Standoffish niece

[Anonymous]

My aunt watches Fox News.

[Anonymous]

She sounds rude. There’s a difference between not engaged and rude. Her parents need to help her find that.
In your shoes I’d just write her off and ignore her. If she reaches out later in life, great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn’t “standoffish”: she doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. Leave her alone.

I was your niece. The entire family refused to acknowledge that my creepy uncle said wildly inappropriate (sexual jokes, comments about my body, speculation about my relationship status, etc) things, often after he’d had a few beers at family dinners/events. He did this to one other niece, but she lived across the country. The creepy uncle’s wife, my aunt, is a determinedly optimistic, blinkered woman who refused to see or acknowledge and my parents were the same.

So my aunt would probably have described me as “standoffish.”

Are you sure there is nothing about your family dynamic or an individual family member that is triggering her? She isn’t reacting in such an emphatic way for no reason, you know.

Yeah, I'm the 50 year old standoffish niece. Once uncle bobby started talking to me about my "p*ssy", that part of the family was pretty much dead to me. I know his behavior would always be explained away. So, these are people I would never let my child be with unattended and my aunt is angry that I, the only girl in my generation, won't take over arranging family reunions and secret santa (clearly that could not be the job of a man in the family). I wish things could have been different but I just have to let them go.

If this isn't about family dysfunction, the niece does sound like she could have something else going on that makes typical socializing hard for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds rude. There’s a difference between not engaged and rude. Her parents need to help her find that.
In your shoes I’d just write her off and ignore her. If she reaches out later in life, great.

Maybe OP’s niece doesn’t like her aunt? Wild guess.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't be upset about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't be upset about this.

We only know OP’s side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't be upset about this.

We only know OP’s side.

Well its what OP thinks. Even if not true, why would she want to be around this person? I find people's expectations of relationships with other because of "family" so strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't be upset about this.

We only know OP’s side.

Well its what OP thinks. Even if not true, why would she want to be around this person? I find people's expectations of relationships with other because of "family" so strange.

Okay well OP may be the “nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I'm standoffish with my aunt. She corners me at functions, tells the longest stories about herself and spoils the plots to books/movies in the conversations where I'm cornered. "Have you watched Outlander- then tells me about the entire plot for 20 mins". Awful.

[Anonymous]

Leave her be for now. Polite hello, then ignore her with her headphones on. No big deal right now. At this age she's unlikely to say anything outright rude unless provoked. I would keep her in your heart as your sister's child and ignore for now. See where she is in a year or so.

Moody self centered teen relatives usually evolve into decent adults. Her brain isn't fully developed, and she has a lot of learning to do still.

[Anonymous]

Give it up OP. Ignore her and everyone else go about their business like she isn't there, if she doesn't want to participate. She'll be in college and in a job soon enough, so won't be around as much. We don't get along with all our relatives, it is what it is. My niece is similar except more polite than yours..

[Anonymous]

It's awkward to be thie only kid your age in the family. My cousins were all over way older. I had no one to hang out with at family functions. The adults were boring and obnoxious, and the older cousins ignored me.

Unlike your niece I was too shy to tell them all to their faces how boring they all were. I sat quietly on the couch for hours. Sometimes I remembered to bring a book. No devices back then.

Maybe she just doesn't fit in. If she hasn't said anything outright rude since age 12, give her some slack.

[Anonymous]

Skipped two grades, college at 15, poor social skills.

It sounds like giftedness with High-Functioning Autism, or HFA... plus something else going on.

Most kids and young people with HFA that I know have the best intentions, even though they can be brusque or inattentive, or seem to lack empathy.

Your niece is aggressively dismissive. There must be something going on in addition to the HFA, but it appears as if socio-communication issues are a baseline.

What does your sister say? I would have told my niece she was acting rudely many years ago, but I assume you've done that. You could try and engage now too, and say that she's been hurtful and rude for no reason, while you've tried your best to have a relationship, and can she tell you a tangible reason for her actions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Skipped two grades, college at 15, poor social skills.

It sounds like giftedness with High-Functioning Autism, or HFA... plus something else going on.

Most kids and young people with HFA that I know have the best intentions, even though they can be brusque or inattentive, or seem to lack empathy.

Your niece is aggressively dismissive. There must be something going on in addition to the HFA, but it appears as if socio-communication issues are a baseline.

What does your sister say? I would have told my niece she was acting rudely many years ago, but I assume you've done that. You could try and engage now too, and say that she's been hurtful and rude for no reason, while you've tried your best to have a relationship, and can she tell you a tangible reason for her actions?

You think op should ask the niece these things? For what purpose? Niece gives a big eye roll and holds it against you forever. I guess if your goal is to further alienate her, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn’t “standoffish”: she doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. Leave her alone.

I was your niece. The entire family refused to acknowledge that my creepy uncle said wildly inappropriate (sexual jokes, comments about my body, speculation about my relationship status, etc) things, often after he’d had a few beers at family dinners/events. He did this to one other niece, but she lived across the country. The creepy uncle’s wife, my aunt, is a determinedly optimistic, blinkered woman who refused to see or acknowledge and my parents were the same.

So my aunt would probably have described me as “standoffish.”

Are you sure there is nothing about your family dynamic or an individual family member that is triggering her? She isn’t reacting in such an emphatic way for no reason, you know.

Sorry for your troubles but I think you’re projecting a bit here.