Standoffish niece

[Anonymous]

DCUM, please help me out here. One of my sisters had her one and only child pretty late in life, at 47, thanks to IVF. This girl is an apple in her parents' eyes. She is beautiful, a gifted student, skipped 2 grades. She was already in college when she was 15. At the same time, she is very divisive. When she was 12, she loudly proclaimed at a family function she wants nothing to do with US, doesn't want our visits, because "you are boring, unstimulating and we have nothing in common". We brushed it off to a "moody teenager". But it's gotten worse. She is now 18 and ignores us. She does not acknowledge us when we visit, she has no relationships with any of our kids and grandkids. She disinvites us from events. My sister tried to prod her, even used threats, but it only makes her withdraw even more. My sister is sad but says she cannot force her to be more friendly. Whenever she is around us, she just sits there with a book and headphones on. She did not even want to be in the group picture with our elderly parents! I know she is not my kid but I am getting fed up. Should I attempt a conversation? We have done nothing wrong to her. There was never any abuse, since DCUM commentators will ask about that. We were all so happy when she was born, we wanted to be part of her life and she brushes us off.

[Anonymous]

She's been raised to think she is better than everyone and nothing you say or do will change it. Just move on and let her be her gull of poop self.

[Anonymous]

Well, her parents should have dealt with it when she was small, but since she is now an adult and her parents are now mid/late 60s, they aren't going to do it now. Just stop making any effort with her at all, you don't have any obligation. Honestly, you should've stopped when she was 12.

[Anonymous]

OP, she is an adult. How would you act if this were a neighbor? You'd be polite if spoken to, otherwise you wouldn't be going out of your way to make conversation.

She is no more -to you- than any other random adult. That's it. No drama. No speculating. Just live your life. She's not in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, her parents should have dealt with it when she was small, but since she is now an adult and her parents are now mid/late 60s, they aren't going to do it now. Just stop making any effort with her at all, you don't have any obligation. Honestly, you should've stopped when she was 12.

This. SAy hello, but do not engage or try to engage. She sounds very rude. Is she on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

She isn’t “standoffish”: she doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. Leave her alone.

I was your niece. The entire family refused to acknowledge that my creepy uncle said wildly inappropriate (sexual jokes, comments about my body, speculation about my relationship status, etc) things, often after he’d had a few beers at family dinners/events. He did this to one other niece, but she lived across the country. The creepy uncle’s wife, my aunt, is a determinedly optimistic, blinkered woman who refused to see or acknowledge and my parents were the same.

So my aunt would probably have described me as “standoffish.”

Are you sure there is nothing about your family dynamic or an individual family member that is triggering her? She isn’t reacting in such an emphatic way for no reason, you know.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope. Be pleasant but not intrusive and definitely don’t confront. And fyi surly teenage behavior can certainly extend past 18th birthday. Leave a door open to friendlier relations when she’s 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, her parents should have dealt with it when she was small, but since she is now an adult and her parents are now mid/late 60s, they aren't going to do it now. Just stop making any effort with her at all, you don't have any obligation. Honestly, you should've stopped when she was 12.

This. SAy hello, but do not engage or try to engage. She sounds very rude. Is she on the spectrum?

This sounds like my DS, who has autism. Extremely bright, but poor social skills and not close to extended family. Behavior often seems standoffish or rude to people who don’t understand him and expect “typical” behavior.

[Anonymous]

Given that she skipped two grades/went to college super young, I wouldn't be surprised her social development isn't great. It sounds to me like a mix of arrogance (I don't want to spend time with people who are less intelligent than me) and new adult off-balanceness (over-assertive because she's trying to prove to herself she's an adult now). I would just take a step back and let her figure herself out -- send cards if you want but don't force any invites on her or expect her to engage at family gatherings. She may grow into a decent person and you can reconnect then, or she may because even ruder and more arrogant. Hope for your sake it's the former.

[Anonymous]

Your talking to her is not going to change anything.

Plus, she's not your problem to solve.

Live and let live. She has issues, but they're for her parents to deal with. You have no role in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that she skipped two grades/went to college super young, I wouldn't be surprised her social development isn't great. It sounds to me like a mix of arrogance (I don't want to spend time with people who are less intelligent than me) and new adult off-balanceness (over-assertive because she's trying to prove to herself she's an adult now). I would just take a step back and let her figure herself out -- send cards if you want but don't force any invites on her or expect her to engage at family gatherings. She may grow into a decent person and you can reconnect then, or she may because even ruder and more arrogant. Hope for your sake it's the former.

This. I doubt she feels better than everyone - quite the opposite. I bet she's insecure about her social skills and uses arroagance to mask it.

[Anonymous]

Respect her wishes and leave her alone.
Your sister should have nipped this in the bud but that’s water under the bridge. It is also possible that your niece might not have good social skills and she is masking her insecurity by being aloof.

[Anonymous]

I have an aunt who I absolutely can’t stand. I have felt that way since early childhood. She is so damn annoying in every way. During college I stopped going home much during breaks because she was always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that she skipped two grades/went to college super young, I wouldn't be surprised her social development isn't great. It sounds to me like a mix of arrogance (I don't want to spend time with people who are less intelligent than me) and new adult off-balanceness (over-assertive because she's trying to prove to herself she's an adult now). I would just take a step back and let her figure herself out -- send cards if you want but don't force any invites on her or expect her to engage at family gatherings. She may grow into a decent person and you can reconnect then, or she may because even ruder and more arrogant. Hope for your sake it's the former.

This. I doubt she feels better than everyone - quite the opposite. I bet she's insecure about her social skills and uses arroagance to mask it.

OP: well, she does have friends and she seems to be on good terms with her father's family but whenever we are around we can't even get a hello. It's very sad.

[Anonymous]

She isn’t interested in a relationship with you. Stop being obsessive to the point of gossiping about her on the Internet, respect her decision, and get a life.