudly proclaimed at a family function she wants nothing to do with US, doesn't want our visits, because "you are boring, unstimulating and we have nothing in common". We brushed it off to a "moody teenager". But it's gotten worse. She is now 18 and ignores us. She does not acknowledge us when we visit, she has no relationships with any of our kids and grandkids. She disinvites us from events. My sister tried to prod her, even used threats, but it only makes her withdraw even more. My sister is sad but says she cannot force her to be more friendly. Whenever she is around us, she just sits there with a book and headphones on. She did not even want to be in the group picture with our elderly parents! I know she is not my kid but I am getting fed up. Should I attempt a conversation? We have done nothing wrong to her. There was never any abuse, since DCUM commentators will ask about that. We were all so happy when she was born, we wanted to be part of her life and she brushes us off.

OP You sound pushy and entitled. You are holding an outburst that she made six years ago at age 12 against her? She is under no obligation to have a relationship with you or your kids. She disinvites you to events …I take it this means she doesn’t want you at her parties which is fine. It’s also fine for her to protest within her own family not to make it an extended family event. When you are visiting her mother, she keeps to herself. She grey rocks yu.

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and there is nothing wrong with ths. Leave her alone.

No, you don't understand. She doesn't want a relationship with ANY of her mother's family. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, no cousins. We cannot ALL be horrible, pushy and entitled.

It's her choice and none of your business. If one person isn't interested, there isn't a relationship. All you can do is respect her boundaries, be open if she changes, or choose to be a bitter overbearing person who either wants to punish her for her choices or just gossip about her.

[Anonymous]

OP just stop! You are not listening when multiple posters have told you that she is an adult who simply doesn’t want a relationship with you! There is no fixing this. I get that you feel rejected but get over it! Leave the poor woman alone!

[Anonymous]

By visit do you mean that you stay with your sisters family? Hosting extended family really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this, as I have a cousin who definitely has lots of similarities to OP's standoffish niece. My parents have said that my cousin (who is now a grown adult in her 30's) was always like this, even as a young child. My Aunt and Uncle (cousins parents) would always brush it off as "oh, she's just being a kid."

I guess my question is, how would you broach this subject with the parents of the child? Do you straight up say "hey, your kid is a a-hole?"

OP: I don't think I should bother my sister with this as her daughter is now legally an adult. I want to have a conversation with HER. If there's something we did or said, let us fix this. FWIW, we are all on the same side politically, no Fox News fans

But she doesn’t want a conversation with YOU, so that’s a nonstarter. Be polite and move on.