Reply to Icing on the Cake

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Icing on the Cake"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like you are asexual. There are communities for that. Do you think you are asexual? If so, you may want to talk with others like you to find out how they thought about and resolved issues of partnership/marriage.

Also, you sound awesome and I think you should go ahead with your plans for parenting. [/quote]

NP. Not every person for whom sex is not priority No. 1 is asexual. OP said she has low drive. That does not mean that, if she met the right person, her drive wouldn't increase. Some people need to find the [i]whole[/i] person who is right for them (not just the sexual side) and engage emotionally in order for their drive to click into gear, and there is nothing wrong, or diagnosable, about that.

(And please don't come back to label the sex and love connection as "demisexual," the currently trendy term for people who actually need an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction. Just stop turning everything on the vast spectrum of attraction into a convenient term that then requires support groups.)

OP, let's get down to basics. You're happy as you are. Icing on the cake is fine, but no one really wants to be someone else's icing; anyone [i]worth being with for the long haul[/i] should be someone who wants to be an integral, needed part of your whole life, not merely a nice addition. Can you see the difference, OP? The people you'd attract possibly will be seeing [i]you[/i] as their icing, too, and while that could work -- is that also someone who will want to go in, 100 percent, with you on your plans for kids, whether bio or foster? I kind of doubt that.

Your long post indicates, to me, a need to hash things out in your own head before you do the thing that you REALLY are thinking about most--and that is not partnering up. It's kids.

Take the effort and time you would put into dating apps (where people will want and expect sex, to be blunt) and put that energy instead into finding a good therapist -- don't tune me out yet, keep reading -- who specializes in working with single-by-choice parents, if you can find one. Before you take the big step of having or fostering kids, you should do your due diligence and tell an experienced therapist everything you wrote here. I think the partner thing, dating apps, one last stab at finding a partner, etc. is all muddying the water, frankly. You sound like you want to go the single parent route more than you really crave a deeply connected partner. Get it all out with a professional AND work through whether you are realistic in your expectations of single parenthood/fostering. You really must get an objective third party to discuss this with as it will affect kids' lives eventually. Examine your motivations and your own expectations so you are going into any parenthood with open eyes.

I really wonder if on some level you are thinking about finding a partner because it's expected of women your age and stage in life. I think your initial response there is going to be, "Oh, no, I don't care what society thinks of me, I'm the cake," but even the most self-sufficient of us still is aware, on some unspoken level, that partnering up eventually is...what people "do." You seem self-aware about what you do and don't want, which is good, but you also are asking for advice about dating apps. If you're as happy as you say with your life, then drop the pretense of finding icing on the cake (see above: Will an "icing" partner really be up for the commitment to kids the way you're discussing? Will that partner be willing to work with you on a level of sex that's acceptable to you both? Kind of doubt it.)

Proceed with the rest of your life. It is much likelier that you will find a real partner, not a nice-to-have icing on the cake partner, naturally, via your volunteering, shared interests, even through your kids. And if you don't, you sound like you'll be fine. I'd move ahead with what you seem really to want, rather than doing a hail-Mary attempt at dating apps. 
[/quote]

This is all really wonderful advice, and I thank you for taking the time to write all of this! It’s as you say. I do think I’m already close to the other side of the fence where I’m completely fine with becoming a single parent, and doing things “my way.” Also, you’re spot on regarding how I actually feel about the societal conventions regarding marriage and what’s expected of women. What’s helped me in some respects is having several (yes, surprisingly several 😂) really close friends, one even my best friend, who are similar, and the broader internet community where this isn’t so uncommon - including the stories I’ve read on DCUM and in this thread about women who have done things their own way.

I suppose I identify with the idea that one’s happiness is their own to achieve, and that nobody is responsible for making another happy. I think people should amplify one’s happiness, and vice versa, but never be the sole source of it - once you’re a mature adult at least.

Indeed I am grappling with what I really, truly, and honestly want, and the best way to achieve that. So yes, as you and another PP suggested, it would be best to find an experienced therapist of this nature to sort things out with. I’m not opposed to therapy at all. I know it can be helpful towards a healthy life and relationships, and there are so many resources these days.

Your advice is really great, and I’m appreciative of you and other PPs who have commented with helpful advice and encouragement. Perhaps years down the line I’ll make another post to update everyone as to what’s become of me 🤣.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics