Standoffish niece

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be polite and stop trying to engage. She doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to have a relationship with anyway, and that’s okay. No need to force it.

+1. Why do so many people jump to HFA or the spectrum whenever someone is rude and lacks social graces or social skills in general? Some people are just rude-they don't care and/or weren't taught and lack conscientiousness and/or empathy in general.

Some things really are character/personality and not a dx.

[Anonymous]

Is she autistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be polite and stop trying to engage. She doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to have a relationship with anyway, and that’s okay. No need to force it.

+1. Why do so many people jump to HFA or the spectrum whenever someone is rude and lacks social graces or social skills in general? Some people are just rude-they don't care and/or weren't taught and lack conscientiousness and/or empathy in general.

Some things really are character/personality and not a dx.

In this case because she was 15 and already in college - that’s highly unusual and can be associated with other issues both in terms of neurodiversity and also social development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM, please help me out here. One of my sisters had her one and only child pretty late in life, at 47, thanks to IVF. This girl is an apple in her parents' eyes. She is beautiful, a gifted student, skipped 2 grades. She was already in college when she was 15. At the same time, she is very divisive. When she was 12, she loudly proclaimed at a family function she wants nothing to do with US, doesn't want our visits, because "you are boring, unstimulating and we have nothing in common". We brushed it off to a "moody teenager". But it's gotten worse. She is now 18 and ignores us. She does not acknowledge us when we visit, she has no relationships with any of our kids and grandkids. She disinvites us from events. My sister tried to prod her, even used threats, but it only makes her withdraw even more. My sister is sad but says she cannot force her to be more friendly. Whenever she is around us, she just sits there with a book and headphones on. She did not even want to be in the group picture with our elderly parents! I know she is not my kid but I am getting fed up. Should I attempt a conversation? We have done nothing wrong to her. There was never any abuse, since DCUM commentators will ask about that. We were all so happy when she was born, we wanted to be part of her life and she brushes us off.

Interesting way of putting it.

There’s nothing for you to “get fed up” about - it has to be a mutual choice whether to have a relationship. For whatever reason, she doesn’t. Getting mad about it, or trying to force the issue, is futile.

[Anonymous]

She announced how she felt at 12 and that has not changed. She is not one to conform and do as told. I would not attempt discussing this with her for a few years yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's rude. Don't expect good advice from the majority of posters because they also are rude
What you do is be polite say hello and do not engage further

This extends to not giving her cards, gifts, phone calls money, going to her events etc. She wants to be left alone. Do exactly that. Completely.

+1 Best advice on the thread.

+2 I find it interesting that the niece acts this way towards the entire maternal line of the family not just OP. She told them all they were boring and beneath her at a young age and is continuing that attitude.

She has a problem with many people - not just one person. To refuse to be in a group family photo with grandparents was undoubtedly hurtful.

OP, I also say give her exactly what she wants which is to disengage. If you MUST see her, acknowledge her with a brief but civil greeting, "Hello Larla. Nice to see you." and immediately move on. Don't try and have a conversation. Do not acknowledge her birthdays, special events, graduations, etc. or other activities as she is not interested in your well wishes. She has made it crystal clear she doesn't like ANY of you.

I don't think it would be of any benefit to talk to your sister about this either. Any kind of criticism of her precious child will not bode well.

FWIW, we have one of these in our family too. Life is a lot more pleasant since we all disengaged and our "Larla" could care less that she has zero contact with this whole side of her family. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP - no need to engage with sister on this and doubt it would go over well anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She announced how she felt at 12 and that has not changed. She is not one to conform and do as told. I would not attempt discussing this with her for a few years yet.

Why the need for two threads?

[Anonymous]

She's 18. Sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder. Give up. Cut the cord and pray she doesn't try to sneak back into your kids lives. Prepare them as they get older to know to continue to stay away.

[Anonymous]

The OP referred to her kids and grandkids meaning either OP has adult children and grandkids or OP is a childless aunt who refers to other peoples kids as her own. The is little chance the niece is going to all of sudden decide to engage with adult cousins that she has never liked.

It doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with the niece. She just doesn’t like the OP. OP is clearly a busybody as she gets fed up with niece not playing into her extended family hallmark idea. OP getting offended that she isn’t invited to nieces events is pretty entitled.

It’s pretty common not to like one side of the family or not enjoy being around extended relatives. These aren’t people that you necessarily have anything in common with and you didn’t choose them. It’s a forced relationship which many people don’t enjoy. For most, it’s about tolerating it but if you are really smart you have to ask yourself why? Why spend time being fake and pretending to like people you don’t want to be around. Why give up your holidays and vacations to spend it with a bunch of bozos?

Plus if one of the extended relatives is the in your face type like OP it’s also not uncommon to just avoid the pack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 18. Sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder. Give up. Cut the cord and pray she doesn't try to sneak back into your kids lives. Prepare them as they get older to know to continue to stay away.

You make it sound like she’s a drug addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP referred to her kids and grandkids meaning either OP has adult children and grandkids or OP is a childless aunt who refers to other peoples kids as her own. The is little chance the niece is going to all of sudden decide to engage with adult cousins that she has never liked.

It doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with the niece. She just doesn’t like the OP. OP is clearly a busybody as she gets fed up with niece not playing into her extended family hallmark idea. OP getting offended that she isn’t invited to nieces events is pretty entitled.

It’s pretty common not to like one side of the family or not enjoy being around extended relatives. These aren’t people that you necessarily have anything in common with and you didn’t choose them. It’s a forced relationship which many people don’t enjoy. For most, it’s about tolerating it but if you are really smart you have to ask yourself why? Why spend time being fake and pretending to like people you don’t want to be around. Why give up your holidays and vacations to spend it with a bunch of bozos?

Plus if one of the extended relatives is the in your face type like OP it’s also not uncommon to just avoid the pack.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She announced how she felt at 12 and that has not changed. She is not one to conform and do as told. I would not attempt discussing this with her for a few years yet.

This. That is a pretty strong dislike, for whatever reason OP. It may be minor or may be the emotional functioning of a 12 year old and the intellect of an 18 year old. Jsut give her some space, send her gifts for birthday and christmas (or whatever major gift holiday you celebrate) and don't try to force anything else. Teenagers need space to do their thing.

I have a niece who doesn't seem to like me, partially I think it is a personality clash and the fact that SIL doesn't like me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. Lots of venting to each other in my extended family, so I just roll with it now and don't try to force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 18. Sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder. Give up. Cut the cord and pray she doesn't try to sneak back into your kids lives. Prepare them as they get older to know to continue to stay away.

You make it sound like she’s a drug addict.

I was't accusing her of doing drugs- just of being a potential manipulator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She announced how she felt at 12 and that has not changed. She is not one to conform and do as told. I would not attempt discussing this with her for a few years yet.

This. That is a pretty strong dislike, for whatever reason OP. It may be minor or may be the emotional functioning of a 12 year old and the intellect of an 18 year old. Jsut give her some space, send her gifts for birthday and christmas (or whatever major gift holiday you celebrate) and don't try to force anything else. Teenagers need space to do their thing.

I have a niece who doesn't seem to like me, partially I think it is a personality clash and the fact that SIL doesn't like me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. Lots of venting to each other in my extended family, so I just roll with it now and don't try to force it.

No gifts necessary.